


Pain

by BambooBat



Series: 100 Theme One-shot Challenge [4]
Category: Real Person Fiction, 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Acceptance, Affection, Angst, Anxiety, Bad Poetry, Band Fic, Blizzards & Snowstorms, Crying, Cuddling & Snuggling, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff, Heartache, Heartbreak, Hot Springs & Onsen, Humor, Loneliness, Luxury, Mental Health Issues, Oblivious, Other, POV Second Person, Poetry, Reader-Insert, References to Depression, Rejection, Requited Unrequited Love, Sleepy Cuddles, Song Lyrics, Tears, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-27
Updated: 2020-04-27
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:16:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 50,316
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23876047
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BambooBat/pseuds/BambooBat
Summary: Being rejected sucks. Getting snowed in with the person who rejected you is torture.
Relationships: Bangtan Boys Ensemble/Reader, Kim Taehyung | V/Reader, Min Yoongi | Suga/Reader
Series: 100 Theme One-shot Challenge [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1565344
Comments: 15
Kudos: 97





	Pain

**Author's Note:**

> Surprise! This is by far the longest story I've written. I had a hard time ending it. 
> 
> I bet you all weren't expecting me to switch music genres, but I did! The best part is Yoongi wasn't even my bias, it's Taehyung. I stopped writing the story for Tae to finish this and it's been hard to get writing again. Sorry about that!
> 
> I don't know if anyone will enjoy this, but I had fun writing it. So... I hope someone does.
> 
> This is #88 of 100
> 
> Disclaimer: I don't own anything except the plot and any relevant details therein. I don't own Reader (you) or BTS. The onsen is loosely based on a few real ones in northern Japan. Anything unfamiliar is mine, though, including the poorly written song lyrics (I don't know why I'm taking credit for those, actually). I own Wanderlost and anything related to that.

The snow is ruining everything.

The weather forecast predicted the blizzard would land _after_ you all flew out, after Christmas. Instead it hit a week early. Now, a couple days before the holiday, everyone north of Akita is snowed in. With the roads all closed, there is no going anywhere.

Normally, this is not a problem. At an _onsen_ – because there is time, and your band begged for the experience – is by far the best place to get stuck. The average snowfall is such that the residents are prepared to be snowed in. Everything is well-stocked for such an occurrence.

You should be ecstatic to be trapped with your friends _and_ the guy you have feelings for. His presence alone should make this involuntarily extended break perfect.

Instead, all you feel is pain. A dull ache in your chest that extends into your lungs so it feels like you are being squeezed to make breathing harder. Like the rejection is a python trying to kill you. At this point you almost prefer the idea of being crushed by a gigantic serpent. When the snake inside you leaves – because it does eventually, for a while – it is replaced by the crushing weight that will shatter your heart long enough for it to reassemble so it can repeat in an endless loop of heartbroken humiliation.

 **“** Standing there won’t fix anything, [Name]. **”** Emily is sitting on the futon she claimed, watching you as she messages her fiancé.

You scowl, switching your gaze from glaring at the blinding white wall outside to the empty suitcase on the floor. Since willing the snow to melt from your gaze did not work, maybe your suitcase will pack itself if you stare at it hard enough.

 **“** Nothing will fix this, **”** you mutter darkly. **“** I just have to fucking get over it. **”** _Over him._

If you could, you would ditch the tour entirely to run home far, far away from any of them. Maybe you still will once the snow melts. A sigh escapes you, robbing you of the anger you have been clinging to desperately.

 **“** Yeah… **”** Emily looks uncomfortable. **“** At least you have time to box it up before the next show. **”**

You wince a little. The last concert, which happened to be the day after your confession, is probably the worst performance you have ever had. Too upset to fake it, your usual energy and passion were gone. Except for the emotional songs, you were almost wooden. When the guys joined you, you made sure not to go anywhere near the one who rejected you. He had not seemed to notice, or perhaps he just does not care.

 _Why would he care?_ You sneer a little at your reflection in the window.

It would be easier to move on if he had just been mean. But no, he looked sad with something you could not recognize in his eyes when he shot you down. To avoid the further humiliation of crying in front of him, you silently turned and walked away. You kept hoping he would call out after you, or something; maybe chase you down and—

Life is not a K-drama, so that is not what happened. You made it all the way to your room before the tears slid free. To hide the evidence, you had hidden in the shower until you cried yourself out.

When your phone chimes, you flinch. At no indication of your planning to move, Emily grabs it to check.

 **“** It’s just Tae, **”** is her doing the duty of keeping you from seeing any messages from _him_.

You do not really want to speak to anyone from the K-pop band, but Taehyung is a safe bet. He is always making you feel better without even trying. His happiness is infectious. It is no wonder he is one of the group’s mood-makers.

> Do you ladies want to eat with us?

Reading _hangul_ is much easier than _kanji_ , but it still takes you a moment to translate it. It is tempting, but…

You look at Emily. **“** They are going to eat soon and want to know if we are interested in joining. **”**

 **“** Sure. **”** Emily stands with a stretch.

Well, fuck. You were hoping she would not be interested so you have an excuse not to show up. Now you do not have a reason to avoid everyone without it being pretty obvious that is exactly what you are doing. Asking if he will be there is a stupid idea. You are still fairly sure he has not told anyone.

< Ne. What time?

While you wait, you finally step away from the window to wander over to your luggage. There is no reason to dress to impress anymore, but you know better than to not bother at all. Not only would Bonwha have a conniption, but you do not want to look frumpy compared to the guys. K-pop bands are notorious for being on the leading edge of fashion, after all. Maybe you are not built like the S-line girls that are the ideal in Korea, but you are decent. You are toned, yet still have enough soft curves to fill out your clothes in an appealing way. There have not been any major complaints about your appearance.

But it must not be attractive enough for him.

You end up putting on a pair of navy leggings with snowflakes in white, electric blue, and mint. Over that goes a large, comfy pullover sweater also in navy. You want to be comfortable as well as comforted. Emily looks you over and gives you a thumbs-up.

For a split second, you feel shy and flattered, before reality hits like a tsunami. Emily thinking you look good does not mean he ever will.

_Just stop it, [Name]._

> Meet downstairs in 15?

As a response, you send a selfie of yourself giving the OK sign. Although you are smiling, even you can see it does not reach your eyes. _Shit._

If he notices, apparently he is choosing not to comment on it. That is just fine with you.

Not for the first time, you have to wonder if he said anything. It will be obvious once you all get together. This meal is going to be awkward as hell now.

 **“** Maybe I shouldn’t go, **”** you blurt out.

Emily frowns, pausing as she is pulling her dreadlocks up off her neck. **“** Why? **”**

You shrug. **“** I don’t want to bring anyone else down. **”**

Maybe it is not quite the same as if one of the members – Taehyung – is upset, but you still would rather not be the storm cloud over their heads, ruining the day for everyone else.

The thought of faking happiness, on top of having to face him again, has your stomach in knots so big you almost want to throw up.

 **“** You won’t, [Nickname]. Just pretend he isn’t even there. **”**

Both of you know how stupid that advice is. You can pretend all you want, but you are always almost hyperaware of where he is. Up until your confession, you would seek him out to enjoy the quiet calm he surrounds himself with.

He had seemed a little annoyed, but when you never bothered him, it was almost like he relaxed. Eventually, you started chatting, usually curious about whatever he is working on. He was reluctant to share, and when he finally did he looked almost shy. Of course it was amazing, so when you told him so he rewarded you with his big smile the fans love so much. It was so fucking cute.

Now that is gone, but you still sense him no matter how much you wish you could not.

 **“** C’mon, let’s go get the guys, **”** Emily says with an encouraging smile before taking your hand to pull you along after her.

You allow the taller girl to lead the way down the hall to where the rest of your bandmates are rooming. At least no one from the other band is on this floor, so you do not have to worry about running into him yet. You are fairly certain Bonwha set this up on purpose.

It seems someone also messaged the guys because they are stepping out of their room as you walk up.

Matt sees you first and offers a small smile before he looks at Emily. You miss the looks the bassist exchanges with the guitarist, distracted by Bonwha slipping into the hall with the door shutting behind him.

 **“** Lunch? **”** He raises a brow at you.

You nod, carefully avoiding his gaze. Although you know it does not fool him, he can always tell when you are hiding or lying, you still have to try. Bonwha knows what happened; he is the second person you told after Emily found you curled up under the blankets wondering if you could just wake up to find it was all a nightmare.

You are so fucking stupid.

Bonwha quietly watches the emotions cross your face before they disappear behind the affectless mask. A heavy sigh escapes him, but he decides not to push you too much right now.

 **“** Yeah, got a message from Tae. **”** You try to sound like yourself, but the slight tremble of your lips betrays you. Angrily, you clear your throat.

 _Stop being so fucking pathetic_ , you almost growl aloud.

When your friends turn to go to the elevator, you hang back to follow behind them. If they glance worriedly over their shoulders at you, you do not notice.

It is obvious to the three of them how badly the rejection is affecting you. Bonwha in particular can see that you are on the brink of some sort of breakdown. Maybe that seems excessive, but it is obvious to anyone how you feel considering you practically followed him around like a puppy – if not physically, then with your eyes.

He could have sworn that it was reciprocated, too.

Now he has to hope you manage to keep yourself from sinking into the depression coalescing around you like the clouds before a storm. Even without his asking, Emily and Matt agreed to help monitor you for signs of you losing the battle.

The seven members of BTS are waiting in the lobby. You have to force your eyes to find Taeyung first instead of zipping over to _him_.

Taehyung frowns slightly when you meet his eyes only briefly before lowering your gaze to the floor. In that brief glimpse, he sees misery in your eyes. He does not know what happened, but only because he has not gotten the chance to pester you about it. Maybe if you sit next to him, he can get you to talk to him at lunch. It is a good plan. Pleased with himself, Taehyung’s grin as he bounces up to you all is genuine.

 **“** Ready to go? **”** he asks in English, practicing.

It gets a tiny smile out of you, but it fades too quickly. **“** Yep. Kaja!”

He leads you all over to the rest of the guys. At questioning looks from Jimin, Jungkook, and Hobi, he can only shrug helplessly.

Unfortunately, you do not miss the compassionate look on Jin’s face and cringe a little. This is just great, he told his hyung. You are not mad, that is hypocritical considering your three friends know. Mostly, you just do not want your humiliation spread around. At least Jin is not likely to spill the beans, not like Namjoon.

With the concern and pity on the leader’s face, you have a sinking suspicion that he knows, too. _Shitfuck._

Yoongi ignores the pointed look from Jin when you appear. He pretends not to notice the way you avoid looking at him, or the confused looks on his friends’ faces at your complete personality change. He does his absolute best not to see the way sorrow clings to you like a cloud.

If he allows himself to be aware of these things, then he has to acknowledge just how badly he fucked up. Yet he does not really regret his response, just the delivery. The confession caught him so off-guard that he panicked. The rejection was out of him before he could try to soften it somehow.

The look that was on your face is still burned onto the back of his eyelids.

As if sensing his intention, Jin hooks an arm around his like they are an old married couple.

“No running away,” Jin says simply.

When his glare is ignored, Yoongi huffs a little. “I’m not even hungry.”

“Too bad.”

He knows he has to eat, so he gives in. He promises himself that once he has a chance, he will slip away.

Getting everyone seated takes a bit of time. There is some confusion when you immediately plop down next to Jungkook, because lately you have been sitting by Yoongi.

It takes him a moment to realize that you have seated yourself such that no matter where he sits, you will not have to look directly at him. It stings more than he thought it would, but he understands a little.

The menu becomes fascinating even though he does not really care what he eats. Still, he has an excuse not to look up at anyone. It makes ignoring the less than discrete looks his friends are giving him just that much easier.

“Noona?” Jungkook’s voice is quiet, but Yoongi still hears it.

“Ne?” There is no inflection in your tone, almost like you have removed all emotions from it.

The monotone makes something wrench inside him. Your voice is usually so warm and soothing that this emptiness is just _wrong_.

“Aren’t you hungry?”

Inconspicuously, Yoongi leans forward a little so he can get a glimpse of you from around Jin, who helpfully leans back a little to be out of the way.

The menu is unopened in front of you, and you are just staring blankly at the plate.

Dread starts to seep in like frost creeping through his bones.

At the question, you jolt a little and sit up straighter. “Oh, yeah. Sorry,” you mumble, before finally opening your menu. There is some fumbling, as if your fingers are reluctant to respond.

Jungkook looks at his hyungs in mild alarm. Bonwha only shakes his head when the youngest glances at him, too. If you want the others to know, then you will tell them; he is fairly certain Jin already does, maybe Namjoon, too. The leader keeps looking at you with a thoughtful frown. At least his choice of confidants is pretty logical. Jin, because he is the oldest and kind of acts like the group’s mother figure, and Namjoon because as the leader he needs to know if something happens that might throw one of his friends off.

“What’s wrong with [Name]-ah?” Jimin whispers, leaning over closer to him.

It is good that Taehyung and Jungkook are distracting you, because Jimin is not very discrete and is sitting right across from you.

He knows you do not want it spread around, and after Jin comes Jimin as the best to keep a secret. You have not even told Taehyung the truth and you are the closest to him.

“She’s upset, but working through it,” he says with a confidence he does not necessarily feel.

This is the hardest he has seen you take a rejection. Granted, he has not really seen you confess to anyone before. Surely you must have at some point since the two of you became friends. Right?

He is startled to realize that until Yoongi, you never acted on your feelings. In fact, aside from a couple of celebrity crushes, he is unaware of you seriously liking anyone.

This is something he will have to mull over later. If it is true, then your confessing to the rapper is a major step for you. _That_ certainly explains why you have basically turned into an emotional black hole, shutting down except for whatever you need to function without scaring anyone. Bonwha needs to talk to Emily, badly. Since the other girl is your roommate, she has the best opportunity to monitor you.

Hobi looks a little skeptical about you working through whatever this is, but he chooses not to comment on that. Instead, he glances at Bonwha. “How do we help?”

It amuses Bonwha that the guy even wants to spread the joy to you, though the last thing you will want is Hobi making an effort for you. You have said on multiple occasions that J-Hope needs to focus on his own happiness first, at least sometimes.

“Not sure _we_ can,” Bonwha admits.

The thoughtful look he receives makes him smile. If one of them _guesses_ what happened, then he is not actually _telling_ them your secret. Informing them of this stipulation is not something he is willing to do here, though. Maybe he will just let them figure it out on their own.

“It happened before the last concert.” Hobi does not ask a question, it is a statement.

Bonwha eye-smiles. “Yes.”

With a heavy sigh, you finally decide on what to eat. It is not very much, but you are too depressed to eat. Nothing sounds good anyway.

Yes, you are perfectly aware of how pathetic you are being. You hate yourself for it.

Alright, you hate yourself for a lot of reasons. This is just the newest one.

With effort, you force yourself to sit up straighter and put on an act. On the outside, you might be more subdued than before, but you still smile and laugh. It just never reaches your eyes.

At least, you do not have to see Yoongi with Jungkook and Jin between you.

Just thinking his name has something clenching painfully in your chest. It does not look like anyone notices the slightly pained grimace that was fleeting across your face. If they did, you would have lied to them about swallowing something wrong.

“What’s the plan for today?” Emily wonders in broken, halting Korean.

You just want to go back to your room and sleep until the pain goes away.

 **“** Well, there are the hot springs, **”** Namjoon suggests in English, grinning at the grateful smile from the other girl.

The absolute last thing you should do is see any of them naked.

You are also not keen on being one of the only white girls there. While the Japanese might not bat an eye at nudity in public baths, _you_ still do. Mostly, though, you are too self-conscious. That many eyes on you sounds awful. Especially now.

“Pass,” rumbles from the end of the table.

Hoseok figures it out by the tiny flinch you make when Yoongi speaks. The questioning look he sends to Bonwha gets a small nod. It makes him frown, because he cannot think of what Suga could have done to you. You two hardly ever speak.

With the ball rolling, everyone goes around listing what they want to do. When it gets to you, you focus on the little saucer meant for a coffee that will never come. Maybe you can just get yourself as far away from any of them and somehow work out the emotions.

“I’m going to check out the gym,” you mutter.

That definitely earns you a few looks. Taehyung is pretty sure he has never seen you step foot in any gym since the two of you met. In fact, he remembers inviting you a couple of times, and each time you made a face. Granted, it was distractingly cute the way your nose scrunched up – still is, if he is completely honest with himself – but you clearly would rather do anything than work out. This line of thought reminds him that it has been a while since you did any aegyo, intentional or not. He just files that away to think on later.

“Seriously?!” Matt cannot sound more shocked.

You glance at him to—

_Mistake._

Jin is still leaning back a little so Yoongi can look down the table. While a part of you tries to helpfully point out it looks like his eyes are on you, mostly you are shutting down to escape the pain. Not fast enough, because you recognize the moment the three at the end of the table see what you are struggling to contain.

Yoongi feels like he might throw up. Jin looks startled, but then gives you a gentle smile. Matt just winces a little, feeling like an idiot for asking.

Mask yanked back in place, you look away to fidget with your silverware. It is probably a bad sign that lying about your feelings is comfortingly familiar. A part of you is disgusted with yourself for slipping this far. By finally walling away all feelings, since clearly you cannot keep negative ones hidden while you are forcing positive ones, you can embrace apathy.

“Feeling stir-crazy already,” you half-joke.

Talk flows smoothly again after that, which is a relief. For the most part, you hyper-focus on all the conversations going on around you. By the time the food arrives, it feels easier to keep the mask in place. As long as you do not see him, you should be able to keep thinking about him to a minimum. Considering that end of the table is aware of why you will not look that way, none of them take it personally.

It is hard for Yoongi to concentrate on what others are saying. His thoughts are a jumbled mess that he has little hope of untangling in a way to coherently convey them to you. He hates how bad he is at expressing his feelings.

Too bad he is not like Taehyung. He wrinkles his nose at the thought. No, he is glad not to be like the younger guy. It seems like way too much work, and Yoongi enjoys peace and quiet. The only thing he envies about his dongsaeng is the ease with which he shares his feelings with everyone.

With you.

Disgusted with himself, Yoongi pushes his plate away. He is not sure he can eat now, anyway, because that flash of anguish on your face earlier pops back into focus.

“It’s too early for this shit,” he grumbles, mostly to himself, but he is aware that Jin will hear him. “I’m goin’ back to bed.”

Jin does not try to stop him this time. Even if he thinks your reaction is a little extreme for just a romantic rejection, it is obvious you are really hurting. This is not some act to get their attention. He can hear you dodging questions from the maknae and V. If your goal is attention-seeking, you should be acting coy. It is obvious even to him that you clearly want them to stop with the interrogation.

He sees the moment you realize Yoongi is leaving. Sorrow, resignation, and regret cross your face, as if your heart cannot decide which is stronger. All of them are trumped by the glare of self-loathing you give yourself in the reflection on the side of your cup.

Which is why Jin finds himself wandering into the resort’s gym a couple hours later. He is not just hoping to corner you, though, so if you are not there anymore that works out just fine.

Except you are still here.

You are on one of the treadmills, running at a pace Jin is certain should be kept for emergencies only. Your hair is pulled back from your face, although a few strands stick to your head. Sweat glistens all over you, and for a moment Jin can understand Yoongi’s reluctance based on insecurities.

And it only has a little to do with the fact you have shirked the top you must have started out with to running in just your athletic bra. Despite himself, the oldest of the group can feel his ears warming. That is, until he notices the way your eyes are shimmering with unshed tears that you keep rapidly blinking back.

It has been a long time since you went running. In fact, you loathe doing it so much you are fairly certain the last time you ran any sort of distances was in PE back in high school. Still, right now, running is the only thing you want to do. Run away from this resort, from Japan. Hell, even run away from the tour. Most of all, you want to run away from Yoongi and the fact this is your reality now.

The worst part is that at the same time you want to run _to_ Yoongi just as much, if not more.

So, instead, you are running in place in this empty gym. It is actually not too bad.

According to the app on your phone, you have been running from zombies for three miles. Daryl Dixon would be so proud. The thought makes you snort softly.

“[Name]-ah.”

Your name is barely audible over the music coming through your headphones. Still, it is enough to make you stumble a little. You have to catch yourself rather ungracefully to prevent from landing face-first on the treadmill. Straightening up, you carefully put your feet to the sides so the conveyor belt can whir away beneath you.

Your heart pounding away in your chest suddenly drops into your stomach. The abrupt changes makes you feel nauseous.

Jin watches the blood drain from your face, the way your eyes dart around as if you need to map out escape routes. It makes him feel bad about bothering you.

“Hey,” you rasp in a huff, grabbing for the bottle of water provided as a complimentary service.

“Hello.” How does he want to go about this? He probably should have thought it through. He sort of just expected you to try and run away.

You wait in uncomfortable silence, fidgeting with the wrapper on the bottle. He sought you out, and as much as you want to escape the situation, you are not going to make this easy on him. Maybe you should be more concerned about this passive-aggressive lashing out, but you cannot bring yourself to care right now.

Jin decides to go the long way, work up to what he really wants to know.

“Why are you so intent on running yourself to collapse?”

Whatever you expected him to say, it is not that. You end up blinking at him in surprise as you process it. How the hell are you supposed to respond to that? The truth is stupid and humiliating in its stupidity.

Remembering the looks he gave you at lunch, you give in. Your shoulders relax as you lift one in a lazy shrug.

“Because with my lungs screaming for air and my nerves on fire, then maybe, just maybe… it won’t hurt so much.” You brighten. “Or I’ll be too tired to feel anything.”

Now it is Jin’s turn to be surprised. For whatever reason, he had assumed you would beat around the bush, yet here you are candidly opening up to him. Maybe he should not be so surprised. After all, you are usually so laid back that it is hard to imagine your emotions getting riled up.

The silence stretches until you feel uncomfortable. While you are aware that not everyone gets your sense of humor, you at least expect them to recognize when you are trying to diffuse a situation. It seems that Jin is one of the few who cannot get that.

Having that defense mechanism ripped from under you is extremely jarring. Now you cannot try to joke about serious topics to avoid having to seriously think about it. This means all the running and other various attempts at distracting yourself are for naught.

A tiny seed of resentment takes root, but you immediately weed it out. This is by no means Jin’s fault. Lashing out at him is not only unfair, it is stupid. He has been nothing but friendly towards you. While you did not bond with him like some of the others, that does not mean you two do not get along.

With a heavy sigh, because now you feel guilty for subconsciously lashing out in an imagined scenario, you turn down the speed on the treadmill. It gives you something to do, as well as give you time to cool down. Only when you feel satisfied with the settings do you resume walking.

Jin is trying to figure out how to steer this conversation – or confrontation, really – in the direction he wants it to go. This once again only serves to remind him to better think things through. How is he supposed to help if he cannot even talk to you about it?

“I… I know he told you, Jin-ah,” you mumble.

To be honest, he is just relieved you did not call him _oppa_ as that seems to be your favorite way to get any of them flustered. Although no one reacts nearly to the extent of the maknae when you use that term on him. You being older than all of them makes it worse.

That relief is what he blames for it taking so long to click. He does not know what to say, because you clearly already _know_ that he does. It makes him feel guilty for being so obvious. He will have to work on this if he plans to help.

The slightly guilty look is more than enough confirmation for you.

He watches as you worry at your lip with your teeth, peeking up at him as if not sure he is still there. It is way too cute for your own good.

Why is this so hard? Jin is Yoongi’s hyung, your sunbae. He clearly wants to hear your side, but you cannot articulate everything very well. Not for the first time, you wish you could just function like a normal person. Then again, if you could, none of this would be happening. Bonwha would never have found you, this dream you never even realized you had would not be coming true.

Maybe that is why. This would not be happening as successfully if not for BTS. This feeling of being indebted to them makes it even harder to burden them with your feelings. So far the only two you have shared with are Taehyung – because he makes it seem like there is no burden – and a tiny bit with Yoongi, because he seemed to understand you.

That is your mistake.

Clearing your throat, you keep your eyes down at all the buttons on the machine.

“I-I know that… I can’t ask – I mean, I understand that you won’t tell me what he said. And I kn-know…” A huff escapes you. How can you be so fucking awkward?

“[Name]-ah…” Jin feels guilty watching you struggle so much.

Tears are threatening to clog your throat and you _refuse_ to cry in front of Jin, or any of BTS.

“I-I just…” Another huff to disguise the way your voice almost breaks. “Can you just tell him I…”

No, you cannot put Jin in the middle like this. Even if his seeking you out is basically putting himself in that position.

Jin watches the guilt battle for control as you clearly talk yourself out of asking the damn question. Any frustration he feels fades away when he sees you try to hurriedly wipe at your own tears.

The similarities between how you both are so bad at processing emotions does not escape his notice either. Perhaps your feelings for his friend are not so sudden and strange.

“Please,” you whisper so quietly he almost does not hear it over the machine. “I just… I’m sorry.”

That startles him so that he can only blink at you for a few seconds.

“Bwo? For what?” Jin sounds as confused as he feels.

You refuse to even look in his direction. “For ruining your dynamic, I guess? For... for being so damn stupid.” _And pathetic_.

Jin’s expression softens. “You have not ruined anything, [Nickname]-ah. And you certainly are not stupid.”

No, the idiot here is most definitely Yoongi.

The expression you give him is incredibly skeptical, but you manage not to call him a liar to his face.

There is no way you are going to spill everything to Jin. As supportive as he is, there are just some things that you will not talk to a guy about unless the two of you are already very close. Besides, you are under no illusions about where his loyalties lie, which is how is should be.

“I am, though,” you argue, but without any fight in you.

Maybe he _can_ tell Yoongi something for you. It does not seem like he cares overly much about being in the middle. He certainly did not need to search you out.

“I h-hate to ask, but I can’t—” _See him? Talk to him?_ “—so… If it isn’t too much trouble, please tell him I’m sorry for burdening him with my feelings. I shouldn’t have said anything.”

The defeat in your posture and voice makes Jin want to carry you to Yoongi and lock the two of you in a closet, or something. He wants to tell you all the things his friend confided in him, but you are right about his refusal to do so. Jin will never compromise the trust his friends have in him.

When there is no response, you finally shut off the machine. Hopping off – and ignoring how shaky your legs feel now – you tip forward into a respectful bow.

“Aish!” Jin immediately surges forward to straighten you back up. He ignores the way his ears feel warm. “Don’t do that.”

“Oh… Sorry.”

An exasperated noise escapes him. “You don’t need to apologize. However, I think you should talk to him about this yourself.”

Panic hits you like a wave. The absolute last thing you will ever do is bother Yoongi again. You are just too stupid to realize that his tolerating your presence was just that. It certainly was not supposed to indicate he actually enjoys having you around. Even those times he shyly showed the music he is working on meant nothing. He was just looking for an outside perspective.

You are so fucking delusional it makes you repulsive to yourself.

As quickly as that panicked expression crosses your face, Jin feels awful for even suggesting you interact with his dongsaeng. He really wishes you would open up about your feelings, but considering you want to apologize to Yoongi for even burdening him with them, it is fairly certain that you will refuse to share with Jin.

Maybe Taehyung can coax it out of you.

Jin just sighs in defeat. “I’ll pass it along.”

“Gomawo.” Your smile is nowhere near as bright as usual, but at least it is still genuine.

Only your sad eyes betray you.

It is obvious that your workout is done. Now, you just want to get back to your room and crash. You will bathe tonight when everyone else is asleep, that way you will have the hot springs to yourself. On your way out, you nod at Jin who has gotten on one of the elliptical machines. 

By the time you get to your room, it feels like someone has attached your feet to anvils so you can barely shuffle along the floor. It is a relief not to run into anyone on the way. The adrenaline crash is hitting fast and hard now that you are no longer being chased by zombies. There is a high likelihood that you will confess things you do not want to, because as tired as you are starting to feel, it almost seems like you are drunk.

In your room, you peel the sweaty work-out clothes off your body, before putting them in the mesh bag you use as a hamper for dirty clothes while on tour. You will have to make sure it gets washed sooner rather than later, so that your clothes do not stink. Also, because you have a limited supply of clothes, including your stage outfits. Although recently, you have started to let the coordi-noonas pick out your clothes. There is no real need to continue, but it is one less thing to worry about. Plus the outfits they pick are perfect, _and_ they are getting paid to help you.

Still, with your plan to bathe later, you end up just pulling the same pajamas on that you were wearing before going to lunch.

Checking your phone as you sprawl out on your futon, you see there is a message from Bonwha.

> You ok??

With a tiny smile at his concern, you tap to respond.

< I will be. Gonna nap

With the phone on silent, you plug it in to charge. That done, you burrow under the covers like it is a little cocoon. It is safe and warm in here.

You close your eyes tight when this feeling reminds you of Yoongi, refusing to give into the burning behind your eyelids. You are not going to cry over him again.

 _Stop being so pathetic_ , you almost growl out loud to yourself.

It is just that this whole situation sucks so much. You have lost more than just a crush. You are aware that is what the others think. This is just an infatuation that will soon fade; you are just being a little melodramatic. You could see it in Jin’s eyes, and a tiny bit in Namjoon’s, the bemusement on their faces as they try to understand why you are taking this so hard.

Only Bonwha seems to understand that your feelings go much deeper, beyond twitterpated. He accepts this while he waits for you to be able to elaborate.

You just do not know how to explain anything without it sounding stupid.

How do you tell someone that, at first, you were drawn to him because you enjoy how calm he is? When you are with him, you can finally appreciate the beauty in silence and stillness. Normally, those things trap you in a spiral of anxious thoughts that do not let up until you are in the midst of a panic attack. Yoongi calms the chaotic storm inside you so you can feel more tranquil. His mere presence is enough to put you in the eye of the storm.

If only you stayed quiet, then you could still be basking in that serenity. But no, you just had to blurt out your feelings. You just had to reach for something you know you can never attain.

Like Icarus, you tried to get too close and got burned. Plummeting to earth is probably less painful, actually. Is it weird to be jealous of a mythological Greek who died of entitlement and stupidity? _Yes, yes it is._

Amused at yourself for a few seconds, it fades quickly. Yoongi would have liked the metaphor, but you cannot share it with him now. You have fucked up everything.

Burying your face in your pillow, you try to will yourself to sleep; preferably before you suffocate.

Meanwhile, Yoongi cannot sleep.

After tossing and turning for over an hour, he has to admit defeat. The whole thing makes no sense, since he is practically famous for falling asleep pretty much anywhere. He feels bone-weary exhausted, on top of emotional fatigue. There is no reason that he is unable to sleep.

It is not until he realizes he has been thinking the same phrase over and over that he figures it out. Sleep will not come until he gets the song out of his head.

Which is why Namjoon finds him hunched over in a plush chair positioned in front of one of the giant windows staring out at the panoramic view of the snow falling. The contemplative look on the older guy’s face has him hesitating to interrupt. For the most part, they all joke about being scared of Yoongi, but that is all it is. The only scary part of him is when his anger is finally triggered. However, that is something that does not happen easily. Which is fortunate for everyone.

The movement of the tallest catches Yoongi’s attention, gaze focusing over his shoulder via the reflection in the glass. He is not sure what the other guy wants but has a sinking suspicion it has to do with you. He certainly had not missed the looks from Namjoon during lunch.

“Hey, Joonie,” he greats, voice subdued as if he is too tired to socialize.

Or to fight the conversation he can sense is coming.

Namjoon starts, having gotten distracted by the swirling snow outside. “Hey, hyung. I thought you went back to bed.”

Lips pursed in a pout, Suga looks back out at the storm. “I couldn’t sleep.”

He does not have to look to know there is a shocked expression on Namjoon’s face. The reflection showing as much makes him slump a little.

If only he can figure out the rest of the lyrics, then maybe his brain will let him rest even if only for a while.

Namjoon watches the older boy with concern. Not only is it unheard of that the other cannot sleep, but he is pretty sure it has been a while since he saw Yoongi out of sorts. He knows that your confession is to blame for the rapper’s current state. At first, Namjoon thought the other was just shy, made uncomfortable by the come-on, guilty over the rejection.

Now he has an idea what the _real_ issue is.

“Why not?” Just outright asking Yoongi to talk about his feelings will never work.

Unaware, the older guy frowns a little. Namjoon sounds a little too nonchalant, but he cannot see where the other is trying to go with this.

“I’ve got a line stuck in my head,” he answers, openly honest about this much.

Namjoon hums softly in acknowledgement, because he has experienced something similar before. In fact, he would not be surprised if many artists dealt with the same feeling. Still, most artists are not dealing with the aftermath of rejecting someone that everyone seems to know he cares about, except himself.

“Is it about [Name]?” It is easier for Namjoon to drop the honorifics like you have asked them to. Mostly, they only use it as a form of aegyo to make you flustered.

It is really cute when you get caught off-guard.

Yoongi stiffens a little before he can stop himself. He knows it has not gone unnoticed, so trying to pretend it did not happen will not work.

“No.” That does not sound as convincing as he wants it to. “Why would it be?”

It is frustrating that even he can tell he sounds guarded. The line in his head is related to this situation with you, but he is still trying to pretend otherwise. Romance has always been on the back-burner, if on the stove at all. He has always focused on his career, having no time to date. Now is not any different. The only thing that has changed is your confessing to him.

He does not understand why this is not just like when fans confess. That is flattering and makes him happy, because there is no pressure on him to reciprocate. Yes, he knows that you are not trying to do so, either, but he feels guilty. His brain is helpfully replaying the whole scenario on repeat so he cannot get it out of his head. It’s more cringe-worthy each time he lives through it again.

“Do you not like her?” Namjoon watches the way emotions flicker across his friend’s face.

“I never said that.” Yoongi sounds defensive even to himself.

Namjoon finally takes a seat in a nearby chair, turning it slightly so he has a better view of the blizzard outside, and he can keep his eye on the other.

“So you _do_ like her,” he says, as if Yoongi just confirmed it. “I thought so.”

He can feel his ears and cheeks getting warm. “I never said that, either!”

“It’s pretty obvious, hyung,” the taller of them says with a shrug, looking amused.

Now Yoongi’s face really feels hot. “How is it obvious?” he grumbles in a pout.

Namjoon hides a smile at the slip. His friend forgot to deny liking you again. He considers this to be progress. It might not be so difficult after all to get Suga to confront the feelings he is obviously trying to ignore.

“Because you let her hang around you when everyone else knows to leave you alone.”

It is Hobi that pointed this out months ago, much to the amusement of everyone else.

Yoongi’s chest feels tight and he doesn’t know why. “She’s quieter than the rest of you.”

That is certainly true, to an extent. It has been noted that you just sit next to him without speaking at all. Sometimes you would doze off, too, but more often you just played on your phone. However, you two did not always ignore each other; you were not silent all the time.

“Maybe,” Namjoon concedes with a shrug. “But you didn’t seem to mind it when she chatted.”

Part of him wants to get up and leave. This is not a fun conversation to be having. He spends so much time not delving deep into his emotions in order to prevent himself from getting overwhelmed because that just results in him sinking into depression. Since everyone is trapped, there is not a lot of options to snap him out of it since he cannot physically escape.

For a moment, he wonders if you would know how to get through to him. Not that it really matters.

Knowing his friend is waiting for a response, he shrugs. “She wasn’t bothering me.”

It is true, you do not bother him with your chit-chat. Maybe it is because your chattiness is few and far between.

What started out as companionable silence has grown into not only enjoying your company because you are quiet, but even being content to listen to you when you do fill the silence. The topics you focus on are varied so it never bores him. Your speaking voice is just as pleasant as your singing voice, maybe a little huskier, but just as warm.

You never seem to expect a response, either. The few times he has peeked over at you while pretending to sleep, you were not even looking at him. Even when you could see his eyes were open, you still did not directly address him. The handful of times you also dozed off, he would wake up to find you curled up with your arms tucked up against your chest.

Normally, you latch onto and cling to the nearest body. Like Taehyung, you sleep better hugging something. It is a testament to your unwillingness to impose or otherwise disturb him that you do not wrap yourself around him like an octopus. He will never admit it, but he was a little sad you did not.

The prolonged silence has him turning slightly so he can look at his friend. Namjoon is only watching him with a little frown. He looks almost disappointed, like Yoongi has done or said something wrong. The older boy cannot think of what that could be.

“That’s it?” Namjoon asks, looking unconvinced. “She’s just less annoying?”

Yoongi winces, because that is not what he meant to convey. This is why he struggles so much with expressing his feelings. He says things wrong and does not realize it until the other person is upset.

Just like his response to you saying you like him. Apologizing for you having feelings for him was a stupid idea.

“That’s not…” His protest dies on his lips, words almost tasting bitter. He does not want to lie.

Aware of this, Namjoon rolls his eyes. “C’mon, hyung, I’m not an idiot. It sure looked like more than just tolerance on your part.”

Yoongi flushes, nose wrinkling a little. It feels like a headache is building. As much as he wants to, he does not get up and walk away. He knows his dongsaeng is trying to help.

He looks back out at the snow. It reminds him of you; one of the times you were talking to yourself – or maybe it was _at_ him? – you mentioned loving to watch the snow fall. He remembers, because he agrees. The silence and beauty of snow makes watching it almost hypnotic.

Now that he is thinking about it, Yoongi realizes that the things you seemed to be sharing at random are all little insights into what makes you, you. The things you said, he found himself silently agreeing with you on most of. You always seem to know when to be quiet, and when talking is okay. He never really noticed just how intuitive you are with him.

The times he did interact with you always seemed to make your day. Yoongi remembers the way your face would light up when you realized he was speaking to you. The elation you felt when he shyly shared one of the pieces he has been working on seemed to make you glow with happiness. That has never seemed like it could be physically possible until he saw you do it. You would smile and try to hide your cheeks turning pink behind your hair whenever he sat next to you, or even just handed you a drink when you happened to look thirsty.

It is obvious to him, now, that you have feelings for him.

He is an idiot.

Namjoon almost feels bad when he sees the conflict and guilt on Yoongi’s face. Considering the older one has been pursuing his dream career since he was a kid, it really should not surprise anyone that he has practically no experience with girls outside of fellow musicians, or the fans. The only reason you got as close as you have is because you snuck in as just a sunbae and worked your way up to friend.

“Do you like her back?” he asks quietly.

There is no sign of anyone else, but he figures he should keep his voice down just in case.

Yoongi frowns in thought, lips pressing into a straight line. Thinking about this makes his stomach twist in knots, chest getting tight. His whole body feels warm. It is really uncomfortable.

“It doesn’t matter,” he mutters, deflecting.

“Bullshit,” is Namjoon’s reaction. “Of course it matters. Do you like it when she keeps you company?”

His answer is a grudging. “Yes.”

Namjoon tries not to look amused, or exasperated. “Do you like it when she talks at you?”

Yoongi tries to hide a wince, licking his lip. He wonders if you consider it as you just talking _at_ him, too. It makes it somehow worse that even the others noticed the one-sided effort.

Yet you never complained, or tried to push him to respond.

He feels like a piece of shit. He is not sure what he could have said differently. Maybe he could have come up with something that hurt you less.

“Yes,” he mumbles. 

It is true. He likes having you nearby. Whether you are quiet or not, having you there provides almost like a tether to keep him from getting lost if he starts to go too far into the dark part of his mind. Apparently your presence is more important to him than he thought. He did not even realize he was taking you for granted.

Namjoon can tell by the expressions crossing the other’s face that the epiphany is close. He will have to tread carefully so he does not make Yoongi shut down.

“Do you miss her?” The question is quiet, just barely loud enough to be heard.

The way Yoongi reaches up to rub at his ear is all the answer the leader needs. He is still going to make the older guy admit it out loud, though.

Yoongi feels strange. His face and neck are hot, his palms clammy. It feels a bit like his heart is going to explode out of his chest. He wants to run away, or maybe throw up. He feels restless. It is not particularly pleasant.

Does he miss you? If he is honest with himself, then yes. He misses the shy glances, the quiet sighs, the soft giggles over something you see on your phone, the way you light up when he talks to you. He misses the way you stick the tip of your tongue out when you are concentrating hard on something. He misses the way you shake with silent laughter at his jokes, when no one else catches them.

Yoongi misses you.

“Yeah,” he sighs heavily, slumping a little in his seat. He misses you, and it is his fault you are avoiding him.

He is such an idiot.

At the last second, Namjoon bites back a cheer of success. This is more progress than he anticipated making. Still, for someone who just realized they like someone back after all, Suga seems less than enthused. It confuses him as he tries to think of a reason this is not a cause for celebration. You like him and he likes you, too, in order to miss you. This seems like a win-win. Unless… Is it platonic?

“Do you find her attractive?” he wonders, ignoring the way his ears feel hot. It is just a simple question.

Yoongi looks at him like Namjoon just announced his attraction to crabs. “What kind of question is that?”

The leader rolls his eyes. “A simple one. Do you think [Name] is attractive?”

The question sounds just as stupid the second time. Of _course_ he thinks you are attractive. You’re very cute most of the time, but he has seen you be downright beautiful when happy, and sexy when you are feeling playful. Sometimes you even manage to pull off all three in the span of a single show. Actually, now that he thinks about it, he is fairly certain you managed to be all three during one _song_.

“Only a blind man would think she’s unattractive,” he grumbles.

You might not look like the S-line girls that women in Korea – especially Seoul – strive to be. But, to be honest, Yoongi prefers it this way. You are short enough even in high heels to make him feel tall, which is nice. Especially considering how much taller everyone else is, except Jimin. As for the rest of you, well, he is a man. The soft curves are entirely too enticing, which you have in spades in all the right places.

More than once, Yoongi has stopped himself from reaching out to see if you feel as soft and warm as you look. He just assumes so, considering how much the others also seem to enjoy touching and cuddling on you.

The flash of jealousy hits so hard it startles him out of his thoughts.

“So… you miss her, enjoy her company, and find her attractive,” Namjoon lists off. “Am I missing something?”

So this is where he was being steered towards. The older one feels a little stupid for not realizing it sooner. Then again, if he had, the conversation would have ended before it began.

“I meant it when I said I’m focusing on my career, so I don’t have time.” There is not enough time even if he is less focused. Even on tour, there is little downtime. What kind of relationship would that be?

Namjoon sighs softly, recognizing the stubborn look under the slight pout. “Are you worried she will hold you back?”

“No!” is out of him immediately, because the idea is absurd. Trying to hold him back is the absolute last thing you would ever do.

As a musician, you understand the pressures he is under, whether self-imposed or not. The handful of times you have caught him writing or composing, you either quietly slipped away, or took up a comfy space nearby to keep a silent vigil while he worked. Maybe he did not do a good job of conveying his gratitude for the unspoken support. He knows, even now, that you will always be happy to listen to his works in progress, and will offer constructive criticism where needed.

He deflates suddenly. You are probably not as willing to help him now, considering you will not even look at him.

Namjoon pretends not to notice. “So if you aren’t worried about _that_ , then what?”

Yoongi just sighs heavily. He is reaching the point where he is done with this situation, with the conversation. A part of him recognizes it as running away from his feelings, but the rest of him shuts that up. The fact his dongsaeng is poking holes in his excuses is unnecessarily irritating, and he does not want to lash out.

There are a bunch of reasons he is afraid – yes, he will admit it to himself, it is fear – to acknowledge his feelings for you. So far, he has managed not to think about the more personal ones. As much as he loves his friend, those other reasons are not something he is willing to discuss.

At least not while this sober.

“It wouldn’t be fair to her, Joonie. You know how the sasaengs can get, how even ARMY gets. On top of basically no time together, she’d have to deal with the backlash. She deserves better than that. “ _Better than me_. But he will not say that part out loud.

Uncurling from his spot on the chair, Yoongi gets to his feet and stretches. Talking about this has not helped at all, he just feels even more conflicted. His thoughts and emotions are still in a tangled knot that he is not sure he can unravel right now. Or any time soon, really.

Maybe his thoughts will distract him from the lyrics bouncing in his head.

It is quickly obvious that his friend is done. Namjoon does not want to piss Suga off, but he is afraid that the other rapper will stop thinking about it altogether. Or, worse, he might stew on it so that it will fester, sucking him into one of his depressed episodes. It is not something anyone wants for him, so the last thing the leader wants is to push him over the edge with no way to pull him back.

Still, he cannot just let this be.

“I think you should let [Nickname] decide whether she thinks you are worth it,” he says, voice almost gentle.

He knows his friend enough to guess at some of the deeper reasons that Suga is wary of reciprocating,

Yoongi pauses, cursing softly about the logic behind those words. He just does not understand how you can think he is worth all the stress.

Rubbing tiredly at his face, he slips around the chair. It is obvious that he is leaving. Namjoon does not try to stop him, a little resigned. At least he made _some_ progress.

“Maybe,” the other mutters, conceding the point. “I’m gonna try to sleep again.”

A part of him expects his dongsaeng to call out, or stop him. It does not happen, so he quietly makes his way to his room. He has been sharing it with Jin, who he hopes is not there. At the very least, he hopes his friend leaves him alone. He does not appreciate the ribbing he got for how he rejected you. It left him aggravated and defensive.

To his utter relief, Jin is not there. It looks like he might have been somewhat recently, but there is no sign as to where he went.

Dread drops in his stomach like a stone.

You had mentioned the gym. Jin is always working out after he eats, almost like it is his way of keeping his visuals while still enjoying food immensely.

Maybe his hyung did not get there in time to run into you. Even as he thinks it, the rapper knows it is pretty likely the oldest planned his workout to coincide with yours.

By the time he sprawls out on his futon, it is all he can do to turn his phone on silent. He doubts that anyone will come looking for him anytime soon.

He falls asleep thinking about the line he still cannot get out of his head.

By the time you wake up, all you want to do is eat and bathe. Checking the time, you are surprised to see that you slept through dinner. You must have worn yourself out running even more than you thought. The dull ache in your muscles makes you reluctant to move. Maybe if you stay still, food will magically appear. _Preferably brought by Yoongi in only a—_

You slap yourself hard enough to sting. Fantasizing about him will just make it harder to get over him, which you have already accepted will be really difficult.

Groaning softly, you force yourself to roll onto your side. The momentum carries you all the way over to your stomach. With your face buried in the pillow, you consider just sleeping again. Maybe you will even suffocate.

Reaching out, you grab your phone so you can get a good look at the time. You probably should not be surprised to see several messages: 3 from Bonwha, 2 from Emily, and 1 from Namjoon.

The first two are easy, since they are asking where you are. The message from the leader of BTS takes a bit longer to respond to. He agreed to help you with a personal project when you asked a couple of weeks ago. He had been rather adorably flattered. Who else would you go to for help with translating a song into Korean except for a rapper? They are essentially wordsmiths in order to get everything to flow.

You were too embarrassed to ask Yoongi even before you confessed. Now you are not even sure you want him to hear the song at all. Maybe you can get one of the guys to distract him when you sing it. _Why does it matter? He already thinks you are pathetic_. That might be true, but you see no reason to make him feel bad for you. You have been careful not to discuss the song’s content with Namjoon, although it makes translating a little difficult. He is fluent in English, yes, but you have to still explain certain words or phrases to him. Like just now.

That done, you lie there for a moment. You are hungry, but not enough to go eat with others. You cannot order food, because of the fucking blizzard. It will put unnecessary work on the staff if you try to get room service.

 _Meh_. Now you are not even that hungry at all anymore.

That leaves bathing. You are finally ready to try the hot springs.

The first day you got there, Emily had dragged you to the women’s pool. She refused to go to the _konyaku onsen_ because of the sausage-fest, but was too shy to go be the only non-Asian in the baths. The showers had been a little weird, but the locals seemed to be completely relaxed while washing in front of each other. No one had stared at you or anything, which also helped.

However, you want to go to the mixed pool. Not only is it bigger, but it has an outdoor portion. Nothing sounds better than soaking in hot water while snow falls on you. Maybe you can even get some _sake_ to bring with you. You have not really had a chance to enjoy the local cuisine, too busy pining over Yoongi.

The marathon earlier seems to have brought along a sense of acceptance, even if it is rather resigned on your part. Or maybe you are just still worn out enough not to have energy to waste being depressed over the rejection.

The bath will help with further relaxation and aching muscles.

As you contemplate the amount of energy you will need to get up, your phone vibrates against your hand.

> Gwenchana? Where are you?

Even through text, you can feel Taehyung’s concern. It makes you smile softly.

< I was napping. I’m fine.

> Aish. Just like Suga-hyung

You flinch, glad that no one is here to see it. Just the mention of your crush makes you want to hide under the blankets again. Despite being determined to bathe, you cannot help but hesitate. Once clean, you will have to return to the room where you will be sleeping alone. Emily is not much of a cuddler, and you really do not want to struggle with falling asleep. Biting your lip, you finally type out your request.

But before you can send it, Taehyung messages you again.

> What are you doing?

You delete what you have typed out already with a huff.

< Gonna get ready to go to the baths

< Can I ask you a favor?

The last thing you send quickly before you can chicken out. You do not understand why you feel nervous about asking. It certainly is not the first time. Maybe you are a little worried about getting rejected again for whatever reason. Like it is contagious, soon all of them will reject your presence and friendship.

 _Fucking stop it, [Name]_. Doing that will never happen, you are just being paranoid. It is dumb on your part. Just because Yoongi is not interested in you romantically does not mean the others will refuse to even show platonic affection like they have started including you all in lately as your bands grow closer.

> Sure thing. What?

< Can I crash with you tonight?

The likelihood of him refusing is pretty slim. The others tolerate his sleep-clinging, but you actually enjoy it. Being held in return is always better than just clinging to someone.

> On one condition!

You blink a couple of times. Conditions? Since when does he require some type of tribute?

Why are you now imagining sacrifices on an altar dedicated to him? It will not surprise you if there are sasaengs with such a shrine somewhere. K-pop fans are kind of crazy.

< What?

> Come to the hot springs with us!

Well, that is not what you expected. You are so caught off-guard, you cannot help but just stare at the screen of your phone so long it shuts off. Sitting up with the blankets settling around your hips, you unlock your phone so you can actually respond.

< Who is us?

Because if for some reason this includes Yoongi – although you doubt he will go when he knows others will be there – then you will just have to cling to your pillows.

The response is a selca with the four members of the dance-line. It looks like all of them are in the midst of trying to do aegyo. You are a little relieved not to be receiving it in person. Adult men should not be so fucking cute, it is bad for your heart.

Still, going to the hot springs with them could be fun. Obviously they intend to visit the _konyoku onsen_ which makes you a little nervous. Mixed bathing is not really a thing in the United States, and you have never been interested in visiting nude beaches. Still, it is an experience to check off the bucket list. At least you know these guys.

Or does that make it worse? You are not sure.

< Fine. When?

> Now! See you there~

Rolling your eyes, you get to your feet and stretch. Well, you did want to go to the hot spring tonight. At least you will not be alone.

Quickly grabbing your toiletries – shampoo, body wash, and a body puff – you make your way from the room. There are helpful signs strategically placed around the resort that direct guests to the waters. You are grateful, because this one is in a different area to the women-only pool you went to with Emily. Without the signs, you would have gotten lost.

You slip into a small room. Against one wall are dozens of little cubbies with handwoven baskets in them. These are for the clothes you are wearing. Across from the cubbies are hooks with an assortment of soft, white robes. These are optional; a sign near the door warns that no clothing is allowed in the springs themselves. Debating briefly, you decide not to bother with a robe. It is unlikely that you will be cold. The heat leaking through the door is enough to make you feel a little sweaty.

As you slip from your clothes, your phone vibrates on the little bench you assume is meant for those who need assistance undressing to sit on.

It is a message from Hobi.

< We’re done in the showers. All yours <3

You smile a little in relief. While you had resigned yourself to having to wash with them, you are pleasantly surprised not to. This gives you a little more time to gather your confidence. Or at least get the mask in place so you can fake it.

< Gomawo! Heading in now

With your clothing tucked away in a basket, you cross over to the glass door. There is a larger basket on a small table to the side. In this one are a bunch of small, white hand-towels. Even though you do not need it to wash with, you grab one just in case. It can double as a modesty cover until you can slip into the waters.

A wall of humidity hits you as soon as you slip through the door. You are amused to discover it is not frosted glass but condensation that makes the glass opaque. Still, you breathe the steam in, allowing the warmth to coax you into relaxing.

It is still a little jarring to see the Japanese layout. Instead of spigots up at about waist-level and the spout overhead, the showers are set low to the ground with little wooden stools to sit on. You know from the first time that the water flow shuts off automatically, so you have to be fast when rinsing off.

Pulling the handheld showerhead out of the holder to hold over your hair, you quickly rinse yourself off. A bit of sweaty water gets in your yes, stinging enough to make you curse under your breath as you frantically try to blink it out. That done, you sit on the stool to begin working your lathered body puff over your skin, scrubbing just harsh enough to buff away old skin without scratching it raw.

After another quick rinse, it is time to wash your hair. It does not take very long, although you do try to work some knots out with your fingers.

This time, you stand up to rinse off. There is a mirror on the wall.

 _Alright, we can do this._ You are not sure who the other half of “we” is, but you decide not to dwell on it. With a critical eye, you look yourself over.

It is not bad, what you see in your reflection. You are attractive enough, you suppose, in your own way. Not in the same way that Korean women are, but tolerable. Emily likes to remind you that you are hot, but it never really sinks in.

Aesthetically, there is nothing wrong with you. Your muscles are toned, but not bulky. Your stomach is flat with a hint of definition, waist narrowing to flare out in hips you used to be shy of. The ass attached to those hips is nice, too. Certainly larger than the ulzzangs, but still tight. It tends to make your pants scandalous at times.

With the hand not holding the showerhead, you slide your fingers up from your hip, along your side, to just under your chest resting it on your ribs. Your bosom is decent, too; full enough to need a bra for activity, but still perky enough to get away without as long as you are not cold, or expected to run around.

There is nothing you can see that might make you unattractive to Yoongi, unless he just is not into women who are not Asian.

You straighten up, lifting your chin, almost defiant. _Whatever. His loss._ Maybe if you keep thinking that, eventually you will believe it.

After setting your bath products to the side so they are not in the way of anyone else who comes to bathe, you pick up the hand towel again. With a quick debate, you toss it over your shoulder.

With a deep breath, you make your way to the curtain that leads out into the _onsen_.

For his part, Taeyhyung is not sure what possessed him to bribe you into joining them. If he is honest with himself, at least part of it is to hopefully cheer you up. It will be easier to do if you will just tell him what happened, but he will make-do until you feel comfortable enough to open up. He has learned that trying to push you to do so faster has the opposite effect.

Deep down, a miniscule part of him wants to see you naked. For science!

Hoseok had jumped at the chance to take part in Operation [Name]’s Smile, so that is how he finds himself waiting for you with the others. He already knows you are upset about something Suga did, but not what; Bonwha refused to give him specifics.

Jimin is trying to hide his nerves about seeing you naked by goofing off and distracting Jungkook. The three older guys are eagerly anticipating the maknae’s reaction, considering how awkward and shy he is with girls he does not know who are fully clothed. It has not seemed to sink in that you will be as naked as they are.

“Should we get in the water?” Jimin wonders, feeling a little self-conscious.

You are a pretty girl, and he is completely naked. He resents V’s refusal to allow them any sort of modesty towel. It is unlikely the staff would really get upset if a man was using one.

“Nope!” is Taehyung’s response. “We await the princess.”

That catches the youngest’s attention. “Princess?”

Hobi slings an arm over Jungkook’s shoulders. “Don’t worry about V. He’s saying nonsense.”

That earns the mood-maker a petulant glare. “I am not! I am merely referring to—”

“Noona!” Jimin interrupts. He quickly steps to the side so he is partially hidden by the older of his two dongsaengs.

All eyes turn to you as you make your way towards them, the towel hanging over your shoulder so nothing is hidden.

Between the slight bounce of your breasts and the swing of your hips, all four of the guys are shocked dumb.

J-Hope is the first to recover, having quickly thought of anything and everything he has ever found scary.

“Looking good,” he says with a grin, going for playful since his face is too hot for smooth.

Your face cheeks turn a rosy pink. “Thanks, Hobi.”

The sound of your voice jolts Taehyung back to reality as thoughts of his grandparents’ farm smothers any arousal.

“Wow, you are so pretty!” Compliments are easy. Yes.

The silence stretches for a moment, causing V to look over at the other two.

“You’re drooling, Kookie,” Taehyung whispers, grinning. Reaching out, he uses a finger to push Jimin’s jaw up to close his mouth.

Jungkook looks at him wide-eyed, before turning that expression back to you as you make your way towards them. A second after, his gaze is up on the ceiling, face on fire.

Jimin pulls his head away from V’s hand, swallowing hard even as his own face turns pink. He does his best to keep his eyes above your shoulders.

Hobi looks on in amusement, remembering the time both admitted to being fans of breasts, of which yours are ample.

Jimin swallows hard. “H-hey…” Thinking about gross things is helping with his own reaction.

It’s just… You have really nice tits, complete with a good underlying bone structure. He almost wishes that Taehyung had not stolen your heart away. It hardly seems fair.

You watch in amusement, face feeling better. At least you no longer feel as self-conscious. These four have at least reassured you about your physical appearance, so you will take it as a balm for your ego.

When no one moves, you arch an eyebrow. “Are we going to get in?”

You do not wait for them to respond before stepping around them to slowly enter the large pool. It is almost too hot, eliciting a soft hiss as you slowly ease your way in. Already, your nose is getting used to the cloying stench of sulfur.

The guys quickly follow you, although Jimin ends up having to guide the youngest because he refuses to look where he is going after doing so resulted in him gawking at your butt. Helping Jungkook makes it easier for Jimin not to stare at you, too.

Everyone is relieved once submerged in the water. You are careful to keep the milky water high enough to mostly hide your breasts, at least at first. Once it gets too warm, you stand up to cool off a little. The breeze blowing through the curtain that separates the inner pool from the outside air is frigid, yet crisp with the scent of snow. You make a note to go out there later.

Coming to the _onsen_ is the best idea you have had in a long time, and technically it is Taehyung’s idea. You thought you wanted to be left alone, but this is what you really need. Some light-hearted, flirty fun is working wonders on your broken heart. You almost forget about Yoongi and the confession for a while.

You feel a little bad about the way Jungkook cannot seem to decide whether to stare openly at you with what the fans label as his Jungshook, or if he wants to stare determinedly everywhere else but at you. Eventually, even he relaxes.

At least as long as you stay submerged, so you are fully covered.

Hobi watches you, noting that he is not the only one. It does not seem that you have told V anything yet, which is a little surprising. You are practically best friends with the boy; you seem to complement each other perfectly. He has not seen Taehyung so at ease in a long time. He is grateful that you have brought their eccentric, loving friend back out of his shell. For a while, it seemed like the ARMY complaints about how weird he is had gotten to him. His spirit is brightened by your presence. It is something he knows that everyone notices.

Considering how carefree you seem right now, Hoseok almost feels bad for having to ruin it with his questions. He watches you and the younger guys goof off, sometimes joining in. But mostly he is trying to figure out the best time to bring it up.

All of them are happy to see you smiling and laughing again, especially after how you were at breakfast. As far as Jungkook is concerned, whatever upset you must be resolved. He is happy to be having so much fun with his friends. Seeing you naked is a bonus.

Jimin wonders if they should have invited everyone, but is selfishly glad to keep you amongst the danceline. Besides, he is fairly sure it would have been a bad idea, although he is not able to pinpoint why. It is just a gut feeling, but he has a feeling whoever upset you is one of the other three. Probably not Jin, and he has seen you chatting with Namjoon recently. No, the only one you have been avoiding is…

Suga.

But that makes no sense. He is pretty sure the second-oldest has barely spoken to you a handful of times. You just seem to sit near him, not conversing or really interacting. So what could the grandpa have done to upset you so bad? It is very confusing.

Taehyung has figured out it involves Yoongi, too. He just does not care about the details when his focus is on distraction and cheering you up. It seems to be working, proving once again that V is a genius.

When one of the attendants comes in to check on everything, the five of you spread out like you were not just playing a rowdy game of Marco Polo, waiting for them to leave as patiently as possible. You probably should not be surprised by how competitive Jungkook is. The game has him coming out of his shell a little, like he is so focused on winning that he forgets about your nudity entirely.

Until he slams into you and almost knocks you into the water, catching you against him at the last second.

“S-sorry, noona,” he says, face red as he tries to help you back to your feet.

It takes him longer to notice just how he is holding you, with you tucked up against him as your chest is pressed against his stomach. Your faces are _very_ close together, so you can see the minute the youngest realizes he is holding your body so closeq . Your skin – so much skin – is warm and soft against his.

For a moment, his brain short circuits as he freezes, looking at you. _Very Jungshook_ , you think with fond amusement. You would have to be dead not to react to the position you are in, but fortunately for you, the only outward sign is the steady rise in color in your cheeks. Still, a part of you wants to see how long it takes for him to snap back to reality.

“Yah! Let the princess go!” Taehyung hollars, but without any heat. He has a delighted grin on his face, even if there is a little twinge of _something_ in his chest. He promptly ignores it.

Jungkook almost drops you like hot coal, but tightens his grip at the last second. “Sorry!”

Finally, he straightens up and carefully sets you on your feet with his arms outstretched so you are as physically far away from him as he can put you down without dropping you. It is a little disorienting to get picked up and moved about like a doll.

“Here,” Jungkook mumbles, reaching out to brush water off your shoulder, but stops at the last second when he sees that doing so puts his hands rather close to your boobs. The ones that were just pressed against him. He gulps. “Sorry again, noona.”

You smile encouragingly at him, but he is too busy avoiding eye contact to see it. Once you’re steady on your feet, you step back a little so he does not feel so overwhelmed. Except doing so bares everything from just under your ribcage up. Jungkook’s eyes focus on your chest for a second before you can crouch down and cover up with the water.

Jimin watches the whole thing in obvious amusement. “Aigoo, you realize she is everyone’s noona, right? That’s why she asked to be called by name.”

While that is true, you honestly do not mind it coming from the maknae. He does it all the time, not just to make you all flustered with aegyo.

Despite knowing Jimin is just teasing, you pretend to glare at him. “Yah! Kookie can call me ‘noona’ if he wants to.”

The slight pout on his face melts away, leaving the youngest to look smug with a tiny grin. “See, hyung?”

Jimin huffs softly, but is not actually put out or anything. He thinks Jungkook’s crush on you is cute. It is obvious to everyone – except you – that the youngest is full of puppy-love for you. The rest are fairly certain you are not even aware, which is for the best. If you knew and treated him differently, Jungkook might implode; you are just as likely to flirt outrageously with extra – but not excessive – aegyo as you are to act like you know nothing.

Still, you are ready to relax now, and cool off. Instead of getting out, you wade over to the heavy curtain that keeps a surprising amount of cold air outside. Even before you reach it, you can see snow still falling through the gaps made when the breeze hits it. Sitting out in the snow while warm in the hot spring I what you have been wanting to do since arriving in Japan. Now you can.

“[Name]?” Hobi notices you moving away. “Where are you going?”

Probably a stupid question, considering the lack of logical options for you in the direction you are going. It just seems unlikely that you will want to go to the outside portion. As far as he knows, none of them have braved the blizzard for the scenery.

You just smile sweetly over your shoulder at him – Hoseok swallows hard, because the lighting and your nudity make that smile a lot less innocent – before ducking through the curtain.

The four idols stand there in shock. No one has been crazy enough to go out there yet. It makes all of them feel a little pathetic that a girl is braver than they are.

“It’s so cold out there,” Jimin whines with a pout.

Taehyung is already wading after you. “Just keep the water at your neck, you’ll be fine!”

Hobi follows second, with Jungkook hesitating only briefly before following. Jimin groans, but moves to join the rest. Maybe he can toss you over his shoulder and rag you back in? He actually gives this serious consideration before sighing. That will put your body against his, though, and he is not so sure he can keep his hands from wandering out of pure curiosity. It looks like he has no choice, though.

The guys find you reclining against the rocks at the far side of the outdoor pool. You look like a cute little animal with your eyes squinting in pleasure, a contented smile on your face. You tilt your head back enough to catch snowflakes on your tongue, nose, and eyelashes. This is the best.

Only one thing could really improve it, but you know better. Alcohol and these four? No, bad idea. Especially given your recent emotional state.

Hoseok and Taehyung watch you quietly. They both notice when your expression falls, although they are not sure why. V chews on his lip for a moment, thinking.

Unfortunately, J-Hope is out of patience. No more games, he wants to know what is going on with you.

Moving closer, he waits for you to look up at him. He is frowning slightly in concern. “What did Suga-hyung do?”

“Nothing…” You wince at how defensive you sound. At the less-than-convinced looks, you drop your gaze down to the milky water.

This is super embarrassing. Why did you agree to come here with them? On top of being vulnerable with your emotions for Yoongi about to be bared, you are physically exposed just by being naked.

Hobi almost feels bad for asking, but he knows if you do not open up about it, he cannot help you feel better. The need to keep his friends happy has extended to you and the others in your band by now. There has to be _something_ he can do to help.

“I confessed…” you admit quietly, making ripples in the water around you with your fingertips, before hugging yourself tight across the chest. Your shoulders hunch a little protectively. “And he rejected it.”

The other three look startled as it clicks. Taehyung feels like an idiot for not having realized sooner. Meanwhile, Jimin and Jungkook are shocked because both had assumed you had feelings for V.

Hobi does not know what to say. On the one hand, being rejected is awful, so he feels like maybe he should let you work through it on your own. Then again, he is pretty sure you being depressed is worse. It is not like this is a simple fix, either. He definitely cannot make Yoongi return your feelings. This certainly complicates things. He thought maybe Suga said something that you took the wrong way; that would have been so much easier to handle.

Taehyung is too busy thinking over the past couple of months. He is not sure when you started getting close to the quiet rapper. At the time, he thought nothing of it. As much as he loves his hyung, he knows that the older boy can come off as cold, especially with strangers. Unless he is on stage, anyway. Still, it seemed like Yoongi at least enjoyed your company, for all that you two barely talked. For the most part, it looked like you were chatting at him.

Yet he cannot say he is surprised. Yoongi has a way of getting into people’s hearts and making himself some room. Not to mention, your personalities mesh together well. Taehyung cannot think of a reason for anyone to reject you.

“I thought you liked V,” Jungkook blurts out.

You miss the way Taehyung’s skin starts to turn pink.

Your face feels warm. To be fair, you do like Taehyung a lot. His positive energy, sense of humor, and playfulness never ceases to make you happy. When he is upset, you are ready to destroy whatever – or whoever – stole the smile off his face. If you had not fallen for Yoongi, you are pretty sure your heart would have chosen Taehyung. Hell, you already wish you fell for your friend instead. You probably would be happy together.

The only downside is that sometimes Taehyung’s energy leaves you drained. Yoongi does not have that effect.

Jungkook looks a little sheepish when Jimin gives him a look. He is not trying to upset you, which he thinks he has done by the emotions crossing your face. He feels like an idiot.

“I do like V,” you finally admit. Before anyone can respond, you turn to him. “You are ridiculously attractive, you know that, right?”

Taehyung’s ears feel like they have burst into flames. He looks down at himself when you wave your hand to emphasize what you are talking about. He cannot stop the goofy smile that is big enough to make his cheeks hurt, eyes squished into slits. Having a pretty, naked girl telling him how attractive he is will flatter anyone. Even him.

“Thanks,” he mumbles, uncharacteristically shy.

He does not even care you only have platonic feelings for him. As confident as he is, being in a relationship is so far out of his considerably vast comfort zone. No, he much prefers playful, innocent flirting that will go nowhere. There are no expectations from you so he feels free to be himself.

Jimin glances between you both, frowning slightly. “I’m confused. You like TaeTae _and_ Suga?”

That hardly seems fair.

Hoseok rolls his eyes at the slight pout on Jimin’s face. At least the flirting is just his having fun. Briefly, J-Hope wonders if everyone blatantly flirting with you – and Emily, to be fair, but you are the one who plays along – has anything to do with Yoongi’s rejection. Perhaps especially the friendship between you and Taehyung, even. It is no secret that sometimes you will crash with the guy, since you are both prone to clinging to anything close enough when you sleep. Does the second oldest think there is more going on?”

Even though you can tell Jimin is teasing, you can see the genuine confusion on Jungkook’s face. He is starting to pout a little, too.

“Not the same, but yes.” You try to think of how to explain it. “Taehyung is like the wind that chases the storm clouds away. Yoongi… He’s like the blanket I wrap up in to protect against the wind’s energy.”

Alright, speaking in metaphors is a little pathetic, but you cannot think of another way to articulate the difference in your feelings for the two men.

“So… What you’re saying is that you want Suga to wrap himself around you,” Jimin says with a devilish grin.

“Hyung!” Jungkook gasps, eyes wide.

“’Cloud-Chaser’? I like that,” Taehyung mumbles to himself, smiling happily.

Jungkook looks at him incredulously, too.

Hobi’s iconic laughter echoes in the silence, sounds muffled by the snow. He looks embarrassed for having erupted so loudly.

You are blushing so hard you can feel the blood pounding under your skin. As the brat intended, your mind took a nosedive into the gutter. You would very much like for Yoongi to wrap you up in his arms.

Reality chases the blush away, leaving behind a resigned smile. Jimin winces when he sees it. He did not mean to upset you. At the pointed looks from his friends, he sighs heavily. He is pretty sure his hyung is an idiot for rejecting you.

Clearing your throat, you avoid their gazes. “So… yeah. That’s why I’ve been acting so upset. Sorry.”

The apology is vague, but it covers a lot of things. Guilt wracks you over having romantic notions for any of them in the first place. The fact you bothered to confess, burdening not only the object of your crush but also everyone else with your feelings and the fallout. If you could have predicted this outcome, you never would have said anything. You wish you can go back in time to stop yourself from doing it in the first place. On top of this, you feel bad for letting your personal problems affect your work.

Since your gaze is focused on the snow falling overhead, you missed the shared looks between the three older guys. Jungkook just frowns, a little confused. Once Jimin leans over to explain in a whisper, the maknae looks a bit like a kicked puppy.

He does not want anyone to hurt or upset his favorite noona.

It is Taehyung who wades over to you carefully. You do not think anything of it until he is wrapping his arms around you at your side. He is absently careful not to touch anywhere except around your shoulders. Only sheer willpower keeps him from thinking about, or responding to, the bare breasts resting just below his arm. Also the fact he is naked, too.

“Don’t worry, [Nickname],” he says softly. “As your friends, we want to know what is going on so we can help you through it. That’s what friends do.” As if you do not know that already.

A soft snort escapes you, but you smile despite yourself. “If that came from anyone else, it would be so incredibly cheesy.”

Taehyung only smiles at you, clearly pleased with himself. The smile somehow manages to grow when you twist a little to slip your arms around his waist with a little squeeze. Both of you are doing a great job ignoring the nudity of yourselves and each other.

The other three guys are actually rather impressed.

The five of you do not stay for much longer. As fun as this was, you do not feel like you got to do any of the relaxation you were hoping for. While climbing out, you decide to come back tomorrow night when you are sure no one else is here. Maybe you will even bring _sake_. You are pretty sure you saw something mentioning it. Or maybe you saw that in a movie.

When the two of you share a look, Taehyung nods. Even without speaking, you know it is his invitation to come to his room soon. After you gather your things, you slip on one of the robes in the first room and the slippers you wear inside. Then you go back to your room so you can put on pajamas. This way you can just crash when you get to his room.

The guys split ways shortly after you disappear down a long corridor. Considering the events over the past couple of hours, Taehyung is feeling pretty accomplished. Not only did he get you laughing and playing around again, but you also opened up about what is going on. Sure, technically that was J-Hope’s doing, but still. The end result is what matters!

Now he just has to figure out what to do about Suga.

Taehyung likes to consider himself fairly close to his hyung. The two of them are openly affectionate. He feels reasonably certain that he can get away with speaking candidly with Yoongi. He has done so in the past. He is pretty confident that even _if_ he makes the older boy angry, that he can resolve it by holding hands.

Maybe he should make you and Yoongi hold hands until you two have worked things out.

That will be Plan B. Now he needs Plan A.

When he turns a corner, he is not prepared to almost knock someone down.

“Hyung!” He certainly did not think that he would run into Suga this soon.

Is he psychic? Perhaps thinking about him summons the rapper somehow. It will be pretty neat if he does have superpowers.

Yoongi looks almost as startled to see him. “Hi, Tae. Just get done in the hot springs?”

For a moment, Taehyung wonders if it is actually Yoongi who has the psychic powers. But then he remembers the robe he is wearing. At least his hair is no longer dripping.

“Yep!” He grins. Should he mention you being there? Probably not…

The older one sighs softly with a thoughtful nod. “Are the pools empty now?”

“Should be unless [Name]-ah doubled back,” is out before he can think to filter it. Oops?

Yoongi goes still for a moment. His head is angled so that his face is hiden by his hair. It leaves the younger guy to wait anxiously, although he does not know why.

“[Name] was there?” Yoongi’s voice is barely above a low rumble.

“Well…yeah.” He probably should not admit you were in the _konyoku onsen_ with them. In fact, he needs to change the subject. “I saw her walking back towards her room when I left.”

He does not miss the relief that flashes across his friend’s face. Interesting.

“Oh…” Yoongi is just glad there is no way he will run into you there. He wants to go to the bigger pool that goes outside. He knows that is the mixed bath, so he has been hesitant.

Taehyung watches as Yoongi gets lost in thought, amused when the other’s mouth hangs open just a little bit like it does pretty much any time he spaces out. As much of a Suga-hyung expert as he is, the younger knows he cannot read everything in his friend’s body language.

“Hyung?” He waves his hand in front of Yoongi’s face. “Can I ask you a question?”

Yoongi blinks. “You just did.” He is trying not to smile, though. “I guess you may ask me another one.”

Barely resisting the urge to roll his eyes, he still licks the corner of his mouth. “Do you like [Name]?”

The older boy stiffens, looking up in surprise. That is not what he expected to be asked, although he could not say what he did expect. Just not that.

“What kind of question is that?” His cheeks burning so much they are bound to be pink robs the question of any real irritation.

This is all the answer Taehyung needs. “So you do!”

Suga honest-to-goodness gapes at his dongsaeng. Sometimes he underestimates how observant and intuitive V is under the goofiness. It is usually rather endearing, but right now it is mostly annoying. He does not know what to say, pretty sure denying it now is useless. He has hesitated too long.

Taehyung’s head tilts a little, not unlike the maknae’s. “If you both like each other, why turn her down?”

It is a nicer way to say rejection, although he still sees the tiny wince. That just confuses him even more though. If his hyung regrets his initial response, there is nothing to keep him from changing it. You would probably be ecstatic.

“Lots of reasons,” the older mutters with a pout.

Crossing his arms, Taehyung forgets he is only in a robe. “Like?”

“There is no time to date, Tae,” he sighs. This is going to go the exact same way as with the leader. He _still_ has not gotten past the one line in his head, either.

V just looks confused, like he has no idea what Suga means. It is almost as if the younger has completely forgotten how grueling their schedules are. It has only been a short break, too.

“I don’t understand,” Taehyung says with a little frown.

The other guy looks incredulous. “Really? Aside from this break, our schedules are so full they do not allow for much recreational time. Let alone time for romance.”

He regrets that choice of words immediately, dread growing in his stomach at the sight of the shit-eating grin on his dongsaeng’s face. Ugh. At least with Namjoon, he managed to keep the mushy thoughts to himself. He refuses to talk about the other reasons he is reluctant to enter a relationship, though.

“You see each other every day,” Taehyung points out simply. “There is plenty of time.”

Yoongi just shakes his head, doing the best he can to ignore the logic. It pisses him off that it is so easy for his friends to poke holes in his reasonings. How is he supposed to convince himself it is better this way if he cannot persuade them to see his side?

There is something that he is missing here and it is bothering Taehyung immensely. If time is really the issue, his comment would have resolved it. But Yoongi is still hesitating, which means it is something more personal. Maybe he does not think it is worth struggling to get his thoughts and feelings across. You have been avoiding him rather resolutely.

A soft sigh escapes the younger boy. “[Name] really likes you, hyung,” he comments quietly.

Yoongi cannot stop the skeptical look in time to hide it. Still, he focuses on something easer to face.

“She told you?”

Uh-oh. While you never said not to tell, you probably do not want the things you said to get back to your crush’s ears. He probably should have asked you first, he just did not expect to run into Suga so soon. It has caught him off-guard.

“After Hope asked her.”

His nose wrinkles. “Hobi knows, too?”

Taehyung chews on the back of his lip. Telling the older boy about you joining them in the _konyoku onsen_ seems like a bad idea still. He will have to be careful about what he says.

“And Jimin, and Kookie.”

Yoongi groans, lifting a hand to rub at his face. “So everyone knows? Fantastic.”

He better not have this conversation with all of them, or he will lose his shit.

The younger one is just relieved he does not ask what you all were doing. He is not used to lying to his hyungs. Now would be an awful time to start.

Still, he waits a minute, before repeating himself: “She really, _really_ likes you, hyung.”

Yoongi frowns off to the side at the wall. He heard Taehyung the first time.

“She likes everyone, V.” He shrugs, a part of him wondering why he is trying to deflect this when he already knows you like him since _you told him so_.

“Don’t play dumb.” The younger mood-maker scowls. “She _likes_ you.”

“I noticed, since she confessed as much,” he mumbles. This is treading close to reasons he is not willing to share.

He ignores the fact that of all his dongsaengs, Taehyung is the most likely to get him to open up about it. Well, usually. Not this time, though. He refuses to let any of his friends know his insecurities; Jin guessed.

V looks confused. “So… You two like each other, have plenty of time, and… Nothing?”

“Like I said, there _isn’t_ time to date,” he insists. It bothers him how much he sounds like a broken record.

That excuse is getting on Taehyung’s nerves. Maybe he should give up on this. He cannot force Suga to date you if he is set on refusing. It just seems like a wasted opportunity for the older one to miss out on potential happiness.

He changes tactic. “Do you like spending time with her?”

The look Yoongi gives him is incredulous. “Have you been talking to Joonie?”

That just makes him blink. “No? I haven’t seen RM since dinner. He was working on something.”

At the questioning look, the older waves it off. He must be predictable or something. A heavy sigh escapes him, because he knows that V will not let this go. He has too much he wants to do tonight to spend it holding hands until he is willing to listen.

“Yes, I like spending time with her,” he states, frustrated.

Taehyung raises his eyebrow. “What exactly do you think will change, hyung? You will just be increasing the closeness between you. Isn’t that much better than her avoiding you?”

Genius V strikes again.

Yoongi is left to just stare up at the other guy. That is not something he thought about. He was so focused on not having time for stereotypical things like romantic dates, he basically forgot the main part of dating is not the gifts or dates, it is about spending time with the person you like. Before the confession, the two of you already spent plenty of time in each other’s company. Granted, most of that time was spent in mutual states of exhaustion, but still. You just being close on its own makes him happier. You seem to be pretty content with the time you spent together before.

Is that all it is? The only change is with skinship—

Taehyung watches the epiphany occurring in Suga’s eyes with thinly veiled glee. There is a spark in the older boy’s face that he has not seen for a while. It is a relief that it is back again.

The blush that stains Yoongi’s cheeks confuses him, but he cannot think of what might cause it. All he said is that the two of you will be closer, more intimate… Oh. He has to swallow a snort of amusement.

“Hyung, get your mind out of the gutter.”

With a jolt, Suga glares at him. His face continues to get warm, though, now that he has had his perverted thoughts called out. Still, it is hardly his fault. After all, he is a man, and he is not blind. You are beautiful, sexy even; he just has been trying to ignore any physical attraction to women for so long it feels a little like getting hit by a train.

The laughter in Taehyung’s eyes is a good douse of cold water. The last thing he needs to do is just completely embarrass himself.

Speaking of which… His shoulders slump. “[Name] is not going to listen to me. I don’t even know what to say.” If anything.

“Tell her the truth.” Taehyung shrugs like this is an easy solution.

Yoongi rubs at his neck feeling as tired as he did before the nap. How is he supposed to just open up like that? The mood-maker makes it seem so easy, which it probably is for _him_. Articulating how he feels – especially when on the spot – leaves him tongue-tied and unable to gather his thoughts. This is just another thing he is jealous of V about – well, all of them, really. Even you seem to be better about voicing your thoughts and feelings. After all, _you_ confessed to _him_.

“What is the point?” It feels like depression is threatening to sink in. “I’ll probably fuck it up, say the wrong thing. Again.”

“Just use your lyrics to tell her your feelings, hyung,” Taehyung says like it is the most obvious thing in the world, complete with eye-roll. Then he is beaming at the older boy. “I love you, goodnight!”

Taehyung might not always be great about social cues, but he has a feeling that making a comment about you coming to his room to sleep will not go over well. Surely Suga is not jealous of him? That would be just ridiculous.

For a moment, he has to wonder who you will prefer to snuggle with.

V is gone before Yoongi can even react, practically skipping – okay, _actually_ skipping down the hall. Now, he has always been aware of the younger boy’s genius, but the simplicity of the suggested solution makes him feel stupid for not thinking about it before. It could have saved him a lot of trouble.

The line that has been in his head makes more sense now. As he continues on his way, he cannot help shaking his head with a soft chuckle. Namjoon is going to be rather put out that Taehyung is the one who got through.

Now he just needs to overcome his insecurities, and write out his feelings. It should be fairly simple.

Right?

* * *

The next morning is just as overcast. The snow has only slowed down a little. Instead of waves being blown about, the large, fluffy snowflakes drift down lazily. It is announced at breakfast that, should the snow stop soon, the bands will be leaving as soon as the roads are clear. The managers are worried about the New Year’s concert that is supposed to take place in NYC in two weeks.

No one seems particularly worried, although everyone groans when Hoseok announces that practice will start a couple hours after breakfast. He does not want anyone to forget the routines. The fact everyone can do them in their sleep does not matter; the whining comes from Jin and Yoongi, too.

You are pretty proud of yourself for not flinching this time when the latter speaks.

Under the table, Taehyung pats on your leg, making you jump a little in surprise. He does not even try to hide his amused grin. It just makes you roll your eyes, although you cannot help smiling a little, too. His energy is infectious.

You both miss the grumpy, slightly pouty look on Suga’s face. There are dark circles under his eyes from staying up late working on the words he wants to say. That was not too hard, it is the melody that he is stuck on. It is making him feel really irritable. At least he is self-aware enough to know that taking his temper out on the others will only make him feel worse. Hopefully, he can sneak off again to nap until it is time for practice with Hobi.

Unfortunately, this is not the case. Jin corners him on the way back to his room.

“Hyung, I’m really tired…” He trails off seeing the expression on Jin’s face. “What?”

Jin is looking at him strangely, although his eyes are focused on something far away. The rapper wants nothing more than to escape back to his room and crash.

“Everything okay?” the oldest asks.

Yoongi looks at him strangely. “Yeah, great.”

The skeptical look from Jin is enough to tell him that lying does no good. Still, he really just wants to get away and sleep. He moves to skirt around to go do just that.

“[Name]-ah gave me a message.”

Although quiet, Jin’s statement stops Yoongi in his tracks. Irritation floods him, causing his hands to curl into fist. Why can no one leave his business alone?! He should have known Jin would confront you. Are he and Namjoon tag-teaming this? Since the former is here, does that mean Namjoon is tracking you down now? This is ridiculous! He is a grown man and can handle his own shit.

Nevermind the fact that doing it his way has gone horribly so far. Left up to his own devices, he would have never confronted his feelings like this. He would lose you even faster than he probably currently is.

Assuming it is not too late. Has he already lost you? Anxiety and dread spiral down his chest into his stomach.

“… What is the message?” he forces himself to ask. He does not even know what to brace himself for, but he tenses up in preparation anyway.

Jin is looking at him weird again, before he sighs heavily. “She says she is sorry for burdening you with her feelings, that she shouldn’t have said anything in the first place.”

That… Yoongi frowns, hand unconsciously moving to rub on his chest where it suddenly feels tight. It hurts a lot more than he thought it would, hearing about you trying to retract what you said. The fact you apologized feels a bit like someone kicked him in the chest.

How much of an asshole does someone have to be for the girl who likes him to actually apologize for confessing? He is an awful person.

“It—” He stops, frowning. How does he want to say this? “She didn’t burden me.”

The oldest raises his brows, making Yoongi huff softly. Alright, so technically it is a burden since it was unexpected and unwanted. Still, he has come to appreciate the fact you told him. It is not hard to imagine how difficult it was. _He_ certainly does not think he could just outright tell a girl he likes her.

Obviously. He would not need V to tell him to write a song, otherwise.

“Tell her that, not me.” Jin is starting to feel like throwing the two of you into a closet and locking the door is the best idea so far. He is just not sure how he could coax Suga into the closet in the first place. Maybe if he points out how quiet and dark it is, the other boy will want to take a nap.

Yoongi is not sure he trusts the thoughtful look that his hyung has. It looks like his plotting face, which is rarely a good sign. Still, Jin has a good point. He really does need to talk to you.

Just not yet. He is not ready.

“I’m working on it,” he mumbles, pouting a little.

That certainly is unexpected. Jin does not even bother trying to hide his surprise. Did Namjoon actually get through to Yoongi? When he spoke to the leader last night, he had not seemed to be very hopeful about his success.

“You finally admitted that you like her back?” Jin is not always the most subtle.

The corridor is empty, but Yoongi frantically glances around, before hushing the older boy.

Jin only rolls his eyes. “Relax. [Name] stayed back to talk to Hope.”

The grumpy rapper relaxes slightly. He has no idea what you might want to talk to Hobi about. It is probably related to practice. You only join them for one song, so you only really need to be there for that.

A part of him hopes you come and hang around for all of it, like he has gotten used to you doing. Sometimes you try to copy them, but more often than not, you quietly watch or work on something of your own. You tend to make faces at them regardless, hiding it as soon as Hobi looks at you.

Jin clears his throat. At the expectant look, Yoongi remembers he has been asked a question.

“Yeah, okay? I admit it.” He glares at the wall. “Can I go sleep now?”

The oldest considers keeping him there to question about how he came to finally acknowledge his emotions, but decides not to. Probably, Suga would not even answer anyway.

“Yeah, fine.” Jin sighs. “Someone is going to come make sure you get up for practice.”

The only response he gets in return is a grunt. Yoongi slips past him and begins to shuffle to his room. If he hurries, he can get at least an hour and a half of sleep. That will have to be enough until later.

At least his brain will let him rest now that he has a good portion of the song completed, lyrically. The rest he will work on tonight. Easy-peasy.

Except it feels like he just closed his eyes when the door to his room slides open followed by the loud voices of his insufferable friends. A part of him hopes that if he does not move, they will forget he is there, or at least be too intimidated to bother him.

Which is probably why it is Taehyung who comes over to nudge at him. Judging by the soft whoosh of air, V must have jumped back in anticipation of some sort of outburst.

“C’mon, hyung,” he says, nudging at the prone figure again. “Jin-hyung says he will dump cold water on you if we can’t get you up.”

His response is to roll over and hide his face under the pillow.

Jimin shrugs at the helpless look on his friend’s face, making no move to get any closer. He is not going to try and wake the grandpa.

Jungkook has been wandering the room, snooping. When he finds what is clearly a work in progress, he steps closer to read it. “Hyung, is this about noona?”

That works to distract the other two, who wander over to look at what the maknae found. Yoongi resists the urge to get up and chase them out. He will happily sacrifice his pride for the chance to sleep just a little longer. Besides, everyone already knows the situation even if his side is still mostly a mystery.

At least it was before now.

“Aigoo, hyung, this is amazing,” is Taehyung’s reaction.

Jimin grins a little. “I bet [Name] will love it.”

The form on the floor cannot really suppress the light twitch. If this was a comic, he would have angry tick-marks all over his head. Knowing the charade is up, he opens his eyes to glare at the three. It intensifies when he sees the cheeky grin on Jimin’s face, but the other is not fazed. A sleep-tousled Suga is not a very intimidating one.

Jungkook frowns a little. “Don’t hurt noona again, hyung.”

For a maknae, he sure does boss everyone around like they are all his dongsaengs. Even Taehyung is a little shocked, but mostly because the youngest voiced his own thoughts. He was just planning to say it in private later.

“I don’t plan on it,” is the low, growly response as Yoongi rubs at his face. He will have to force himself awake before they get to whatever room Hobi has chosen. A heavy sigh escapes him.

“Good!” Jungkook smiles. “She cheered up last night in the bath, so it would be awful for her to go back to sad.”

He blinks over at Jimin who has been trying to pantomime that he should stop talking. It is even more confusing when V face-palms with an audible slapping sound.

“Bath?” Yoongi is not sure why his mind is focused on this word, but it must have to do with the sudden burning in his stomach.

Oblivious, Jungkook nods. “Yeah! Have you tried the _konyoku_ bath yet?”

A pained noise escapes V as the youngest continues to dig their graves. Is the boy really that unaware? There is hardly a man on the planet that will not be bothered about a bunch of guys seeing the girl he likes naked, let alone bathing with her. Since it was his idea, he knows that the blame will fall on him. Still, he does not really regret it considering how much you seemed to be rejuvenated.

For some reason, Yoongi is having troubles processing what he is hearing. It _sounds_ a lot like over half of his friends got into the hot spring with you last night. That means they have seen you naked, because his brain helpfully remembers a sign stating no clothes being allowed.

Jealousy rages through him like someone ignited fireworks in his chest.

“Kookie…” Jimin is quiet, trying to psychically convey that his friend needs to shut up.

The taller boy just blinks a little, confused. He has not even realized the situation he is putting them in.

However, just as quickly as the jealous rage came, it ebbs away. It leaves him feeling defeated.

It is no coincidence that Taehyung was wearing that robe last night, or why he was so confident about you not still being there. He knew firsthand because the lot of you were in the bath together.

“You all got in the hot spring together?” His voice is calm.

It makes Jimin and Taehyung nervous.

Jungkook is finally picking up on the hostility, but still does not understand where it is coming from. “Yes?”

Suga does not explode. He does not lash out or throw a fit. Instead, he just nods a little to himself.

He knows he has no right to be upset. You have every right to go to the hot spring of your choice, with or without company. The fact that the entire danceline has seen you naked makes him jealous, but… He rejected you. There is no reason for the rage; you cannot cheat on him if you two are not in a relationship.

He barely resists the urge to ask for details.

The lack of reaction is almost more disturbing. While Taehyung monitors the oldest in the room, Jimin takes it upon himself to explain the _faux pas_ to Jungkook, who blanches with wide eyes.

“I’m up, you all can go now.” Yoongi climbs to his feet slowly, keeping his face down so his expression is hidden by his hair.

Jimin does not need telling twice. He turns and pushes the stunned maknae from the room. However, Taehyung hesitates, although it is just as much because he thinks Suga will just go back to sleep as soon as they are all gone as anything else.

When Yoongi realizes V has not left, he sighs. “Seriously, you can go. I won’t go back to sleep.”

The younger boy still hesitates. He is intuitive enough to know the older one is upset. However, he is not sure how to get him to open up. It is likely that only Namjoon can do that.

Taehyung ends up waiting quietly while Yoongi stretches and grabs his shoes. The rapper uses this time to calm down and lock away his emotions until later. At least dancing will give him an outlet for the adrenaline that jealousy brought with it.

It is when they are walking towards the gym that the younger one speaks up. “She really does like you a lot, hyung. What you’ve written so far is beautiful.”

He means for it to be encouraging. Even though he never put it together himself, looking back V can remember clear signs of your crush on his hyung. Just little quirks, really.

“Thanks,” is the mumbled response, sounding unconvinced.

Taehyung frowns. “I’m serious! Looking back, there is plenty of evidence. She just does not show her emotions well. Not the real ones. She is kinda like you, hyung.”

Yoongi makes a skeptical noise, but stays silent. He knows his dongsaeng is just trying to help. It _should_ be reassuring, since you are closest to V meaning he knows you the best of the guys in BTS. You spend as much time with the mood-maker as you do your own friends. Possibly more, even.

Maybe if you had not seemed quite so enamored with Taehyung, if you did not only appreciate his odd sense of humor, but also encourage his eccentricities so that he has been the most relaxed Yoongi has seen him in a while. Maybe then, it might be different.

As it is, Yoongi has a hard time understanding how you could ever like the real him when you seem so well-suited for his dongsaeng. In fact, you get along so well with all of them, it is difficult to feel special.

Now, the majority of his friends have seen you naked. He forces the thought away angrily because it does not really matter. He is just being stupid.

If he is perfectly honest, this insecurity over you changing your mind about liking him after you get to know him better is the main reason he has been so reluctant to admit to himself that he likes you. It is a major step for him, considering he has been focused on his music career since he was a kid. Unlike his friends back then, he never bothered to date or even really talk to girls unless it was music related, and never really had a serious girlfriend. His inherent shyness also makes it difficult, since it jumbles his thoughts and ties his tongue in knots so that he cannot communicate effectively.

The reason he said “I’m sorry” when you told him that you like him as more than a friend – you had had to clarify because he looked confused – is because he genuinely pities whoever ends up with him. Despite what ARMY says, his core beliefs are much harder to change. He is under no illusions about his appearance; _he_ sees himself as ugly when he looks in the mirror. No, he is not hideous, and plenty of women – and men – around the globe find him almost disturbingly attractive, but he knows better. Of his group in particular, he is by far the least attractive.

On top of this, he is boring, and he owns it. The guys call him “Motionless Min” for a reason. He knows he can sometimes be spontaneous and energetic, but his default is lazy and quiet. From what he has seen – in movies, dramas, and reality – girls do not want someone _boring_.

You deserve better than him. That much is blatantly obvious.

He does not say any of this to Taehyung, just stewing on it as they make their way. Sensing that his hyung wants to be left alone, the other boy from Daegu stays silent.

By hanging back to be the last to enter, Yoongi is able to see how your face lights up as you smile a greeting to Taehyung. Something clenches in his stomach when your gaze slides over to focus on him, because the smile turns sad as it fades away. There is something he does not recognize in your eyes before it is quickly replaced with guilt and regret. You allow yourself to be distracted by something Jimin is saying, both of you ending up in laughter.

It is much cuter how you laugh with your whole body, bending over or falling back, sometimes you even have to grab onto something to stay upright. Almost as if you think your mirth is loud or excessive, you hide your wide smile behind your hand

, still bent over with an arm across your waist as if your stomach hurts from laughing.

Yoongi is unaware of the way his expression has softened, but others notice. He is just relieved to see you laughing again. It is hard to believe that just yesterday, you looked like… Well, you looked like someone ripped your heart out and shredded it in front of you.

He has to wonder if this change in attitude is because of the visit to the hot springs with the danceline last night. That has not occurred to him before. Almost instantly, any remaining jealousy evaporates, because he is just grateful _something_ helped. Yesterday it looked like you were about to fall into the pit of depression. So, whether it was his dongsaengs, or something else, as long as you are happy that is what matters.

It is a relief when Yoongi wanders away over to where Namjoon is. You watch from the corner of your eye as he goes to lean against the wall. Almost immediately, he is sliding so that he can slump back and close his eyes.

In a pair of sweats and an oversized t-shirt, he looks so snuggly it is ridiculous. Like pretty much any time you see him lounging around somewhere, you have to resist the urge to go curl up on him like a cat. However, instead of painful regret over losing even the fantasy of being able to do that, you are slapped by the lyrics that pop into your head.

Hobi has already told you that they will work on their older stuff first as a warm-up, before moving onto the stuff they have not performed thousands of times. At that point, he said he or Jimin will let you know it is time to stretch and get warmed up for _Helix_ , which is the song that has Wanderlost featured in it. During the actual show, your bandmates perform on an elevated background. For some reason, they prefer to play live instead of dance.

The reason is laziness combined with no obligation to do any of the physical performance.

All this means is that you have quite a bit of free time. Considering the short violin solo that has been flawlessly incorporated into the dance, you have your instrument in the room with you. Hoseok has offered to let you use a prop like they do with the fake microphones, but you refused. You are not worried about dropping it. However, practicing without it means getting used to the way the _prop_ feels when you are dancing around. Switching around will just throw you off.

It is convenient to have brought your violin, because when you pull it out, you can also grab the notebook of composition paper. The words in your head need music to go with them, so that is what you will do.

Hobi is about to see why you got your violin out so early, but then you are tugging out the notebook. He blinks a little in surprise, before shrugging. At least if you are distracted with a song you will not be disrupting the practice by making faces at everyone.

Yes, he knows that is what you are doing behind him.

No, he does not actually care. He just pretends to be upset so that you get the hint to stop, which you usually do before he gets to that point anyway.

Practice goes fairly well, after they finally rouse Motionless Min into getting up and participating.

Yoongi does not like dancing nearly as much as the others, although he knows he is decent at it. He will never be like Hope and Jimin, and that is fine with him. As long as he gets the steps and does not mess up, that is good enough. 

It is nice when Taehyung starts to try and make practice fun, especially since you are so preoccupied.

Even though you are keeping to yourself, you are pretty damn distracting. Yoongi is almost positive he has never seen you composing before. If he had, he is pretty sure he would remember. With your violin resting against your shoulder, you pluck quietly at the strings, eyes closed. As he watches, the tip of your tongue pokes out, which makes him smile to himself.

When he sees Jimin has caught him looking, he immediately looks away from you and focuses on the dance. It helps that his part is coming up.

Rapping is always a good time; it leaves him feeling exhilarated so it is easy to get lost in the music.

Involuntarily, his eyes find you almost like they are magnetized to. His heart speeds up for a second.

You are bobbing your head in time to the beat of his voice, a soft little smile on your face.

He is still staring at you in an attempt to capture another mental photograph of you obviously enjoying his music, when you glance up.

When your eyes lock, this time you do not look away. Instead, your lips stretch just a little into a smile. It is nowhere near as bright as the one you gave Taehyung and the others, but that does not matter to him. This is an improvement, having you be able to smile at him. He is relieved you are done ignoring him. It gives him hope that maybe he has not completely fucked up everything with you.

It makes him feel lighter, so it is easy to get into the dances now.

You are not sure what to do, or how to feel, about the looks Yoongi keeps giving you. In fact, you do not really understand why he is looking at all. It is enough to make you feel paranoid. Is there something on your face? It does not feel like it when you try to subtly check. Why else would he be looking over here at you? You are fairly certain he never did before, look at you so much or with such intensity.

The reaction to the tiny smile you managed to muster up also throws you off. It looks like he is eye-smiling for a moment, before he has to move away as part of the choreography.

Taehyung smiles encouragingly at you. He has seen the way Suga keeps looking. To him, this whole thing makes his hyung seem really cute. The two of you will be so adorble it might make them all sick, like after eating way too much sugar.

The pun makes him laugh to himself, earning an odd look from Jimin. He ignores it, because he has set a new goal. He will play matchmaker for the two of you. He is convinced this will reset the balance, so everything will go back to normal. Well, as close as it can when they will all be subjected to the two of you. At least you are practically guaranteed to be happy.

Now V just has to think of a way to get the two of you alone together.

At the first break, Namjoon is the one who wanders up to you. Yoongi is too far away to hear what the two of you are talking about, and he is too stubborn to move closer in order to hear better. Eavesdropping is rude.

It still bothers him, though, so he ends up sitting against the wall, knees up, watching the two of you talk. When Jin offers a bottle of water, he takes it silently.

Namjoon crouches down next to you to show something on his phone. You smile at whatever it is, before pointing at part of it. The leader of the group nods thoughtfully before straightening back up. He is still looking at his phone when he wanders back over.

The urge to ask is really strong, but Yoongi manages to refrain.

It feels a little like the dam he has built up to keep unwanted feelings out of focus is starting to crumble. All these feelings when he looks at – or even just _thinks_ of – you are overwhelming. He feels like he is going crazy, like back when he hit puberty and all the hormones started to rampage. Except now he is a grown man, struggling with emotions and desires he cannot afford to feel. It is all rather overwhelming.

So, he does what he prefers to do when stressed:

He stretches out on the floor and closes his eyes, hands folded to rest on his stomach.

“Did you tell her to start getting warmed up?” comes from J-Hope somewhere nearby.

Yoongi goes still, before mentally cursing and forcing himself to relax.

“Hm? Oh, no, sorry. I had a question about the translation she asked me to help her with,” Namjoon says.

Why would you ask Namjoon for help? Aside from the fact he is easily the most fluent in English, and the whole being a genius thing. Fine. You asking for his help makes sense, Yoongi has to grudgingly admit to himself. It does nothing for the curiosity.

“Which song?” This comes from the nosy maknae.

“ _Rock the Boat_ ,” Namjoon says, sounding amused.

That is not one of the songs they know. You have never performed it in any of the concerts so far. Maybe that is because of the song being in English. Actually, that does not make a whole lot of sense either, since all the countries you have visited so far have that taught as a main second language. Maybe it is not one of your popular songs.

“Oh…” Taehyung sounds like there is some underlying message. “That is a sad song, hyung.”

“Yeah, which makes it hard to translate, since I don’t want to lose the emotional impact.”

If he was not pretending to be asleep, Yoongi would pull his phone out. His English is better than he lets on, so he should be able to understand the lyrics. Maybe he can help with the translation. He is pretty damn good with words when it comes to rapping, if he does say so himself.

Meanwhile, Jungkook has come over to you and given you a little nudge. “Hyung says it is time to stretch out.”

You blink dazedly up at him, struggling to pull your head out of the song consuming your thoughts. When it registers at last, you smile a little.

“Okay, thanks for letting me know, Kookie.”

Jungkook can feel his face getting hot. The nickname reminds him of the time you said it last night, which reminds him of being in the _onsen_ , which reminds him of you walking towards them with that little towel over your shoulder, which leads to him almost knocking you over and having to catch you—

He forces himself to think of bugs. Not the cool kind like stag beetles, but something gross. Like cockroaches! It is a good distraction from remembering you naked in his arms, pressing against him—

Cockroaches and maggots! He has to suppress a shudder.

“No problem, noona,” he mumbles, unable to look at you now.

You watch the younger boy enter Shook Mode over something he is thinking about. When his face starts to turn red, you have a pretty good idea what thoughts are distracting him. While a part of you feels almost smug, you are mostly embarrassed. You can only blame the post-workout high for the way you acted last night. You regret them all seeing you naked, but you have yet to invent a time machine to go back and change it. You will just have to get used to it.

You are mostly just relieved Yoongi was not there, although if he had been you are not sure you would have done differently. As much as it stings that he does not seem to find you attractive, it also means you no longer have to worry about how much skin you show around him. To be honest, you do not think he would even notice if you performed the choreography for _Psycho_ naked right in front of him.

Not that you will! _Ever_! Just the thought has your face turning bright red much to Jungkook’s confusion. Until he realizes that you are probably also thinking about last night.

The two of you end up frozen, blushing like a pair of idiots.

Unaware of why you two are so red, J-Hope wanders over. “We’re gonna work on _Black Swan_ and then it will be time for _Helix_.”

“Okay.”

You stand up as the older of the two drags the youngest away, reaching up over your head as you arch your back. You really wish you can just work on the song instead of dancing, but know better than to whine about it. These guys have to do a lot more than you and do so without complaint.

Gently setting your violin down in the case, you move away to further stretch out. So far you have kept your instrument in good condition, mostly out of necessity, so it would be tragic to damage it now. Knowing how you tend towards clumsy, it is better to be safe.

Taehyung is beginning to regret blackmailing you to go to the _onsen_ last night. Maybe if there was a little more time between seeing you naked and now watching you stretch out, things would be less awkward.

Hobi catches all three other members of the dance-line staring over at where you are warming up. Considering the pink faces and lack of smothered giggles, it is safe to assume that at least right now you are not making funny faces behind his back.

Rolling his eyes, Hoseok descends on his friends with a loud “Yah!”

The noise coming from the guys makes you smile to yourself. Even though minutes ago all you wanted to do is sit and write, the sounds of J-Hope getting after them combined with the music is getting your adrenaline pumping. Dancing is fun, you are just aware that the guys are much better. Besides, the fans want to see them dance, not you.

Bending over, you grab your headphones and pull them over your ears. The noise cancellation makes it a little disorienting for a second, but you are used to it by now so you close your eyes until it passes. Then you search for the warm-up song you want and tap to start it.

It is Jungkook that notices first, but only because he has to go over towards you as part of the dance. The proximity is why he hears you sing the little aria that opens the song. He blinks in recognition, but is already moving away before he has time to really process it. Still, he glances over at you to see you singing and dancing to the song you are listening to.

The motion is what draws Yoongi’s attention. At least, that is what he chooses to believe in order to avoid acknowledging just how often his gaze keeps finding you. All of these feelings are happening too fast, it is starting to overwhelm him. Still, he is not going to backtrack and seal away his heart again.

That sounds really cheesy.

So, it is definitely the way you are moving around that distracts him. He can see your lips moving, but is too far away to hear. The dance is familiar though. He cannot stop the smile when he realizes you are warming up to Red Velvet’s new song _Psycho_. It is obviously not the first time, because you fluidly move through the dance with no hesitations.

When he ends up closer to you, he can hear you singing along as well. It is pretty impressive the level of breath control you have. It seems that dancing around on stage while playing the violin during your own concerts is great for endurance. Those dances are not choreographed at all, either. You just let the music take over and flow through your whole body.

As he watches you follow the steps of Red Velvet’s dance, Yoongi decides he prefers your original dances more.

He also is a little unsure of when exactly a girl in a t-shirt and college sweatpants became so sexy to him. Maybe it is the way the material clings in some places and drapes in others. Or, maybe it is because you look so comfortable. He wonders what it would be like to hold your hand and—

“Suga-hyung!”

He blinks, finding himself just standing in place. Apparently he cannot allow daydreams about you anymore.

Closing his mouth with a click, he rubs at his ear to try and hide the blush. “Ah, sorry.”

Hobi looks more amused than annoyed. “Try to focus.”

“Yeah, hyung,” Jimin says with a grin. “I can’t _imagine_ why you might be distracted.”

While the others try to hide their chuckles, Yoongi looks unamused. However, he can feel heat working up his neck to his ears and face. Oh, well, at least you cannot hear the teasing. He can still see you dancing in the corner of his eye.

His eyes widen slightly when you start to do body rolls, your shirt clinging to your flat stomach as you lean back slightly while pushing your hips forward. Jerking his gaze to Hobi, he does his best not to look at you again.

To make sure Yoongi has it down, they have to go through the dance all over again. Fortunately, you decide to mimic them this time, grinning when any of them catches your eye. This is somehow less distracting, so they finish up rather quickly.

You are readjusting your hair, putting it up again in a more secure ponytail. For concerts, you leave it down or have it up in a large clip. You just hate practicing with it loose because it gets in the way. At least during the show, if it falls out of the clip it will only be in the way for a song or two.

 _Maybe I should dye my hair_ , you think absently as you start across the floor.

The location chosen must usually be an aerobics room, judging by the various equipment lining the walls. The acoustics are not great, but the floor is not slippery and it is not made of concrete, instead it is wood. It is a little easier on the joints during impact.

However, there is not a lot of ventilation. With all the hot bodies moving around, the room is already feeling humid. Hopefully this does not take too long; otherwise you will be at risk of overheating.

Unless you are brave enough to take off your shirt. The athletic bra underneath is not much different than a tank crop-top, so at least it is not too scandalous.

With Yoongi here, you are not feeling very confident – although you keep telling yourself it does not matter – so you will just have to do your best and try to get through this fully covered. No matter how hot you get, the shirt has to stay on.

At least the dance is complicated enough to keep your focus on the footwork instead of staring at Yoongi. You are still aware of where he is at all times, but you are moving too much to get distracted by him. Besides, for dances, your eyes are usually stuck on Jimin or Hobi anyway. Although Jungkook and Taehyung are distracting in their own way… _Focus!_

Everything is going smoothly until the chorus.

The choreography for this part is difficult, which means practicing it over and over until it becomes like muscle memory. As one of the newest, it is the one that gets the most accidental slip-ups. J-Hope is determined to iron those kinks out right here, right now.

By the second time around, you are ready to strip. As comfortable as it is, the t-shirt has enough extra material that it traps heat in like a tent. At least your sweatpants have elastic at the ankles so they stay above your knee when you push them up there.

 _Less clothes next time_. You have no idea how the guys dance in costume, sometimes with layers.

So, when Hobi calls for a third go, everyone groans.

“Give us a break, hyung,” Jimin whines.

“Fine,” is the grudging response. “You’ve got five minutes.”

“How generous,” Suga mutters under his breath.

You press your lips together to trap the laughter inside, although a small sound still escapes you.

It makes Yoongi grin. Yeah, he missed your laughing at his comments that the others either do not hear or ignore completely. The warmth he feels has nothing to do with exercise. He does not even realize he is smiling until he spots the amused look on Namjoon’s face. He aims the leader a glare as he reaches up to rub absently on the back of his neck.

At least Namjoon reminds him that he wants to look up the song you asked the tallest boy to translate with you. He cannot remember the name, though. Something to do with boats? He opens his mouth to ask V, but decides not to. Mostly because he knows his dongsaeng will tease him, but also because it takes about thirty seconds to Google it for himself.

 _Rock the Boat_ is surprisingly popular, for having not been translated before – except by fans for lyric videos. Although he is tempted to watch one of these, he decides to read the original first. Who knows how much got lost in translation? Not that he doubts the fans; after all, ARMY translates their songs almost as soon as they are released. It just feels important to read the words as you wrote them. Perhaps the care with which Namjoon is helping you is to blame for this outlook. That, and Taehyung mentioning how sad the song is.

A strangled noise from the maknae makes him glance up briefly, but seeing nothing obvious, he looks back at his phone.

He is barely to the pre-chorus when something constricts in his chest, stomach twisting. This song is not what he was expecting _at all_. It makes sense why this would touch so many people now. The raw emotion in just the words ignites a protective rage. As he reads through the glimpse at the abuse and neglect you suffered as a child, his hand tightens around his phone, the other curling into a ball at his side. Despite his nails digging into his palm, he keeps the white-knuckled fist even as he tries to relax the hold on his phone before he breaks it. He cannot loosen his grip too much or he will fling it at the wall.

The bridge wrenches something in him, leaving him to rub subconsciously over his heart.

The lyrics are basically a plea to someone – your mother, although she does not deserve to be called that – to explain what you did wrong to deserve this. Yoongi does not have to hear you singing it to imagine your voice breaking as you plead for answers. You end it hoping to someday give closure to the 4-year-old abandoned at the amusement park.

Holy fucking shit.

He rereads it again, just to be sure. Then he looks for a fan translation just in case—

It is not a mistake; he has not mistranslated it. You were left for someone else to take care of by your own parent. The rapper can barely wrap his mind around the idea, so shocked he is not even aware that his eyes are burning.

His brain helpfully connects the obvious abandonment issues to the seemingly extreme reaction to his rejection. It is just another instance of someone rebuffing your attachment to them. It makes him nauseous that he can compare himself to the monster that gave birth to you.

It has been a long time since he felt this much self-loathing. Does he even have the right to apologize? It does not feel like it. In fact, Yoongi is not even sure he deserves a chance to try and communicate his feelings for you. What if you do not believe him? What if you think he is just pitying you? What if—?!

“Yoongi-ah?”

Several things happen at once.

Your voice, as hesitant and quiet as it is, startles him. He has not heard you approach.

He looks up at you to see you tentatively holding a bottle of water out to him. Yoongi can feel himself soften, palm stinging as the fist finally relaxes.

It is a he reaches to take it that he notices.

You have no shirt on.

With your sweats low on your hips and your breasts practically highlighted by the bra – top! – you have on, that noise Jungkook made a bit ago makes sense now. It seems like it takes longer than physically possible as his eyes trace over you. Yoongi feels a bit like he might choke on air as he finally manages to pull his eyes to your face.

Any budding arousal disappears at the insecure, resigned look in your eyes even as you blush an almost flattering shade of pink. He can feel himself turning red, too.

“Suga-hyung, stop ogling the princess!” Taehyung calls out in mock exasperation.

Both of you jump. You are more than a little confused by the way the rapper’s face gets even darker. Considering the flames that should be coming off of yours, you are in no position to ask.

Taehyung beams happily at the two of you when you simultaneously glare at him.

“I’m not a princess!”

“I wasn’t ogling!” Shit, he should have worded that better.

At the tiny wince, Yoongi feels like an asshole. How should he reassure you that he _was_ ogling, but not in a creepy way? Despite trying to hide it, you look crestfallen.

You do not give him the chance. Careful not to touch him directly, you press the plastic bottle against his chest. Once his hand moves towards it, you let go and back away.

“You looked thirsty,” you mumble, unable to meet his eyes.

As soon as you turn to walk away, he groans silently and smacks the plastic to his head with a thump. It is not hard enough to bruise, although he almost wishes it would. Maybe if he has a concussion he can blame that for how badly he keeps wording things. This would be so much easier if he could express his feelings with ease like Taehyung. He would even settle for half as much confidence.

What would Taehyung do right now? Not let you walk off upset like this, that is for sure.

 _Again_ , his brain helpfully points out. He ignores it and the second-guessing doubts that make him want to hesitate.

His fingers slide around your wrist, grip gentle but firm. “Wait.”

You stop. As far as you know, this is the first time he has instigated touch on purpose. You take a deep breath as hope floods you despite your brain pointing out how useless it is. This does not mean anything.

With a sigh, you peer over your shoulder at him. Nothing he can say will hurt more than what he has already said. Right?

Yoongi hesitates at the carefully guarded expression on your face. Without thinking about it, his nose scrunches up a little. “Just wanted to say thanks.”

That… You are not sure how to feel. Obviously, the likelihood that he was suddenly going to confess that he has secretly had feelings for you this whole time is laughable. Your hopes getting dashed is not unusual for you, but this time feels worse. It probably has to do with how pathetic and futile you know being hopeful is. _Life is_ not _a K-drama_ , you remind yourself.

Still. At least he touched _and_ spoke to you. Hopefully this means you have not completely scared him off. In a few weeks, you will be able to convince others that you are over him. That is the only way to keep things the way they are. It is not too hard of a sacrifice. Rejecting and ignoring your own feelings is second nature at this point. At least you do not need anyone to tell you what or how to feel anymore.

“You’re welcome,” you respond with a shy smile complete with faint blush.

How did he ignore how adorable you are for so long?

“Aish, are you done flirting yet?” J-Hope wonders with a mock scowl. “The break is over.”

Yoongi stops himself from dropping your arm like it burns him. He is sure you would interpret it the wrong way. Instead, he gently releases you and moves back to where he starts off at the beginning of the song.

“Not flirting,” is your sullen defense.

Flirting implies you like him, which is true. You just are not desperate enough to believe he will ever flirt with you. He has made it abundantly clear he is not interested.

Focusing on finding your mark, you miss the way he looks at you in confusion.

Still, he touched you even a little. That makes everything that has been going on a little better, as pathetic as it sounds.

Dancing for _Helix_ goes a lot smoother after this. It is so much easier to move around without clingy, hot material stuck to your skin. Still, it is a lot of fun to sing and perform. When you get through the whole dance twice with no mistake, Hoseok finally calls for another break.

You are sweaty and panting softly, but smiling. As grueling as it is, dancing with BTS is still a blast. You totally understand the willing dedication the idols must have to perfect so many dances and commit them to memory.

You are still glad you are not a K-pop idol, though. You prefer dancing your own way.

Once by your stuff, you snatch up the discarded t-shirt to use as a towel to wipe off all the sweat. A bath later is a necessity. Until then, you will make-do with what you have.

“Are you going to stay and watch, noona?” Jungkook has wandered after you like a puppy without meaning to.

You look a little surprised. “Do you want me to?”

The maknae’s eyes widen as he tenses up. “Uh – I mean – That is—”

“Aigoo, Kookie, calm down,” you laugh. You are aware enough not to try and pat on him like you really want to. He might spontaneously combust, or faint. “I’m not going to stay. You all will just be distracted.”

Except Suga, but you know better than to mention it.

The maknae pouts a little, although he is also secretly relieved. He is not sure just how much longer he can handle seeing so much of your skin. Is it possible to overdose on this? There is no possibility that his hyung cursed him because he saw you naked, right? Magic is not real.

Maybe he should double-check with Jimin.

You blink a little as Jungkook goes from pouting into shook over his own thoughts. Judging on the amount of white around his eyes you can see, whatever his thoughts are must be pretty stimulating.

“Yah!” You prod at his stomach. “Stop thinking about me naked!”

“Noona!” he practically squeaks, before turning and hurrying off to hide behind Jimin as best he can when he is the taller of the two.

Rolling your eyes, you pull your shirt on trying to ignore the dampness from before. It is still unpleasantly warm, too, but you are not too keen on walking the resort practically topless. Gratuitous nudity is strictly for the baths. Decent again, you snatch up your violin case and, with a wave over your shoulder, you wander out of the room.

Yoongi watches you go with regret weighing heavily on him. He can tell you took what he said the wrong way. It just caught him off-guard so he panicked, going straight for denial of whatever the accusation is. It is just like when he panicked over your confession. Why does he keep fucking up like this? He is only feeling more and more like a bumbling idiot.

Actually, at this point he feels like he should just leave you alone. If he tries to tell you his feelings, you will probably misunderstand him again. Not that this is _your_ fault; he is just that awkward at communicating. If he was closer to the wall, he would be banging his head against it. That will either knock some sense into him, or knock him out. Either works for him.

For the rest of practice, he does his best to keep his focus where it is supposed to be. Unfortunately, his unhelpful brain seems to be stuck on you. If he is not suddenly recalling the image of you sweaty with only that bra for a top, then he is wondering about the song you were working on before _Helix_. That drags his thoughts to the distressing lyrics in _Rock the Boat_. He is a little guilty about not paying attention to the English songs that Wanderlost performs. It reminds him of how one-sided everything has been since you are so supportive of what he has worked on.

By the time they are finally up to J-Hope’s standards, he wants nothing more than to nap. However, he has a feeling that will not be happening. Not when there are so many of your songs in English he needs to read. On top of that, the nagging internal pressure to work on the rap he has hit a wall with is starting to build.

A heavy sigh escapes him.

“Gwenchana?”

Yoongi glances up to see Namjoon eyeing him in concern. He waves it off. “I’m fine.”

The leader looks skeptical but decides not to push. To be honest, he is too worn out from practice. Maybe he will try again later.

“Are you going to an _onsen_ today?” he wonders, changing the subject. “The others are talking about it.”

He is grateful for the topic change, enough so his gratitude is visible. “Uh, no. Well, maybe, but if I go it will be tonight.”

Namjoon shrugs a little. “I’ll let them know.”

Yoongi wants to ask about the song so bad. He wonders how much Taehyung might know about your past. With a shake of his head, he tries to focus. Asking V will just lead to being teased even more than they already do about you.

“Joonie.” He tries not to panic, because he did not mean to say it out loud.

The tallest of them all turns to look at his hyung. “Yes?”

How should he say this?

“Are there more Wanderlost songs like _Rock the Boat_?” His voice is surprisingly calm and steady. Maybe a little too calm.

Now, while you have not sworn him to secrecy, Namjoon still feels hesitant. Even without words he can tell that you do not really want Yoongi to know the lyrics. He does not really understand why. As personal and painful as the song is, it still provides good reference as to how exactly you turned out the way you have.

“What do you mean?” At least the confusion is real. For all he knows, Suga just likes the beat.

The older boy huffs softly. “The lyrics. They… talk about her childhood.”

Namjoon is not sure what to do. “Uh, there are a couple along those lines. I think one of them has to do with an ex-boyfriend.”

That gives him some pause. For whatever reason, he has never really considered your past dating history. It is a little ridiculous, considering that you are older than him. The age difference has never bothered him, still does not actually. Your life experience just makes you all the more interesting. You seem to share his penchant for random knowledge, and a lot of the stuff you share is new to him.

However… While his age is a little past average for it, Yoongi’s lack of romantic ventures is really not all that abnormal in South Korea. He is under no illusions about the vast differences in the States.

“Hyung!”

The snap in front of his face startles him as much as the voice. He glares. “What the fuck was that for?”

Namjoon rolls his eyes. “You spaced out looking like someone kicked you out on stage naked.”

 _That_ sounds horrifying. However, he prefers to think about that rather than how pathetic you will think he is for being twenty-six and never even having a first kiss.

“What are you second-guessing yourself over now?”

Sometimes spending so much time with people to the point they know how to read him so easily is really inconvenient.

“It’s really stupid,” is his petulant response complete with pout.

By this point, the others have disappeared to go do whatever has been decided while Yoongi has another identity crisis. He is grateful because he does not want the others to hear. Granted, they probably already know, because they are all in the same boat. Still, he does not trust them to keep it a secret from you or your bandmates.

“Stupid is fine,” the leader says. “Just spill it before it starts to fester.”

Nose scrunching, Yoongi curses at the way his face feels hot. “[Name] has more dating experience.”

This is not where Namjoon thought this was going. Not that he really can predict things like what upsets Yoongi, but still! He can feel his ears getting hot. It is not like he has any right to give advice on this. He does not have any either, after all. There just is not enough time to meet and date girls that are not in the industry. Then, there are the sasaengs who will attack any females any of the male idols even interact with. For the most part, they have left you alone, but that is bound to end when you and Yoongi get together.

If he ever bites the bullet and talks to you.

“I doubt that matters to her, hyung,” he admits. “It is hardly a secret that none of us have had any sort of love life.”

A heavy sigh escapes the shorter man. He had not actually considered that, either. With how so much of their lives are publicized, it is quite likely that ARMY and any sasaengs are aware that their idols are inexperienced. If it was someone else, Yoongi would not care, but it is you. He hopes you will keep any teasing to a minimum.

“Okay.” At least the budding anxiety has been nipped. Now he feels stupid for worrying about it.

You obviously like him as is, so this should not change anything. He is just feeling inadequate for no good reason.

Namjoon watches him for a moment, before nodding once to himself. “I believe _Rock the Boat_ and the one about her ex are the two darkest songs. I have not read them all.”

The leader is almost embarrassed. Wanderlost is touring with them and he is not familiar with anything that you all have not performed in concert. Maybe if he does, it will help him figure out the perfect words to use.

“What’s the name of that one?” He pretends to ignore the weird look he gets.

“ _Narcissus_ , I think.” Namjoon hesitates. Even if you do not want Yoongi involved, there is nothing he can do now that his hyung’s interest is ignited. “Have you listened to _Rock the Boat_?”

“Not yet.” Suga is unable to meet the taller boys’ eyes.

To be honest, Yoongi is more than a little nervous. If just the words have such an impact on him, he is afraid to find out how your voice will amplify the feelings.

Namjoon does not comment. He can imagine the reason for the reluctance. At first, even reading it in English got to him. He took frequent breaks to look at cute things. Still, he has sort of numbed himself to it as he figured out how to focus in a professional way. Now that Yoongi has reminded him, though, it makes him reluctant to work on it. At least reading all of your other songs gives him something to procrastinate with.

Which reminds him.

“Did you make any progress with that line from yesterday?”

Yoongi wishes Namjoon had a worse memory. “Kind of.”

When he does not offer anything, the taller blond looks amused. “That’s it? ‘Kind of’?”

Yoongi makes a disgruntled noise. “V suggested I use music to share my feelings with [Name]. I’ve hit a wall.”

Refusing to look up, he misses the smug look.

“So I was right, it _is_ about her.”

If he was taller, Suga would wipe that smug grin off the other’s face. “Yeah, yeah. Aish.”

Yoongi turns to leave, planning to grab his stuff on the way out. Namjoon is quiet, fortunately, so he is free to get lost in thoughts. Sometimes that can lead to inspiration. Hopefully it does today.

He is aware that he does not have unlimited time to get this ready to present to you. The longer he takes, the likelihood he will give up increases.

The likelihood that you will move on goes up, too.

“If anyone needs me, I’ll be in my room,” is as much a warning not to disturb him as it is his trying to give his plans and subsequent location.

“Good luck,” RM teases.

Suga flips his tall friend off as he walks away, but he cannot help smiling. He is going to need all the help he can get

It is Emily walking into the room you share that drags you from the music fugue. She stops when she sees you and the mess you have made.

The futon you are sitting on is covered in loose sheet music. Your violin is resting on your chest so that you can pluck the strings, bow across your pillows. Based on the hunched over posture and glassy, slightly bloodshot eyes, Emily predicts you have been at this for a few hours.

 **“** What is all this? **”** It is a dumb question, but she is still surprised.

It has been a while since you wrote any new songs. When she thinks on it, she is fairly sure you have not written since before coming to Seoul. That is a little surprising, considering how you and Bonwha will crank them out in a flurry of composition paper. Although, now that she thinks about it, you have probably been too worn out to be inspired. Since meeting BTS, Wanderlost has taken off like crazy. As Americans, you all were not used to the fast-pace, physically strenuous schedule of idols. Emily barely feels grounded even with constant communication with her girlfriend, and more downtime. She cannot imagine how you must feel with dance practice on top of everything.

Not to mention, as the face of the band, you are the most often seen with the guys. This puts you on the crosshairs of every jealous fan with access to Google. You have left your Twitter and Instagram public, much to your friends’ dismay. No matter how much they tell you to not take the negative comments to heart, they know each one hurts you.

Fortunately, they all know your password, so it is easy to go on and block all the hateful cretins. The less time you spend in the limelight with the K-pop idols, the better. That way you will not be giving the anti-fans anything to work with.

Emily absently wonders if you realize the sort of backlash you would have gotten if Yoongi had not shot you down.

Probably.

 **“** A song, **”** you croak, voice hoarse from singing to yourself over and over for hours.

The guitarist rolls her eyes. **“** Obviously, [Nickname]. **”**

The smile you give her is weak, although it looks more like exhaustion than the sad ones she has been seeing so much lately. Apparently running in the gym has worked wonders on your mood.

Not that she is complaining.

Making her way over, she reaches for one of the loose pages. When you do not try to stop her, she straightens back up and gives it a read.

You do not notice when you suck your lower lip in to gently bite on it, too focused on catching her reaction. Although not all of your songs make it to being actually played, the vast majority have. To be honest, you still do not think you are very good at composing _or_ writing, so it is a relief that others seem to enjoy it for whatever reason.

Emily sees you anxiously watching her and hides a smile. **“** Chill, [Name]. It’s really cute. I think it is very sweet. **”**

Pleased, you smile almost shyly at her. **“** Thanks, Em. **”**

 **“** I mean, it’s obviously about Suga, **”** she adds, reading it again.

You tense up so fast there would be an audible twang if that was possible. **“** What? No, it’s not! **”**

That is not even remotely convincing even to you. The amused grin on her face makes you look away with a pout.

 **“** [Nickname], I don’t know of anyone else who has ever wanted to be reincarnated as a rock in their next life, **”** she says with a tinkling laugh.

That is a good point. Your shoulders slump suddenly. Well, at least now you do not have to think about turning this into a finished piece. There is no way in this dimension that you will now put this on an album. At most, you will sing it to yourself. Or, maybe in ten years, you will release this as a single. Like as a joke, sort of all “Haha! Look at how stupid I was! So funny now” or something. That way there will be no chance of backlash from the fans.

Emily watches you in alarm as you sort of collapse into yourself with a crestfallen expression. Shit! She did not mean to make you feel bad. What did she even say wrong?!

You are not so lost in mental shadows that you miss the sudden panic on her face. It makes you feel a little better that she cares. Even though you will never have Yoongi, at least you have the family that you have made for yourself.

 **“** Don’t worry, Em, **”** you say, waving a hand like you can erase the last couple of minutes. **“** I didn’t think it would be that obvious, stupid me. There is no reason to finish it since we won’t be using it. **”**

Tossing a couple dreadlocks over her shoulder, Emily scowls. **“** If you wanted to finish this, I’m pretty sure the guys would be down, too. **”** Her expression softens slightly. **“** You could think of it as a late birthday gift. **”**

That gets a snort out of you, but you cannot deny that you would actually like this to happen very much. A tiny part of you thinks it might help you give yourself closure. Or, at least, you can just pour out everything you have into the recording. That way it will be like having the Yoongi-centric feelings drained from you. Then you can bury the file somewhere until that decade has passed.

 **“** Fine, as long as the guys don’t mind, **”** you agree.

Now you have even more to look forward to after tour is finally over.

There is a comfortable moment of silence as you glance over everything you have compiled in front of you. Emily is responding to a text when she remembers.

 **“** Oh! I came in here to ask if you wanted to go get dinner with me. **”**

You blink dumbly. **“** It’s dinner time already? **”**

Emily raises her brows. **“** [Name], it’s almost nine _._ **”**

That is startling. When you came to the room after practice, it was only a few hours after lunch, around three. How did you lose six hours? The amount of paper more than explains that. You are not sure why you are so shocked. When the urge takes over, you have been known to go a day without food if no one interrupts you to remind you that eating is a thing.

 **“** Sure, **”** you say. **“** Are they even still serving? **”**

Emily rolls her eyes, before wincing at how stiff you look as you slowly unfold and stand up. **“** They don’t close the kitchens until around eleven, I think. **”**

 **“** Oh, okay. **”** You stretch, leaning backwards until there are several loud pops along your spine.

 **“** Awesome! Let’s go! **”**

You follow the other girl from the room and make your way to the restaurant portion of the resort. The aromas of authentic Japanese food has your mouth watering and your stomach growling in anticipation. If Emily hears it, she does not comment.

It is a pleasant surprise to find Matt and Bonwha already seated. You glance at the guitarist suspiciously. This had better not be some sort of intervention.

 **“** Long time no see, **”** Matt teases.

You look at him oddly. **“** I saw you at breakfast. **”**

 **“** I think he is referring to your mood, **”** Bonwha says with a small grin. **“** For a while there, you might have been physically present, but your mind was millions of miles away. **”**

 **“** Sorry… **”** You do feel bad. They have to pick up the slack whenever something goes wrong like that.

At least these episodes have gotten less frequent over the last couple of years.

 **“** It’s fine, [Nickname]. **”** This is not the first time Bonwha has had to reassure you; it will not be the last either.

That done, talk turns to other topics. The biggest is teasing Emily about when she is going to finally propose. She has had the ring for over a year now. The best part is she has no idea that Willow, her girlfriend of five years, has also purchased a ring to propose to Emily. The three of you have a bet going on who will propose first. Bonwha and Matt think Emily will, but your bet is on Willow. The guys are underestimating how nervous Emily can get about any type of public speaking. There is a reason she mostly stays quiet during live interviews.

Willow might be a bit neurotic about details, but she does not have any problem with potentially embarrassing herself in a grand, public way.

Eventually, the guitarist grows tired of the teasing. Maybe it is a little mean, certainly rather deceptive, but still. The best way to distract her friends is to change the topic. Unfortunately, the only person she has anything on is you.

So, when she pulls a carefully folded paper from her pocket, you do not think anything of it.

Up until she opens it and you can see your handwriting, that is.

“Yah!” You slip back into Korean. **“** That’s mine! **”**

Emily smiles sweetly. **“** I know. I think we should share your genius with the guys. Besides, what better time is there to see if they’re onboard? **”**

You look incredulous. **“** How about when it is _finished_? **”**

That is a fair point, but it is too late now as Bonwha snatches the page with an exasperated roll of his eyes. Matt sips at his beer looking amused.

 _Note to self, ask about sake in the onsen_ _later._

Blowing a raspberry in frustration, you just pick up a piece of tempura with your chopsticks. It is not that you do not want the guys to see, you just do not like sharing unfinished pieces if you can avoid it. At least it looks like only the lyrics are on that paper.

Matt ends up leaning over to read it while Bonwha does. You can see the moment he reaches the line that practically says who the song is about, because he chuckles softly. Bonwha also looks amused when he reads that. Still, he regards you seriously over the frames of his glasses.

 **“** You actually want to produce this? **”** He sounds skeptical. **“** You realize everyone will know who it is about, right? ARMY will know, the sasaengs, the anti-fans. **”**

 **“** Yoongi, **”** Matt adds quietly.

Bonwha nods his head in acknowledgement. **“** Right, and the rest of Bangtan. **”**

You sigh. **“** The rest of BTS already knows. **”**

All three of them gape at you. At most, they figured that RM and Jin did, based on how they looked at you during lunch yesterday. It was obvious that Suga had told them.

 **“** What? **”** Emily is shocked.

Bonwha is curious, too, but mostly he is impressed, almost proud. **“** When? **”**

 _Shitfuck_. Your friends have no idea about the _konyoku onsen_ last night. You are never going to live this down.

 **“** Taehyung invited me to join the dance-line at the _…_ _konyoku onsen…_ **”** you trail off into a barely audible mumble. Hopefully they will not hear you.

 **“** You – _what_?! **”** Emily is aware that she sounds like a skipping record. It is just so out of the ordinary for you.

 **“** Y’know, most girls dye their hair when they get heartbroken, **”** Matt states, looking thoughtful. **“** Not many get in a natural hot tub naked with four equally naked dudes. **”**

Your face is so hot that you feel a little lightheaded from the blood-rush. **“** I just wanted to crash in his room, but Tae said I had to come with them. **”**

It is weird that last night, today, their nudity did not bother you. Now that you are talking to your friends about the event, it is all you can do not to be rendered mute by the memories helpfully supplied by your brain. Just in case you forgot any details.

 **“** Weird, **”** Bonwha mutters in a way that implies he is talking about V in general. He is not wrong. **“** It seems to have cheered you up, though, so I suppose his unusual method is a success. **”**

 **“** That, or running from zombies for 3 miles, **”** you offer with a shrug.

It does not really matter, although knowing what helps will be useful if you ever get into an emotional rut again. Still, you do not anticipate that happening anytime soon. There is more of a chance that Yoongi will kiss you, then you admitting your feels to the person. No, you are not confident enough to confess first anymore. Yoongi is the one and only time you will risk the rejection. It still makes your chest ache that it happened at all.

 **“** So… How did Jungkook handle it? **”** Matt is smirking now.

The other two look amused. It is no secret – except to you – that the maknae has a puppy love crush on you. It is all the more entertaining to Emily because she knows from before you all met the guys that you do not match his ideal type. She still remembers how you used to make Willow sit with you while you went over the members of all the K-pop bands you liked. It would have been laughable if someone told you two that you would be touring with an internationally famous group a couple years later.

You all have come a long way since then.

The smile you have is sheepish, but your eyes are dancing with amusement. **“** Well, he froze up at first, stared at the ceiling intensely, but he relaxed once we got in the water. **”**

It has occurred to you that perhaps the three older men had kept your invitation to join them a secret. You can easily see them roping the youngest into a selca without telling him who or what it is for. However, it is not like you have any proof.

Your friends look a little disappointed. **“** Really? **”**

 **“** Well, yeah, until he almost fell on me. **”** You shrug.

At the looks, you huff softly. To be honest, though, you really do not mind sharing this information with them. They know a lot more gruesome skeletons than this.

 **“** Stop making us drag it out of you, **”** Emily practically growls.

You snort. **“** We were playing Marco Polo. I was trying to get past him when he jumped out of Jimin’s way and barely caught me before I went under. **”**

Which would have been bad. This is probably why _onsen_ are for relaxation and socializing, _not_ for goofing off.

Bonwha gives you a sly look. **“** Caught you, how? **”**

Cursing at the heat creeping up your cheeks, you pantomime it. It looks like you are holding a child against your chest. It is as close to the position you were in as you are willing to admit. If pervert nosebleeds were actually a thing…

 **“** Girl, do you know how many people would kill to be you? **”** Emily wonders. **“** Not only did you see over half of BTS naked, but Jungkook held you against him! Naked! **”**

You roll your eyes. **“** The fans will never know. Not a whole lot of places for people to hide and take photos. **”**

A small part of you is fully aware how determined sasaeng can be when it comes to stalking their victim – er, bias. It is just hard to imagine any finding you all here. The location of the break might not be a secret, but that blizzard is surely enough to deter any would-be stalkers.

 **“** So… How did you go from nude Marco Polo to the dance-line knowing about your feelings for Suga? **”** Bonwha wonders, brow arched.

 **“** Hobi asked. **”** You shrug a little. The guilty look on the Asian’s face makes you frown. **“** _You_ told?! **”**

Bonwha shakes his head, hands up in surrender. **“** I didn’t! He guessed it had to do with Yoongi. I only confirmed, no details. **”**

You are still glaring at him, although it is mostly for show. **“** Right… Well, he asked. He had that stubborn look like he was determined to find out. Probably so he could try to fix it. **”**

Except a broken heart is not easily fixed. Barring a miracle, it takes time. The distress over not being able to help spread happiness to you had been visible on his face.

 **“** That’s it? You told them and went on about your business? **”** Matt sounds skeptical. His basic Korean has made it difficult to be friends with BTS, but he still gets them to speak English with him. Between everyone’s languages, he manages to communicate pretty well.

 **“** Well, they were shocked. **”** You look up at the ceiling as you try to remember. **“** Kookie thought I had a crush on Tae. **”**

The others are not surprised. Until this, most of them thought you had romantic feelings towards the younger mood-maker. Bonwha is not positive that Taehyung did not think so, too. It is hard to read the guy. Still, it is funny that you got accused by the maknae.

 **“** I’m sorry, but that is the most anticlimactic ending to this story, **”** Emily grumbles.

You shake your head with an amused smile. **“** Would you rather it be more dramatic? I can try to come up with something for that. **”**

 **“** Nope! **”** Emily catches the stern look from Bonwha. **“** I’m good. I need to remember that life is not a TV show. **”**

Clearing his throat, Bonwha holds up the paper Emily snuck to him. **“** So, you _do_ want to finish and record this? **”**

You blink at the abrupt topic change, before nodding. **“** Yes, but not… Not for an album. **”**

At the confusion, Emily clarifies, **“** We’ll do it for a late birthday gift. **”**

That actually makes more sense. Matt nods to himself and relaxes. Meanwhile, Bonwha is looking thoughtful. Usually, he would be hesitant. After all, studio time is not cheap. But that was something to worry about before this international tour happened. Money is not really an issue anymore. He ends up shrugging.

 **“** If that’s what you want, I’m good with it. **”**

You smile shyly, pleased. **“** Thanks, guys. **”**

Talk turns to other things, mostly reminiscing about old times. There is a bit where Matt and Emily argue over what is the best thing to do when finally home, but they are not serious about it. You just enjoy soaking up the vibes being with your friends brings. It fills you with warmth.

Your “family” of origin might be shit, but the family you have made with your friends is all you really need. It makes you hopeful that you will be able to add the guys from BTS to it. At least some of them, definitely Taehyung.

It is easier to ignore the twinge of longing for Yoongi to be part of the family. At most, he will be an honorary member unless he chooses to join. But why would he want to be part of your family? He has barely acted like he even wants to be friends.

By the time the four of you are done, it is after closing. The staff have mostly left you alone, so you make sure the area around the table is clean so they have less work to do. You do manage to flag down one of the employees, though, to ask about sake in the hot springs. It takes a bit of charades, but eventually she is smiling at you.

 **“** You need boat, **”** she says happily in broken English. **“** I get. **”**

A part of you wants to stop her when she turns to leave. You are fairly sure something got lost in translation. Why would you need a boat in the hot springs?

This is still turning over in your mind when the older lady shows back up. In her hands is what looks like a bamboo tray with raised sides. She pats it almost fondly.

 **“** Sake go here, **”** she says, indicating the inside. **“** No spill. **”**

“ _Arigatou gozaimasu,_ ” you say, using one of the few Japanese phrases you remember.

She looks pleased, before bowing slightly and shuffling away.

You watch after her, smiling a little. When you turn around, you find that your friends have already gone. Rolling your eyes at being left behind, you wander from the restaurant into the hall. Although you already have the boat, you are not really ready to go to the _onsen_. The song is still beating your brain up, so you end up going back to the room to keep working on it.

It is not until Emily comes to bed that you realize time has passed. The song being almost done has consumed you. The worst part is there is _something_ missing from the song, but you cannot tell what it is. This has left you so frustrated that you have already screamed into your pillow and forced yourself not to rage-quit by shredding everything you _do_ have.

 **“** [Nickname], it’s midnight. If you’re stuck, go for a walk or something, **”** she mutters from the bathroom as she gets ready for bed.

You cannot help but pout a little. This song is not supposed to be this complex. You did not even really mean to flesh out the music by copying out the different musical parts. Yet, you cannot let it go now. It makes you feel sick to think about giving up on it. As irrational as that is, you are too stubborn to give up now.

“Aish, fine,” you grumble, switching into Korean out of habit. You pause for a moment. _Is it weird to switch away from my native tongue? Probably._ With a shake of your head, you push yourself up off the futon.

Emily does not even blink at the sudden Korean. Although nowhere near you and Bonwha, she understands commonly used phrases. She just crawls under the covers on her own bed.

You shut the door quietly behind you. Instantly, you regret not bringing your violin. Or at least a pencil and paper. _Something_ just in case you get struck with inspiration.

With no real destination in mind, you end up roaming aimlessly. It is already midnight, yet you do not feel even the slightest bit sleepy. Maybe you should go to the _onsen_ again. Considering how it was deserted the night before, it is fairly likely that at this later time it is again.

You wander until you find yourself in an alcove. There are a couple pillows on the floor, but the two plush chairs are more inviting. These have been turned to face the large bay window. Outside, the world is blanketed in white. Snowflakes, large and fluffy, fall steadily from the sky. You do not even have to get comfortable before you are lulled into almost a trance.

The song is so close to done. _Maybe it_ is _done_ , you realize with a start. The compulsive need to keep tweaking your creations until you attain some unreachable level of perfection is something you have always struggled with. Usually, you have plenty of people to show for constructive criticism, or feedback of any sort. This time is different. Your friends are not going to be able to suggest anything unless it is directly related to the score. Even then, they will probably just try to pacify you and say it is fine as is.

There is no one else to bounce ideas off of. If you try to go to anyone from BTS, they will need to know the lyrics in order to help with the instrumental. You are not ready for any of them to know just how bad you have it for Yoongi.

With a frustrated noise, you slump in your seat. Why did you have to go and fall for a K-pop idol? It just complicates everything. You have not thought about that.

Wait, _can_ they date? Like is it allowed by their contract? You are fairly certain you have read about some companies having forbidden dating. It just never occurred to you that BitHit might have similar restrictions.

_Great. Now I’m an even bigger idiot._

For a second, your heart wonders if Yoongi’s “I’m sorry” was from his considering his contract. Even you have to admit defeat, although you know you already lost. Now you can put out the embers left from the torch you carry for the rapper. At least, in theory.

There is no way you can ever ask him to compromise his career, his dream. No, you would rather cut out your tongue so you cannot sing again than somehow interfere with Yoongi’s happiness. You will never have the chance, but you would never ask him to choose. Not only is that entirely unfair and manipulative as fuck, but you already know his choice.

None of this helps with the song, but you cannot be bothered with that now. The thing cannot ever be leaked. What if BigHit interprets it wrong and says Yoongi violated his contract even though absolutely _nothing_ has happened? _Yeah, no._ You will just keep this piece close to your heart where it belongs.

“Princess?”

Taehyung’s voice registers at the same time as the dampness on your cheeks. You blink back the tears that have turned everything blurry and try to inconspicuously wipe away the evidence. Only then do you glance up at him. You offer him a small smile, dread forming in your stomach when you see the concern and alarm on his face. It is unlikely he will let this go without a fight.

“Tae,” you greet him with a nod.

He looks you over as if he can spot the reason you were crying. Seeing none, he awkwardly clears his throat. “What happened?”

“Nothing happened.” It is the truth. Future events have, by definition, not occurred yet.

“Fine, let’s pretend I believe you.” He drops into the chair next to you. “Why were you crying?”

 _Shitfuck._ Now what do you say? It is already humiliating enough. You both do and do not want to tell him. If anyone will know what is in BigHit’s contracts, it is one of Bangtan. You just are not comfortable asking any of the others.

“Are you guys even allowed to date?” you blurt out before you can stop it.

Taehyung looks a little startled. He did not expect you to ask that, although he is not sure why. It makes sense, though, considering Yoongi.

“I believe it is discouraged, but not forbidden. Basically we can, but we are not supposed to go _looking_ for a girlfriend,” he answers, thoughtful.

That is a major relief, although you immediately scold yourself for caring. _Yoongi – is – not – interested_ , you think furiously at yourself. While his contract would have been a good enough reason and would offer you some closure, it does not matter. Something else is to blame, and the only thing you can think of is yourself.

Being an unwanted pest is hardly new to you.

“Why?” V wonders, then it immediately clicks. His expression softens. “Worried about Suga-hyung?”

The only answer is a shrug. “I was worried I put even more of a burden on him than I already have.”

That burden being your unrequited feelings.

That just gets a frustrated noise from the mood-maker, however he chooses not to comment on it.

Suddenly, he has an idea. He _finally_ came up with Plan A.

“Feelings are not burdens.” Alright, he cannot leave that alone. He just does not understand the weird stigma Americans have about emotions. Public displays of them seem to be met with confusion, if not outright disdain.

It is not healthy to bottle things up like that. Taehyung is very glad he grew up in South Korea where that is not the case.

At your grumpy look, he sighs. “Fine, I won’t lecture you. Instead, I’ll suggest maybe visiting the _onsen_ again. It is so late everyone is asleep or at least in their rooms. Besides, I know you didn’t really get to relax last night. The snow falling will make the outdoor part fun.”

You just blink at him dumbly, feeling a bit like you just got whiplash. That is such a drastic topic change that you are not sure what to do. Maybe it is some weird paranoia, but you find it awfully suspicious that he is pushing you to go. Still, you cannot think of any nefarious reasons to get you there, so you brush it off as another idiosyncrasy of his.

Besides, you already plan on going tonight.

“Alright,” you agree. “I’ll head over in a couple minutes. Thanks, Tae.”

He smiles gently at you. “No problem, princess.”

And then he ruins it by ruffling your hair.

“Yah!” You are not _actually_ mad. “Don’t mess with the royal hair,” you grumble with a pout.

Taehyung blinks at the unexpected aegyo, before laughing. “Sorry, princess. Please don’t cut off my hand.”

You pretend to sigh, as if pardoning him is a lot of work. “Fine, I suppose. You would look awfully silly and lopsided with one hand.”

He snickers to himself. “Yes, I sure would. I’m also rather fond of my hands.” He studies them seriously for a second. “I’m rather attached to them, actually.”

The pun sets off your giggling, earning a content little smile from the younger guy. You have a nice laugh, when you are not muting it to be silent. When you laugh really hard, it is like the merriment chases out the sound. Your giggles, on the other hand, are almost chittering like a squirrel. He is smart enough not to tell you that you remind him of one, though.

Crawling out of the chair, you stretch your arms up over your head, back arching slightly. Your whole body tightens up for a moment, before relaxing. A soft sigh, and then you are turning to give your friend a hug.

“Thanks, Tae.”

For his part, V is a little confused about the hug and gratitude, but his arms come around you easily. He even gives you a squeeze.

“You’re welcome,” he says, confused. “For what?”

“Distracting me, cheering me up,” is your answer.

“Oh, no worries,” he says. “Distract you from what?”

 _Yoongi_. You are not going to admit that aloud, though, so you say, “This song I’ve been working on all day.”

His eyes light up after a second. “Is that what you were working on during practice? Before we did _Helix_?”

You look a little embarrassed. “Yeah, that’s the one.”

He nods in acknowledgement. “Do you want help on it?”

You are really glad that your face is hidden so he cannot see your blush. It feels like your skin should be glowing like hot coals. Maybe this way, you can get away with politely refusing.

“Uh, not really,” you answer. Unfortunately, you suck at lying; it used to be a skill you mastered growing up, but not anymore. _It is good for skills to get rusty on things that are harmful, right?_

He looks a little disappointed. “You _sure_?”

“Yep!” At least that sounds more convincing. “Thanks, though.”

It makes him feel a little petulant that you do not want his help. Plus he has a nagging feeling that you actually _do_ need help.

“Fine, then why did you need distracting?” He crosses his arms and raises a brow expectantly.

You barely manage to keep the cursing inside your head. It always has to be Tae who calls you on your bluffs. It would be endearing if it was not so irritating. It does not take a genius to sea that he has a stubborn set to his jaw as he waits for you to answer.

A blustery sigh escapes you. “Fine! I feel like something is still missing, but I cannot tell what it is.”

Taehyung looks more than a little smug about getting you to tell him. It fades quickly when he sees that your mental block has you actually distressed. His expression softens.

“If you want, I can try to help?”

You look torn. “Thank you, but… it is a little embarrassing, so… Pass?”

That is a little baffling. Why would one of your songs be like that? Alright, he has to admit that quite a few of your songs are extremely personal like _Rock the Boat_ and _Suseonwha_. Yet you have no trouble singing _those_ in front of thousands. What could possibly be more—?

Oh.

“Is it about Suga-hyung?” he wonders.

The tiny flinch that he can feel with his arms still around you is all the answer that he needs. Although you cannot see it, he glances down at you with a fond smile.

“If I haven’t figured it out by tomorrow, will you still be willing to help?” you mumble, peering up at him through your lashes as you bite your lip.

The unintended aegyo is so not fair.

“Of course, [Nickname].” He really should not tease you, but he cannot help it. “I’m curious to hear a love song about my hyung.”

With a frustrated noise, you finally pull away and look up at him. Although you are scowling, your cheeks are bright red, which completely destroys any intimidation. V suddenly has to bite his tongue to keep from comparing you to a small, angry animal. He is not that dumb, and really does not want to get elbowed in the side, or poked hard on his stomach. Maybe it is the size, but your fingers are almost sharp. He is surprised you do not leave bruises.

Yes, he is exaggerating a bit.

“Jerk,” you huff, pouting.

He only grins at you. “Whatever you say, Princess.”

“I’m _not_ a princess.”

“You’re _our_ princess.” At the look he gets, Taehyung cackles.

You roll your eyes, but cannot stop the smile. “That was so greasy.”

He can only shrug, because he said it intentionally. Although not exactly true, he knows the rest of the guys are fond of you in their own ways. They all like the rest of Wanderlost, but due to language barriers, they are obviously closest to you and Bonwha. He cannot remember, but he knows either Jin or J-Hope asked if your friends felt left out. You only said that Matt is an introverted loner, and that Emily is content to talk to her girlfriend and deal with social media, specifically the band’s official accounts.

“I know.” He sounds almost proud of himself.

You roll your eyes. “You’re a weirdo.”

The fondness in your tone takes away any potential sting.

He grins. “Maybe, but you love it.”

“Yeah, I’d miss it if you stopped being you,” you admit easily.

This time it is V who can feel his face turning red as his ears and neck heat up. You grin up at him, before moving to slip around. With a pat on his arm as you pass, you glance over your shoulder at him.

“G’night, TaeTae.”

He jolts a bit at his name. _You_ need to stop saying things like that, it is not good for his blood pressure. Or his heart.

“Sweet dreams,” he calls out.

Once he is sure you are out of sight – and resists the urge to follow you to make doubly sure you will unwittingly follow the plan – he turns to head back towards where BTS has taken rooms.

Plan A is starting off as a success. Part 1 is completed to the best of his knowledge.

Now he has to work on Part 2, which is going to be the hardest. If he rouses any suspicion, then the plan will fail.

At least he already has Plan B!

* * *

For once, Yoongi is not tempted to nap instead of getting something done. Instead of sleeping, he spends the next couple of hours basically cyber-stalking you. There are multiple reasons for this, of course, even logical ones. Still, he is glad none of his dongsaengs – or Jin – know what he is up to.

The first reasons is blatant curiosity. The knowledge gap is severely uneven, because he knows you used to be a fan. He is perfectly aware of how much information is out there about him – about _all_ of them. It would be dumb on your part if you did not look into them, and he can tell you have by the things you have said or the things you have done.

He has a measly amount of knowledge about you, and knows it is his fault. The communication has been mostly one-sided. It bothers him a lot more than he thought it would.

Secondly, he is basically doing research. Maybe filling his brain with you will help him figure out what is missing from his song.

The final reason is probably the most important. He needs to know _what_ info is out there. Aside from what you and the media have put out there, he has to find out what the fans are saying. Specifically, he wants to know how big the target on your back is for the sasaengs and anti-fans. He is really hopeful it is not too bad yet, because then he can prepare for how it will be if you decide to forgive him for being an idiot and give him a chance.

So that is how he finds himself deep in the band’s YouTube channel watching videos from a couple years ago. He has listened to all the songs you guys have uploaded, even the two that RM warned him about. It is a relief that no one was there to see him cry.

To cheer himself up – although _Sudal Nolae_ did a pretty good job – he is watching some of the “interviews” you gave. In reality, they are just videos of you doing Q’n’A’s

_You sit on a comfortable looking swivel chair that you are absently turning back and forth in obvious nerves. So far, you have answered questions mostly about the music, your writing process, and touched only faintly on the inspiration behind them._

_With your gaze on your computer screen, the movement of the chatroom is reflected off the mug in front of you._

_“Okay, you all are spamming the same question now, so I guess I should answer that one, yeah?” At whatever is on the screen, you grin cheekily. “Fine, fine. How did we all meet?”_

There is something dark that passes over your face for a second, but it disappears too fast for Suga to identify it. He frowns slightly, turning the sound up only to see it at max volume already. Frustrated, he checks – yes, captions! There is even a Korean option, so he taps on it. It is pleasantly surprising to see they are not auto-generated, which means either you or Bonwha took the time to translate it. A quick glance at the video description shows your name listed next to “Translator”. He cannot help grinning a little. The attention you have for detail when it comes to making things easier or more enjoyable for your fans is admirable.

_“I met Matt in a chem lab,” you are saying. “We both hated chemistry, so we paired up as partners so that we could bitch and moan uninterrupted. It wasn’t until the end of the semester that I found out he and Bonwha grew up together.”_

_You read something in the chat and smile. “Yeah, it is a very small world. Bonwha is the one who introduced me to Emily and Willow. I lived with them for a bit before I could get into campus housing._

It is becoming obvious that you are stalling. Yoongi cannot think of a reason you might be hesitant to talk about how you met Bonwha. Already in the video, you have mentioned plenty of things he would be too shy to admit.

_You pick up your drink to sip at it, grimacing a little. “Cold chai is so gross.”_

_There is a flurry of messages, to which you grin. “Yeah, I also hate bacon, guys.”_

_The next minute your smile fades. “Ugh… The story with Bonwha is kind of embarrassing…”_

_There is a commotion caught off camera. It has you looking over to the side._

_“What are you doing?” Bonwha appears seconds after the question, peering over you at the screen. “Live Q’n’A?”_

_You shrug. “Yeah. They asked how we met. I told them about Matt and Em already.”_

_The two of you share a look, before Bonwha’s eyes are flicked back at the screen. He sighs heavily as he practically drapes himself on the back of the chair._

_“I used to see [Name] around the city, playing her violin for money,” Bonwha starts. “Sometimes she would sing, which is what really got my attention.”_

_You roll your eyes, but there is a small smile on your lips. “You would stare at me. It was creepy.”_

_Bonwha snorts softly. “How old were you?”_

_“The first time?” You frown a little. “I had to have been at least eighteen.”_

_“Oh, right.” He hesitates, glancing at the chat. “I remember you had that old car, the one without heating. You had over a dozen blankets in there, like a little nest.”_

_Now your smile is sad. “Yeah, I had to stay warm at night. That thing was a piece of junk that barely ran, but it was home.”_

Yoongi pauses the video. Did you just admit to being homeless? He is both surprised, and saddened. He dealt with being too poor before; he would not want you to know it, too. He finds himself grateful for Bonwha, for helping you.

So far, based on all the stuff he has read and heard, you had a very rough life. As silly as it is, he wishes he could go back in time and hug you.

_“One more question,” you declare._

_Based on the amusement on both of your faces, the chat is going crazy trying to get the right question ready. Absently, Bonwha pats on your head before wandering away out of sight._

_“Who is my ultimate bias? Oh, fuck… That is hard.” A little wrinkle forms between your eyebrows as you concentrate. “I don’t think I have one?”_

_That is clearly not a satisfactory answer, because your eyes flick back and forth as you read the chat. Then you are grinning._

_“Okay, so you all want to know who is on my bias list?”_

Yoongi’s chest is tight. A part of him knows you are not about to say his name.

_“Well… from EXO it was Tao, from JYJ/TVXQ it is Jaejoong.”_

_You smile at whatever the chat is asking._

_“From BTS? I haven’t really listened to them much, but they are all gorgeous which is hardly fair. How does anyone pick?” You huff softly. “The first one that caught my eye is V, but that was probably his blue hair.”_

His heart hurts, even though this is what he expected you to say. Almost everyone notices Taehyung first. If not him, then any of the others. Suga is usually last.

_“It’s dance-line and rap-line, right? Well, V is from dance-line. The next one I was drawn to is Suga.” You pause, before grinning. “Because he is adorable! And funny. And, like all of them, fucking beautiful.”_

Now he has to pause the video because he is smiling so wide his eyes are almost shut. The heat in his face and bubbly feeling inside are ridiculous. Those compliments are _years_ old. Years! He is being pathetic.

With that video over, he taps off his phone and sighs. Alright, the things he has learned so far are not really conducive to romance.

Unfortunately, now his head is full of all the negative things you have dealt with. He probably should have taken notes on the things you told him about yourself in the videos.

Getting to his feet, Yoongi decides to try and find somewhere cozy and quiet that he can hide in while he slowly works his way through the landslide of information about you. Maybe something he has learned tonight will be the inspiration he needs to finally finish the damn song.

His wandering leads him to an alcove adorned with pillows to sit on, or soft chairs. He curls up in a chair that is turned to the large window. There is a second of overwhelming déjà vu from last night when Namjoon cornered him, but it passes.

Yoongi has no idea how long he sits there. It is a good thing he had a late dinner, or he would be starving.

_[Name] is like a sunshower._

That is really cheesy, but maybe he can work with that idea. After all, you do brighten his day. It is just he is an idiot for not noticing – not _allowing_ himself to notice. That is the real issue here.

Up until now, anything even remotely related to girls in anything other than a professional capacity, his brain shut down. By suppressing his heart in this way, he was free to channel those emotions into his music. The love he feels towards the fans is a far cry from romantic, so it is safe. Now he is struggling to process all the things he has previously blocked out.

There is also that vulnerability making this even harder. How much should he say? Well, considering you were brave enough to reveal your feelings – and get rejected, he winces – then he should probably share everything with you. At least, he can offer an explanation for his behavior, although it does not excuse it.

“Hyung?”

The sound of a voice makes him jump a little. Embarrassed, he gives the speaker a very grumpy look. A heavy sigh escapes him when he sees who it is, expression softening.

“Hey, V.”

Taehyung is struggling to hold in the giant smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. He honestly thought he was going to end up barging into Yoongi’s room to get his attention. The only issue with this is he has been unable to think of an excuse for why he barged in to tell the older guy to go to the _onsen_ in an inconspicuous way. Now he does not have to do that, so Plan A, Part 2 can continue as planned.

“Are you okay?” He had called out more than once.

Yoongi nods, before rubbing wearily at his eyes. “Yeah, just tired.”

“Working on the song for [Name]?” Taehyung wonders with a small smile.

The older boy rolls his eyes even with them closed. “Yes, Tae.”

The younger just nods his head once. If his hyung is this focused on the song, then he is really invested. Taehyung is not sure whether he feels surprised by Yoongi’s passion, or not. He ends up deciding he just was not expecting it. Maybe he should, though, considering the passion for music the other has.

Suga just ends up watching his dongsaeng in mild exasperation. “Did you need something?”

At the prompt, V blinks before smiling sheepishly. “Yeah, sorry. I was going to ask you something, but I forgot.”

The older rolls his eyes again with an irritated sigh. “So you interrupted for no reason.”

Taehyung pouts a little. “I had a reason, I just forgot it.”

“Then you don’t have it anymore, ergo there is no reason.”

Rather than argue – because what good will that do? – he sighs. “Fine. As an apology, I’ll let you know the big bath is empty because everyone else is asleep or getting ready to be. Dunno if you got a chance last night, but the outside part is nice. It is snowing, so it makes everything better.”

Honestly, he had felt a little like one of those monkeys that frequent hot springs, with his hair getting frosty as snow accumulated while he soaked in the heat.

The rapper looks a little surprised for a moment, but it fades quickly. Since the younger one recommended the _onsen_ last night, this is not very suspicious. It also sounds wonderful right now. Maybe he will find clarity in the cold air.

“Thanks for letting me know,” he says with a sincere smile.

It is really hard to contain his glee.

“No problem, hyung,” is his response. It is followed by a yawn. “I’m gonna go to bed. Have fun.”

The grin says hidden until he has turned so Yoongi cannot see it. He almost wants to dance, but stops himself. Now, the last part of the plan is up to the two of you. Hopefully neither of you go off the imaginary script he has come up with. If you do, he is not sure if he will be able to think of a way to salvage it. Well, besides Plan B, but even _that_ might not work!

Aish. With a hand, he lightly smacks himself on the head. Worrying does not do anything, or any good. He will just make sure to keep his phone on in case you need him and call.

As he walks up to the door to his room, his fists come up in the classic “Hwaiting!” pose.

Meanwhile, Yoongi has finally hauled himself out of the chair to go to his own room. He had not gotten to go to the hot spring last night after getting caught up in writing the song. Getting to relax without worrying about others being there sounds really nice. Even though practice was not too strenuous, muscles that have gotten lazy are still feeling the burn of the sudden exercise. The heat from the water will help a lot.

He remembers from hearing the others that he has to bathe first before getting to the actual pool. Since most _onsen_ have bath products available for patrons who do not want to bring their own, he does not bother. Instead, he just grabs clean, comfy clothes to wear after that he will probably sleep in. Then he makes his way to where all the signs direct him.

After putting his things in a basket, he makes his way into the bath. The wall of humid heat almost provides resistance like he has to push through a membrane. Which is an odd, kind of gross thought. Shaking his head, he moves over to one of the showers. There is a small shelf with a variety of soaps on it. One shelf is labeled with the word “shampoo” in Japanese, English, and Korean; the one under it is labeled for body wash. If he had to guess, this is where the forgotten products end up.

There is even an abandoned shower caddy with products still in it, including a body puff.

Curiosity getting the better of him, Yoongi spends an excessive amount of time going through the options to pick the ones he wants to use. He figures if he does not like any of them, he will use the stuff in the dispenser on the wall. He has a couple in mind, but he still crouches down to investigate the things left in the caddy.

His nose wrinkles a little in surprise, because the shampoo smells like you. The body wash does, too, so he only stares at it. The products are in unmarked bottles so he cannot read any labels. He shrugs to himself.

You are not likely to purchase some really expensive products; he vaguely remembers you and Bonwha teasing each other about how long it takes to get soap from the store. You lost once he started chasing you to tickle you.

The memory makes him smile faintly.

Impulsively, he opens the last two bottles again. The combination of scents rolls through him, leaving him relaxed and content. He is glad no one else is here to see this. No doubt they would tease him mercilessly for being comforted by the way you smell.

After a brief hesitation, he shrugs. No one is around to care, by the time he wakes up in the morning it will have faded. He takes the products that smell like you over to a shower and finally gets started on bathing.

He does his best to ignore the way the combination of the shampoo and massaging it into his scalp makes him daydream about you doing it. That of course has him imagining the two of you in a position where you would be playing with his hair. Such as if you were taking a bath together. Would you kneel in front of him, reaching up to his hair, your tongue poking out a little as you concentrate on not getting it in his eyes? He could rest his hands on your hips, or slide them up to—

Yoongi jerks to his feet, eyes flying open. Immediately, he is swearing as he rinses his hands to try and wipe any soap from getting into his eyes again. His face feels uncomfortably hot as he quickly rinses his hair. As much as he obviously enjoyed the daydream, it has him so flustered now he feels almost jittery.

This is dumb, he knows. Having these thoughts is normal and healthy. He is just not used to it, so it feels a little overwhelming.

Still… Domestic things like this really appeal to him. If not in front, would you slip behind him to sit on the edge of a tub? He could hook an arm around your leg to help keep you balanced when you slide so that he is sitting between your thighs—

“Shit!”

The bottle that just smashed his toe rolls across the floor harmlessly. He glares after it, but goes about rinsing off again. Then he puts both bottles back in the caddy – in case the owner ever comes back – and makes his way out to the large _onsen_.

By now, the stench of sulfur no longer bothers him after the cloying heat in the bathing room. Still, with the access to the cold outside air producing a light breeze at times, this room is by far more comfortable.

He also enjoys the traditional-natural aesthetic. It is very soothing.

The water is hotter than he anticipates, so he has to slowly easy himself in. However, once he is, he cannot help the way his eyes narrow in bliss, lips pulling into a small, content smile. This is the best idea he – well, Taehyung – ever had.

The fact he has the whole place to himself just makes it even better.

It is when he gets closer to the woven curtain that traps some of the heat inside that he hears it. At first, he thinks it is the wind, or his imagination. Then he hears words, too, and realizes someone is in the exposed portion singing. He frowns a little, moving to shift the fabric to peak, only to freeze when the wind dies down. He recognizes the voice, eyes widening in panic. The memory of the shower caddy flashes through his mind. He barely suppresses a groan at his own stupidity.

No wonder it smells like you, it is _yours_.

He is such an idiot.

Yoongi does not know what to do. On one hand, you clearly have no idea he is even here yet. It is simple to just slip away. On the other, he does not really want to. He just is not brave enough to go out there.

He is not sure if the heat of his face is from the water, or from the fact you are only a few feet away. Naked.

“Aish…” He presses the heel of his hands to his eyes. As soon as his arms are down, he crosses them over his bare chest.

It is fairly likely that he is the last person you want to see. He does not have the song ready yet, so he will not be able to communicate effectively.

Resigned, he slumps against the wall next to the exit. He really should just go to his room and sleep.

But he does not. He sits there quietly listening to you sing to the snow. It is not any of the songs he recognizes – which, at this point, is now all of them – so it must be a new one. Suddenly, the memory of you composing during practice resurfaces. He is a little impressed that you have so much completed already.

The melody is nice, too. He can almost hear the harmony you will play on the violin. Smiling softly, he closes his eyes just to enjoy it.

The wind shifts, separating the curtain enough for your voice to ring clear, despite being soft and sad. It is the breeze that allows him to finally make out the words.

His heart starts to pound as he listens. When the curtain tries to drop back into place, he catches it with a finger. Holding it open so he can be sure of what the words are is important. The lyrics seem rather specific, but you are singing in English. He is too tired, or perhaps the heat is messing with his brain, because he cannot seem to translate the words fast enough. A frustrated noise escapes him that he forgets to hold in. Tensing up in preparation for you having heard, he waits for the confrontation.

And waits.

It takes a moment to realize you did _not_ hear him. Relief floods him, draining away the tension and panic. That was close.

The silence makes him wary, but there are no splashes to indicate you are moving around. He will have to keep an eye on the ripples through the water. He moves to peek again, a little worried that you might have overheated.

Then you begin singing again, this time in Korean. He closes his eyes to better enjoy the way music flows through your voice. He does not notice when he starts to nod his head to a beat only he can hear; one that fits with the song. It makes him smile softly.

The song passes through the first verse and chorus quickly enough Suga does not really register the words. He shifts a little closer to the opening in the curtain, enjoying the refreshingly cold air.

_“If in your next life  
You get what you wish  
And come back a rock  
In a secluded place of silence  
Let me be a little garter snake  
That basks in the sun on you.”_

His eyes pop open. Reincarnated into a rock? That is what _he_ said. Is this song about _him_? Dread sinks in his chest, tying his stomach into knots.

Yet he cannot help the wide, goofy smile on his face. You wrote a song about him. The idea of your wish for the next life is so fucking cute, too. 

_“I wonder if in his last thoughts  
Icarus wished to turn back time  
Maybe then I wouldn’t be so ambitious  
No temptation to fly too close to the sun  
I could remain saturated in your light forever  
Instead of the smoldering plummet of my heart  
Yet here we are among the ashes of my wings  
because I can’t stop flying too close to you”_

Guilt gnaws at him. Your song is beautiful, but sad. The song sounds almost like an ending. He just hopes it is not an ending to your feelings for him.

He flinches when your voice grows tight, before breaking at the end. There is a moment of silence during which he imagines you wiping away tears.

“I’m so fucking stupid…” is barely a whisper, but the silence of the snow amplifies it.

Yoongi does not know what to do. You are sitting out there alone, crying over him. He wants to barge out there and make you feel better, but he does not know how. Besides, he is the cause of your tears. Why would you even want anything to do with him?

The tiny sob wrenches something in him. His chest tightens, fingers twitching to do… _something_.

Before he can stop himself, the rapper is pushing through the curtain. The abrupt entrance into cold air makes him squeak softly. Again, you do not seem to have noticed the intrusion.

So, Yoongi takes the opportunity to just soak in the visual.

You are seated against the rock wall of the _onsen_ , hair up in a clip. You are twisted so you can peer off into the snow. The milky water reaches just under your shoulder, covering you completely. Snow falls in fluffy clumps all around you, creating hissing steam when it hits the water. Some has collected in your hair, too, although it melts fairly quickly.

He is a little floored by how beautiful you look.

Your reaching up to brush away tears brings him back to earth. Now that he is out here, he is not sure what to say.

“[Name]-ah?”

The voice startles you so much you jump up with a squeak. Whirling around, you freeze as the owner of the voice becomes visible through the steam. You see him even as you are trying to deny the familiarity of the voice.

Yoongi is standing a couple of feet past the curtain. The water outside is a little deeper so it is easier to stay mostly submerged. This is fortunate, because it means he does not have to crouch slightly to keep the water at a comfortable level. The water is just high enough to reach his hips.

When his eyes widen, you follow his gaze.

_Shitfuck!_

You drop back into the water, bringing the level to your shoulders instead of just a bit above your hips. Slowly, horror creeps through you. Yoongi is here. Both of you are naked. You essentially just flashed him. _Humiliation_ does not even begin to cover it.

The problem is, it should not matter. He made it abundantly clear that he is not interested. You just cannot get over that when you wish he liked what he sees. Not for the first time, you wonder what it is you are lacking.

 _A lot. I’m lacking_ a lot _. Move on!_

“Ah, h-hey, Suga.”

Yoongi’s brow pinches slightly. You hardly ever call him by his stage name. In fact, you rarely refer to anyone by their nickname. The closest you get is Hobi, Kookie, and Tae. It used to be jarring, even though you used honorifics.

He does not like that you are not calling him by name. Should it sting like it does?

With him just frowning like that, you shift uncomfortably. While you are technically the one who is here first, you feel like you should leave. After all, you have been here for a while. It makes sense to give him a turn. Plus, you doubt he really wants your company.

As the silence stretches, so does your anxiety. “Ah, I’ll go. I’ve been here long enough.”

The smile you offer is both apologetic and hopeful, which is an odd combination, but you make it work.

The rapper blinks in confusion, before his eyes widen slightly. “No!”

You freeze, having started to shift like you are going to get up. It is hard to tell, but it looks almost like he is blushing. That does not make any sense, so you dismiss it. The heat is probably just getting to him. This you can understand, because it suddenly feels warmer the longer you keep your gaze focused above his shoulders.

Yoongi barely resists the urge to slap himself. Way to be subtle.

“Sorry,” he mutters. Finally realizing how exposed he is, he crouches down until he is just as covered as you.

He does not miss the disappointed look on your face, but is a little confused. At least until you catch him watching and look away with a blush. Well, he _thinks_ it is a blush, but it could easily be the heat of the water.

Under the surface you hug yourself, curling in slightly as you try to make yourself dissolve. It is hardly fair for him to be so godfuckingdamn sexy. You have to keep your mind out of the gutter, which is a lot easier when you remember the look on his face after the confession. No wonder you are not good enough.

He can sing and dance in front of _thousands_. He can give speeches, and has even cried on camera. Yet he cannot speak to you. He does not trust his brain to send the correct words.

Swallowing hard, he fidgets. “You don’t have to go. You were here first.”

To say you are not shocked is a lie. Granted, _you_ have been the one avoiding _him_ , but you assumed that he wanted it that way. After all, while he always tolerated your presence, you sort of came to accept that is all it was. Tolerance. He did not mind your presence enough to chase you off. That is all.

 _Maybe you weren’t worth the energy_ , your mind supplies, the internal voice a sneer.

That is hardly a shock. You frequently believe you are worthless, although that has nothing to do with the man in front of you.

“It’s alright. I’ve had my turn,” you say, giving him an out to get rid of you politely. “I’m sure it will be more relaxing without me.”

He frowns a little. “If you want to go, that’s fine. But don’t go on my account.” His voice fades a little as he looks away. He adds, “I don’t want you to,” as a mutter that you barely understand.

You stare at him in shock. He wants you to _stay_. Why? Not that it really matters. Even if the two of you just silently enjoy the night, at least he is close by. His presence really does soothe you.

It is extremely pathetic.

Slowly, you shift to settle on the submerged rocks at the edge. There is quite a large space between you. It is certainly enough to not be too close.

“Okay…” You really, _really_ want to ask why he does not want you to leave. But you do not.

The silence that follows is not entirely awkward, but it still weighs heavily between you. You are not sure if you should talk to him, or not, but assume he wants quiet to relax. For his part, Yoongi is desperately wracking his brain for a safe topic to discuss with you. Yet it is like his brain has been wiped clean.

He blurts out, “Did you know that Scotland has over four-hundred words for ‘snow’?”

You just stare at him for a moment, before shaking your head. “No, I did not know that. Kind of seems a little excessive…”

The way your nose wrinkles is really cute. No wonder the fans like it when he does it.

He offers you a small smile. “Yeah, probably why not many are trying to learn Scots.”

“A dying language? What a shock!” You manage to look scandalized for all of a second, before it dissolves into a tiny smile.

It is stupid how just talking to him like this gets your hopes up. This is the exact same shit that led you to believe he might like you back. He does _not_ , at least not more than a friend, if that. A tiny sigh escapes you. You really regret telling him your feelings. Staying here with him is a bad idea, especially since you have not got a strong enough hold on your emotions yet. It is a good thing you are seated so far apart.

Still, he _wants_ you to stay. Not to mention you have no idea how long it will be before he allows you to hang out around him again. You do not want to waste the time you have. Maybe if you apologize he will not hold it against you.

Clearing your throat, you try desperately not to fidget or dissolve into mumbling. “Did… Jin give you my message?”

“Huh? Oh… Uh, yeah.” He licks his lip nervously. “Look, I’m sorry… I kind of panicked. In my defense, I’m pretty sure you are the first girl to confess to me that isn’t a fan.”

“But I _am_ a fan.” You are trying not to smile.

He blinks, before rolling his eyes. “You know what I meant. You aren’t ARMY.”

You arch an eyebrow at him. “How do _you_ know I don’t have an ARMY membership?”

A frustrated noise blusters out of him. “Bwo? [Name]-ah! Why are you making this so difficult? I’m trying to apologize!”

“Why should I make it easy? You rejected me, remember?”

Now he is giving you that grumpy kitten pout, having flinched a little when you reminded him of the rejection. You cannot stop the bright smile that pulls your lips up as a giggle escapes you, eyes sparkling with mischief.

Yoongi feels his pout fade into a soft smile. It is nice to be the one who makes you laugh. He has missed this more than he thought.

“Sorry, Yoongi-ah,” you say once the giggling has resolved, not looking in the least apologetic.

A little thrill shoots up his spine when you say his name. He suppresses the shiver and catches himself starting to drift closer to you, but stop before it is too obvious. He rubs the back of his neck anxiously.

He does not remember what he was saying anymore.

At the slightly panicked look on his face, you tilt your head a little in confusion. Realizing you interrupted him, you smile sheepishly.

“I’m the first to confess? I find that really hard to believe.” You have seen photos and clips from when he was a kid. He was still adorable, and you are sure that he had classmates with crushes on him.

You can totally see him being the tsundere to their teenage fantasies.

He face feels uncomfortably warm. “You’re the only one I can remember…” he mumbles, lips pursed in a pout.

That sounds more likely. He probably ignored or promptly forgot about any confessions back then because he was so focused on a music career.

“You didn’t _burden_ me,” he continues, missing the slight wince at hearing your own words. “I just was not expecting it and panicked. I’m sorry.”

You only shrug a little. That might explain his actions, but it does not excuse them. It certainly is not making _you_ feel better. It does not take back the pain you felt as your heart shattered into a million pieces like he took a sledgehammer to it.

“I appreciate the apology,” you comment with a shy smile.

Yoongi can tell that this has only helped his case a little bit. At least you accepted the apology, though. That is a good start.

Unsure what to say again, the rapper tilts his head back so his bleached hair brushes against the cool rock at his back. This could be going worse, so there is that.

Since he is not looking, you rest your head on the arm propped up by the wall. The image of him standing with the water at his hips is etched onto the back of your eyes. You hope to get it committed to memory, but he is fully submerged now except for his shoulders and up. He does have nice shoulders as well – but that is not the point.

Steam has condensed in the hollow of his collarbone. You watch as a drop slides along his jaw and down his neck. You wonder what would happen if you traced that path with your lips.

_Whoa! None of that._

You force your gaze pointedly away. The last thing you need is for him to see the longing or lust in your eyes. Then he really will never talk to you again. You force yourself to look away from him, chewing a little on your lip. You are not sure what is going on. He apologized for how he reacted, which is nice, you suppose. It clearly does not change anything. The reality that this is not some drama where he will change his mind is slowly creeping back in.

When Yoongi glances at you again, you have your head bowed a little as you stare at the water. The expression on your face is sad, resigned. Shit, what are you thinking about? He has a sinking feeling that it has to do with him.

“Um…” He probably should not tell you that he heard your song. He is fairly certain that he is the absolute last person you want to have heard it.

But he did.

You glance up at him curiously, only to see him looking anxious. It has you tilting your head a little in confusion. What can possibly make him nervous? You have not done anything and are still several feet away. Your body is hidden by the opaque water.

“Yeah?” Maybe if you prompt him, he will tell you.

You are not entirely sure you even want to know.

“I, uh… heard the song you were singing a bit ago,” he admits slowly, keeping a careful watch on your reaction.

The way your eyes widen in horror as your face goes white makes him seriously regret telling you.

While he can understand your response to a point, he does not quite understand why you look so miserable. The song itself is nice, even without that verse about him. He has seen you perform songs that are way more personal with relative ease during concerts. Why is the song about _him_ any different?

Can you drown yourself before he can get close enough to save you? Probably not. Maybe the water will cook your brains, so it will achieve the same general goal.

“I’m sorry,” you blurt without thinking.

Yoongi looks baffled. “Sorry? For what? I’m the one that was eavesdropping.”

That honestly does not bother you. While rude, it is not like you were singing somewhere private that no one can hear you. You are mostly upset about, once again, baring your soul to him. Only it is worse, almost, because you _wrote a song about him._ If only the earth would split long enough for you to fall down the volcanic vents.

“For writing it? For singing it out loud.” You hesitate, before a thought occurs to you. “I was never going to release it. I know better than that. I’m sorry.”

“Stop apologizing,” he grumbles. “I like the song, it sounds beautiful. I like that you made subtle changes between the versions. The second one sounded best to me.”

You are stunned silent as his words sink in. It sounds an awful lot like he is complimenting you while offering constructive criticism. Under the water, you pinch at the side of your thigh. _Ow!_ Alright, so you are not dreaming. Honestly, it feels like a dream, or maybe a nightmare. Does he not realize the song is about/ to him? Maybe, but you doubt it.

“Thanks…” You still are unsure what to do, or feel. “The guys are gonna help me produce the song as a late birthday gift.”

The excitement you are trying not to show about it still leaks out. Yoongi pretends to shift around like he is uncomfortable in order to hide how cute he thinks you are. At this point, he is fairly sure that you will not share his amusement.

“That sounds like an awesome gift,” he says with a small smile. “Are you going to let us hear the finished piece?”

You look at him incredulously, face burning. It is embarrassing enough that he heard it, let alone the other guys. While you know they will be positive about it, you are not foolish enough to think they will refrain from teasing you mercilessly for the rest of your life.

The rapper sighs at the look. “Okay, fine. Can _I_ hear it? I’ve already heard this version.”

He does have a point. There is no use hiding it from him.

“I guess…? If you really want to.” It is obvious by the skepticism in your tone that you do not entirely understand why he even would.

You never thought of him as the type to stroke his own ego.

“I do.” His earnest expression makes your chest tighten.

Quickly, you look away, because you cannot trust your expression right now. Revealing more about yourself sounds awful, not to mention pointless. The last thing you need is to further burden him with your unrequited feelings.

When you look away like that, it is not quite fast enough to hide the way your eyes have lost their sparkle a little. He frowns, trying to think of whatever might have caused the change in your mood. Obviously, he managed to say something wrong again.

“[Name]?” His voice is gentle. Maybe he can just improvise?

You glance up at him again. “Yeah?”

The younger guy hesitates. What if you refuse to believe him? That would make sense. After all it is odd that his feelings have changed so much. Well, it is weird how fast they have changed, too, now that he is no longer trying to suppress it. The last thing he wants is to confess and you not believe him. Or give him a taste of his own medicine.

Although you do not seem like the type of girl to do that, despite the teasing a bit ago.

Licking his lip, his hand comes up to rub at his ear. “Do you think you’d be… interested in helping me with a new song?”

You blink stupidly for a second as your brain struggles to switch gears. This is a much safer topic, so you do not even really mind. Shifting a little, you start to drift closer before you stop yourself. Normally, you would sit close so he can focus on the music and less on amplifying his voice.

However, you do not miss the way his eyes widen when he sees you approaching. He visibly relaxes when you settle again.

“Sure,” you answer with a small smile.

There is an emotion in it that Yoongi does not recognize, but it fills him with butterflies. He has to swallow a giggle. Still, he manages to smile at you without it being too strained. It earns a surprised grin from you. That just makes him feel even happier.

“Thanks,” he says with an almost shy smile. “I’ve got the words pretty much done, I just feel like something is still missing.”

It is ridiculous that his heart is pounding harder than when he is about to go on stage. This audience of one is more daunting than an entire stadium.

“Hwaiting!” you cheer, bringing your fists up in the first bit of aegyo he has seen you do in weeks.

It is unfair how cute you can be. Especially when he is fully aware that you are nude under the cloudy surface. He forces himself not to think about when you stood up after he startled you. Even with the lighting, he saw more than he ever expected.

To distract himself, he pushes off the ledge he has been sitting on to straighten up. It’s very cold and the snowflakes landing on his chest and arms sizzle with little plumes of steam rising from his skin. It is an odd sensation, to say the least.

“Omo…” You do not realize you have spoken aloud, eyes transfixed on the vision in front of you.

Water cascades down Suga’s body, merging into streams that highlight the contour of his muscles. Even as he simply shifts to get his balance, you watch the movement under his skin as they shift around. It reminds you of the way it looks when a large cat is prowling.

When Yoongi finally glances at you again, you are staring at him with wide eyes. As he watches, your cheeks steadily darken until he can see even the tips of your ears are pink. Confused, he casts about him for whatever you are looking at. Seeing nothing, he looks at you with a small frown. You are still staring, still blushing. Now, he follows your gaze to figure out what is giving you this reaction. His eyes land…

On himself?

He looks down, baffled. There is nothing all that impressive. He has definition and muscle, but he is not in as good a shape as Jimin or the others. His gaze flicks up to you. This time, you notice him watching you.

With a squeak, you jerk your eyes off him. If you thought you were blushing a lot before, it feels like someone has injected magma into the veins in your face.

Belatedly, Yoongi realizes you were looking at him the way he probably stared at you earlier. He cannot help the gummy smile, but decides not to tease you. At least not yet. If everything goes well, maybe he will tease you then.

Clearing your throat, when you look at him again, you have managed to stop blushing. By shoving your attraction and personal feelings under all the skeletons in your mental closet, you are now able to look at him and listen from an impartial standpoint. Sometimes dissociating comes in handy.

The shy little grin Yoongi sends you is so damn adorable you cannot help but smile back. Hopefully it comes across as encouraging and not giddy over the amount of cuteness he is displaying.

“Ready?” It is a dumb question to ask, but he does anyway. Maybe he is stalling, but still. He does nt want you to miss anything he says.

Your response is a bright smile and thumbs-up.

When his eyes close, you relax a little and shift to get comfy. Sometimes, his raps are really long, and you have no reason to believe this is otherwise. Yes, he produces other songs for artists that are not strictly rap only. Still, the only thing he has shared with you are his personal pieces.

You smile a little to yourself as Yoongi nods his head to a beat only he can hear. When he opens his eyes again, they are already focused on you. The intensity takes you aback, but you only blink at it before assuming he has just put on his stage persona.

When he starts, there is a second where you get distracted just watching him perform. It is obvious how much love he has for this. That passion makes you smile softly.

The lyrics slowly sink in.

_“I didn’t look at you because I told myself I can’t afford to  
(Yeah, I looked at you)  
I listened to you because I couldn’t allow myself to speak  
(I can’t trust my tongue)…”_

There is no way. This cannot be happening. Yoongi is _not_ rapping his feelings to you right now. This is either a very lucid dream, or he is just practicing a song in which he had to pretend. It is like _Just One Day_ but a private concert just for you.

Yoongi cannot help watching you for your reaction. It is pretty obvious that you went from suspicious to not unusually fast. He wonders why, but is too afraid to ask. Maybe you have convinced yourself that this is not about you. He will just have to convince you otherwise.

As he continues, the lyrics get more and more specific. He references times the two of you spent together, revealing just how much he _was_ paying attention to you. Even though it felt like you were talking at him, it is obvious from what he is saying that he was listening closely.

He mentions one of the times you came to help him in the kitchen, as the others had volunteered him to cook for everyone. While they had started out helping with preparation, they all drifted away once their part was done. Except you. Without even saying anything, you had fallen in to help him seamlessly. A couple times, you even offered him whatever he turned to get before he even had a chance to look for it.

Yoongi sees the moment it _finally_ sinks in that yes, this really is about you. At the slightly bewildered look, he ends up grinning a little.

To be honest, you are very distracting even just sitting there. With a slightly deer-in-headlights look, mouth hanging open just a little, you stare at him. Color steadily rises in your cheeks as he continues to pour his heart out to you.

He did not even think it is possible for eyes to sparkle, but you have proven him wrong.

It is so hard not to get up or move closer. You stay still, though, almost afraid that any movement on your part will scare him off. Even with that persona giving him confidence, you can see just how red his cheeks are. As shy as the guy is, you can understand how uncomfortable this must be. At least he does not have to worry about _you_ rejecting _him_.

When he mentions how he use to wake up from naps feeling disappointed you did not latch on like an octopus, you cannot help it. The giant smile you have been holding in finally breaks free. It is so large it actually makes your cheeks hurt. You bite your lip to try and dampen it down, not wanting him to think you are making fun of him.

Your happiness is like a balm for his soul, soothing away any discomfort that opening up about these feelings causes. Even after you try to hide the delighted grin, it still shines in your eyes.

Towards the end, he apologizes for being inadequate and hopes you will give him a chance, although he admits he has no idea what he is doing.

The very last bit he improvises:

_“I’ll be the stone_  
So lay down and let me provide the heat  
For my little serpent.”

When he stops, he ends up just standing there. He is out of breath despite not moving about very much like he does on stage. He has to drop down into the water, suddenly aware again of the cold air. He rubs on an ear waiting for your response.

You smile at him. “Kyeopta! It was really good, like always…” You trail off, face starting to burn.

“Thanks…” His gratitude is sincere, but his stomach is tying itself in knots. What if you agree with some of his doubts and reject him? Why did he list those out for you?!

When you push away to move over to him, Yoongi’s eyes go wide in shock. A small, immature part of him wants to bolt. For the life of him, he cannot think of a reason for why you are coming closer. You are not going to slap him, right? He shoves the thought away. He knows you would never do that. Hobi has been watching too many dramas again and ranting about the tangled plots.

Only the fact you do not want to give the poor guy an aneurysm has you stopping a couple feet away. He still cannot see below your shoulders, but now you are so much closer it feels like he can sense your skin through the water somehow.

Yeah, he knows he is not making sense.

“Yoongi-ah?” You sound a little concerned.

He does not respond, too busy trying not to think about your breasts after you stood up. This reminds him of you after you took your shirt off during practice. He knows he is not the only one who got distracted by the way your body flows through the choreography keeping every movement smooth with an almost feline grace. It was hard enough to keep his mind out of the gutter then, let alone now when he knows you are as naked as he is.

“Suga?” Frowning a little, you move even closer.

As you do, you see the way his jaw slackens a little in a clear sign that he has gotten lost in his thoughts. A soft huff of relief escapes you; at least this is normal for him. It just is inconvenient since you have no idea what will snap him back to reality.

With an eye on him, you move close enough to reach out and touch him. Instead of poking at him like you want, you slide your hand through the water. Praying that you will not grab at the wrong thing, you feel unnecessarily nervous as you carefully slip your fingers between his so that you can lightly grasp his hand.

Yoongi jumps like a startled cat that just found a demonic cucumber behind it, even as his hand tightens on yours so he does not let go. His face feels like it is on fire as he slowly looks down like he can see your hands despite the lack of visibility through the water. Amused, you give a gentle squeeze with your hand. It actually startles him again, and this time you cannot stop the giggles. He is just so damn cute.

Despite himself, Yoongi ends up pouting at you. “Why are you laughing?”

You only smile. “You spaced out, then jumped like a cat when I held your hand.”

Alright, he will admit that was probably pretty funny. His nose wrinkles a bit, because he knows a lot of fans compare him to a kitten. Which is weird considering he is neither fluffy nor cute, and the only commonality is being small. Which compared to you, is not close at all.

Instead of saying anything, he just makes a grumpy sound.

He gives your hand a gentle squeeze back though, smiling to himself. Your hand is small compared to his and soft, too. He wonders how long you will let him hold it, because he really does not want to let go.

Taehyung was right, which is why he will never admit it.

“Thank you,” is said so quietly that he almost does not hear it.

Looking at you, your gaze is focused on the water like you are trying to see through it. He is confused about why you are thanking him. He cannot think of anything he might have done.

“For what?” He sounds as baffled as he feels.

You sigh, having hoped he would not hear it. “For the song…” A horrifying thought occurs to you. “This is not a prank, right?”

Suga actually looks offended. “Prank? Fuck no.”

You wince a little. “Sorry, ‘prank’ was the wrong word. I meant pity.”

He is still rather offended, but he deflates instead of lashing out in anger. This is probably a natural assumption considering the 180-degree turn he seems to have taken when it comes to how he feels about you.

“No, Yeoubi, it isn’t pity,” he says gently. “I’m sorry for reacting the way I did.”

The obvious relief that makes you slump a little is cute, even if he feels guilty.

It takes you a second. “Yeoubi?” you wonder, looking at him questioningly.

Yoongi feels like his face is going to burst into flames. “Yeah… Sorry.”

You blink. “Sorry? Don’t be silly, it is cute. I’m a sunshower?”

Without looking down, he cannot help but wonder if it is possible for skin to melt from blushing so hard. The lightly teasing tone in your voice makes his nose wrinkle. A quick peek shows you looking up at him with a gentle smile, the look in your eyes that he cannot recognize that gives him a torrent of butterflies is back once again. He opens his mouth to ask what that look means, before he remembers at the last second that you asked a question.

His face is hot. “Uh, yes? Aish…”

You giggle softly as he rubs at the back of his neck. Taking pity on him, you decide not to press about the nickname. It feels like your insides are glowing just from him even having a special one specifically for you. It is ridiculously adorable.

“[Name]?”

You look up at him. “Hm?”

“How long have you bene out here?” It has just occurred to him that you have both been in the hot water for quite a while, longer even for you.

“Uh…” You look at the fingers on your free hand after you lift it from the water. The skin is wrinkled from being submerged in it so long.

“Ah… A while?” You look sheepish. “I don’t really know.”

Reluctantly, you move to get up and go back inside. You will have to do a cool rinse before you can head to your room. It is probably too soon to ask if you can crash in his.

Yoongi does not release your hand, because he does not want to let you go. It jerks you to a stop, since you are not planning on the resistance. You assumed he would either get up and follow, or let go. Raising an eyebrow at him, you wait to see what he is going to do.

He knows pouting will not do any good, but he cannot help it. “What?” he mumbles, almost sounding petulant.

“I need to get out,” you point out, obviously amused now. “Before I overheat.”

When his grip does not shaken even a little, you sigh heavily with a roll of your eyes. He is the one who brought up how long you have been in the hot water. It is nice that he obviously worries about you, even if he is silly about it.

Tired of being hunched over awkwardly to keep hidden under the water, you wrap your free arm across your chest so you breasts are reasonably covered. That means when you straighten up, the self-conscious urge to hide is taken care of. It actually feels better now with the cold air caressing you hot skin. It makes you smile. The sizzle of the snowflakes tickles, and the resulting water that slides down your skin makes you shiver.

You glance at Yoongi to find him staring at you with wide eyes even as he starts to turn red. With a chuckle, you give his hand a squeeze.

“I’ll go first,” you inform him.

The boy’s eyes jerk to yours. “Bwo? Ah, okay. Probably best.”

It is weird how backwards this is. The two of you were naked together before getting together. As reluctant as he is to let go of your hand, he is sure that he is not ready to see you rinsing off. He might faint, or something.

The tiny pout on his face is hardly fair.

“I can wait for you?”

It is a question because you still are not sure what this is. Are the two of you together now? Already, you are fairly sure it needs to be kept a secret for as long as possible. Although not enough to push you away, the backlash is still daunting. Maye you should have Emily or Matt go make sure none of the major skeletons can be dug up. _No, all of those are public records_ , you realize with a sigh. The stalkers might not be able to find medical records, but court transcripts are still available. Your juvenile record is not the cleanest.

Yoongi hesitates for a second before nodding. “Okay. I’ll come in with you, and get out in a few.”

That is plenty of time for you to quickly rinse off your body. You have clean clothes to put on, but are tempted to just wear a robe again like last night. The way he keeps looking at you has done a lot to help with how self-conscious you have been feeling lately. Still, you are not quite _that_ brave.

Since you did not plan on anyone else coming, you did not bother to bring the modesty towel. A major part of you regrets this, but there is nothing you can do about it. You will just have to be careful getting out and make sure you do not accidentally glance back.

The rapper does not release your hand. Instead, he straightens up – taking a moment to enjoy being the tall one, even if only by a few inches – and starts to wade behind you. He holds up the curtain for you before he ducks inside.

“Ugh,” is your immediate response to the heat. You are beginning to sweat already.

Suga agrees with the sentiment, although he only grunts softly. He is being careful to keep you in front of him. The curve of your neck, the wisps of hair that are starting to slip free of the clip, the dimples at the bottom of your spine are all just too distracting as-is. Seeing the front of you will make him lose his mind, or at least dissolve into the pool.

It is with great reluctance that he finally releases his grip on you. As soon as you have pulled away, he feels the loss of your hand in his with its soft, comforting warmth. He catches himself about to take a step after you to grab your hand again at the last second, stopping so abruptly he makes a small splash. When you turn to look at him, he drops down into the water like he is soaking just a bit more, closing his eyes to barely squint.

He cannot stop them from widening when you step up out of the bath. If this was a cartoon, red would be bubbling up his body until steam comes out of his ears. It is just that your body is _really_ nice. Although it might be curvier than the standard at home, that hardly matters to him.

Once again, he feels inadequate. Between your appearance, talent, and personality, he can tell you are out of his limit. Before he can dwell on it, you are looking over your shoulder at him.

The euphoric smile you reward him with erases any doubts in his head. Maybe you will not realize you deserve better than him. If that is the case, he will consider himself very lucky.

The shy wiggle of your fingers makes him smile and he is still doing so when you disappear into the room with the showers.

It takes very little time to quickly rinse the sulfuric water off. You wrap a towel around you to start to dry before going for the shower caddy. You stare at it for a second, because it looks like someone rearranged stuff. That is ridiculous, so you brush it away and grab your things.

It is as you pull on the pajamas you brought that the doubts set in.

While Yoongi has confessed, you are not sure what this means for the two of you. Does he consider you a couple now? It seems like that should be the case, but you have no idea how it works in South Korea. If you ask, he might think the wrong thing. Or get offended. Or something!

 _What if he wants to keep this a secret?_ Although you can rationalize it as his trying to protect himself – and you – the idea still makes your chest hurt. _Stop being an idiot, [Name]. If he was ashamed to be with me, why would he say anything? Why would he write a song for me? Exactly._

Frustrated with yourself, you plop down on the bench to wait, pulling your legs up to hug them against your chest. It takes effort not to start rocking a little for comfort, but you manage. You are not keen on introducing Yoongi to all of your idiosyncrasies this early. For the most part, you do not think he even realizes how many issues you have. Hopefully he will not mind them when he does learn.

Hopefully he will not reject you again, over them.

Which is why Yoongi finds you curled up in a little protective ball, waiting for him. He is grateful for the towel he has wrapped around his waist, because he can get dressed quickly without showing more than he already has.

He is both relieved and disappointed to see you fully covered. Still, you look extra comfortable in the faded t-shirt and pajama pants with jellyfish on them. He wonders if giving you a hug is too forward. Yes, that is probably a stupid thing to worry about considering he has seen you mostly naked and you already held his hand.

“Yoongi?” Your voice is hesitant, shy. You are barely peeking up at him.

He pulls his own shirt over his head. “Hm?”

At the curious look, you glance down at your fingers. “Does… Are we dating now?”

The way your cheeks are stained pink is adorable, and he has an overwhelming urge to kiss you. That thought make _him_ flush, too.

It takes a second for your question to sink in. He blinks, before looking down to try and hide a little bit behind his hair.

“I’m not really sure how it will work,” he admits, pretending to be fascinated with folding the towel now that he is fully dressed. “But, yes? At least, I’d like to try?”

The way he stumbles over his words is so cute, your doubts are gone almost instantly. Sometimes you forget that he has never been in a relationship, at least not since reaching adulthood. You will have to keep this in mind. He will have to be the one who sets the pace.

“Okay.” You unfold, stretching your legs by pointing your toes, before you pop up off the bench. “I guess I just need to know how much skinship is okay.”

Yoongi is tempted to go back into the other room and spray himself in the face with cold water before his skin ignites. Instead, he just stares at you as if frozen.

You bite your lip to hide a smile. “Holding hands is okay?”

He nods dumbly, face still pink.

With a thoughtful nod, you frown a little. You figured that would be okay, considering his reluctance to let yours go earlier. It is going to be so hard not to tease him.

“Hugs?” you wonder.

He nods again, eyeing you warily like you are about to test all these out on him as soon as he says they are okay.

You bite your lip to hide a smirk. “Kisses?” At the wide-eyed stare, you take pity and amend it to, “On the cheek?”

He clears his throat. “Uh, yeah. That’s fine, too, I gue—” He stops abruptly.

As soon as he gives permission, you take a step to him so you can go up on tiptoe and press a light kiss to his cheek. He just stares at you, mouth hanging open, as his hand rises towards his face like he is going to touch where your lips pressed against his skin.

If his face gets any redder, you are a little worried he will pop a blood vessel.

Stepping back, you smile at the way he visibly relaxes, although he is still doing a decent version of a Jungshook impression. One more, and you will stop teasing.

“Should I call you ‘Oppa’?” you ask innocently, tilting your head a little.

Any progress he has made towards returning to his normal skintone is destroyed as he chokes a little on air and blushes from below his collar to his hairline.

 _I think I broke him_. You wave a hand in front of his face with no response. Huffing softly, you tilt your head a little to study him. It will be embarrassing if you have to get Namjoon or Jin to come fix whatever you did.

“Yoongi-oppa?”

His lips twitch in a smile he is trying to suppress. You look at him sucpiciously. Fine, if he is going to play like this, _you_ can go along with it, too.

 _“Oppa,_ ” you whine, channeling all the times you have seen girls doing aegyo.

“Yeoubi.”

Now it is your turn to choke a little on air, as your face heats up. Despite the name being kind of cheesy, you like it a lot. You really just like the fact he came up with his own term of endearment for you.

“Why am I a sunshower?” you wonder.

“You are like a rare and beautiful phenomenon that brings the promise of good things,” is his immediate response. He does not need to think too deeply about that.

If it is possible to pull a muscle in your face, you feel like you are about to. Between the smiles and blushing, your face is starting to ache. Compliments have always been hard to believe, usually you are quick to dismiss them. However, with how earnest and sincere he is, you cannot help but want to believe him.

“Thanks, then,” you mumble shyly.

Yoongi is pretty sure reducing you to adorable mumbling is worth the teasing he just received. He grins down at you even though you cannot see it. Hesitantly, he reaches out to pull your hand into his own; you do not stop him, although you do go still. He fights the urge to glance up at your face even as he marvels over how your hand manages to make his look so much bigger. Everything about you is so little – well, maybe not everything, you seem to have a big heart and even bigger voice. Still, he will never admit it, but he is glad that you are so much smaller than him. It lets him feel tall even if he is not.

There is a momentary flash of memory as he remembers how everyone noticed how short you are. At the time, it was cute and silly. Jimin kept following you around so he could see if you really are short enough for him to feel tall.

He sighs, grumbling to himself. “I guess I’ll have to thank Taehyung for being wrong about the baths being empty.”

When he glances up again, you are standing there with a strange look on your face. Tension slides into his spine.

“What?”

Still frowning like you do not understand something, you start, “Tae told me the baths were empty so I could relax outside since I didn’t get to last—” You break off abruptly, eyes widening slightly in panic.

While he had been about to respond to the first bit, your sudden cut-off like that has his attention. Why did you stop yourself from speaking? It has something to do with last – night? Something that happened last night that you obviously do not want to tell him about.

Oh.

“I already know about the _onsen_ last night with the dance-line,” he says, barely resisting the urge to pinch between his eyes like he is getting a headache. The fact it cheered you up so much and helped you is the most important thing.

You flinch, which makes him feel bad. He is not upset about it, not really. Cultural differences aside, the benefits outweigh the jealousy he has.

“So V told you the baths were empty? Because he told me the same thing.” If he switches back to the main topic, that should help. Hopefully.

You blink at him a second, a little confused that he just ignored the whole thing with his friends. Maybe that is a hint that he does not want to talk or think about it. You can do that.

“The brat was playing matchmaker,” you grumble, although you cannot honestly say you are upset. After all, he succeeded.

Yoongi sighs. “He’s going to be absolutely insufferable now.”

“Well… we could hide it?” Earlier the idea had upset you, but if it is to get back at a friend then it suddenly becomes a game.

He smiles, pleasantly surprised by your suggestion. He had been thinking about a way to bring up how to play off the relationship with the others and in public, but you just introduced the idea flawlessly.

“He might cry,” Suga warns, finally slipping his feet into slippers so that the two of you can finally get going.

“He might cry either way,” you point out with a giggle, and the rapper has to concede the point.

The two of you walk in companionable silence, still holding hands. You resist the urge to swing them for all of ten seconds before you give in and do so. It makes a low chuckle rumble in his chest as he smiles at the cuteness. He honestly did not realize how adorable you are, although he remembers a handful of times that you actually did aegyo.

When you get to the branch in the hallway that splits between where Wanderlost and BTS are staying, you slow down a little. Not expecting it, Yoongi pulls you forward with his momentum, so that you stumble into him. He pauses, looking down at you in confusion. You are not really sure what to say. He _did_ say hugging is fine, _and_ he mentioned wishing you would latch on and cling during naps together. It makes you wonder if cuddling is also okay.

“Everything okay?” he asks, frowning slightly.

The smile you give him is sheepish. “Ah, yeah, I just… Does this mean cuddling is also okay?”

Suga blinks a few times. He did not really consider that when you asked about hugs. Perhaps he should have, considering how you octopus anything within range. It slowly dawns on him that by not letting go, he has tugged you after him like he intends to take you back to his room. He did not even realize what he is doing, he just does not want to stop spending time with you.

Deep down, a part of him also does not want to find out that you ended up in Taehyung’s room again.

“Yeah, it’s okay.” He smiles sheepishly.

You smile happily and take a step towards him, clearly planning to follow him back to his room. “Okay.”

The two of you continue your walk, although now you chat quietly. You are fascinated by the architecture and décor, while Yoongi appreciates unique features. He also explains some of the differences between traditional Japanese buildings and Korean. You enjoy learning new things, especially about cultures outside of your own. It always seems like, as an American, you lack the fascinating history of all the older countries. Getting to experience glimpses of other time periods from different cultures is amazing.

For his part, Suga enjoys having such an enraptured audience. Sure, the guys have all remarked on his seemingly endless knowledge on random topics. As impressed as they might be, you seem genuinely interested in the endless trivia he knows. It is especially nice when you have more to add that he did not know. Hell, he does not even mind being corrected by you when it turns out you have more recent information on something.

By the time you get to his room, he feels so relaxed he actually yawns as he opens the door. When he glances back to shut it behind you, you are already doing so while also yawning. To his amusement, you actually stomp your foot as if that will cut the yawn off. When you turn to him again, your eyes are a little watery.

He wonders if you know just how cute you are when you are sleepy like this.

At the soft smile you get, you tilt your head slightly like a confused puppy. He just shakes his head, letting go of your hand to step into the room; you kick off the slippers next to his and follow.

The bed is already made for sleeping on and, judging by the sudden pink you see creeping up the back of his neck, it has been out all day. You cannot help the giggle that you quickly turn into a cough when he glances at you.

“What?”

You look at him, the epitome of innocence. “Nothing. Naps are the best.”

It still feels like you are teasing him, but he does not actually mind.

He moves towards the bathroom to brush his teeth, before realizing he does not remember seeing an extra in there. He did not look all that hard, though, so he could be wrong.

“Uh, I don’t think there is a spare toothbrush…” He should have thought through this earlier.

Why are his thoughts so scattered around you?

You only smile, lifting up the caddy. “I’ve got one. I, uh… like brushing my teeth in the shower. Better use of the water, or something…” You trial off, cheeks turning pink.

Why are you just revealing all the weird quirks you have at once? It is going to scare him off. _Reel it in, [Name]_ , you think firmly.

Suga just looks amused. “That makes sense, sort of. It’s convenient, too.”

Maybe a little too convenient. If you had not said that bit about the shower, he has a suspicion that you keep the toothbrush there for whenever you end up sleeping somewhere that is not your bed.

He tries not to think about how many times you brushed your teeth next to his dongsaeng.

Unaware of his inner turmoil, you set the caddy off to the side out of the way, before grabbing what you need to brush your teeth.

The bathroom itself is not very large, but neither are the two of you. Yoongi has to lean back a little so you can reach around him to wet your toothbrush, but then you stand next to him. It is so overwhelmingly domestic, he can feel his face heating up _for no reason_. Fortunately, you do not seem to notice. He relaxes a little.

Until you slip in front of him to spit and rinse. It is not your fault – at least he _thinks_ you are not trying to torture him on purpose – that when you lean over there is no room for him to go. He can feel your ass bumping into him, can _see_ how easy it would be to just grab your hips. His mouth opens to squeak, ask you to move, make excuses for any involuntary reaction, _something_.

You move aside obliviously and think nothing of the way he mumbles that he needs to use the restroom. With a wave over your shoulder, you wander back into the room.

You end up standing awkwardly next to the futon, unsure what to do. It is hard to cuddle without actually touching. At the same time, you do not even know how he will want to sleep. The times you have seen him napping on set, he was never in the same position.

 _He can pick_ , you reason with a content sigh.

Carefully, you climb onto the bed. It takes a second, but you manage to get yourself situated so that lying on your side, you do not take up more space. You keep your knees bent up a little so even once he lies down, you will not be overwhelming him. Since he is setting the pace you know you cannot push him out of his comfort zone. He is the one in control right now.

This is how Yoongi finds you once he comes into the room. He looks confused.

When you spot him, you smile shyly and pat on the bed.

Realizing you cleared space for him has him climbing on to lie beside you. It is as he is tensing up that he realizes you have given him space so he can fall asleep more easily. If you are pressed against him, he will have trouble focusing on anything else.

“Are you comfy?” he asks quietly.

You smile. “Yeah, are you?”

The only response is a hum of agreement.

Carefully, in case he panics, you wiggle closer. When he makes no indication of reacting poorly to your advances, you finally press up against his side. He tenses up immediately, but forces himself to relax. That is all you need for an invitation, resting your head on his chest with a weary sigh. You don’t relax until you feel his fingers lightly tracing along your back.

Yoongi smiles when you melt against him, feeling accomplished for just this much. As long as he tries not to focus on the way you feel against him, he should be fine. He just needs to stop stressing out. With a heavy sigh, he closes his eyes to try and will himself into relaxation.

“Your heart is pounding.”

“Shh. No, it’s not,” he mutters, barely moving his lips at all. His eyes stay shut.

You snort softly and begin to tap the rather erratic rhythm on his side. It makes him squirm a little because it sort of tickles.

“That’s just the beat my soul dances to,” is added dismissively.

Rolling your eyes, you prop yourself up so you can shift around again. You stay on your side facing him, but curl up so you can press your knees against his thigh and there is a decent enough space between you that your arms do not have to be folded up weird.

Yoongi opens his eyes to pout at you, although he has to acknowledge at least to himself that his heart rate is slowing down to normal. It pisses him off that he is acting like a teenager – or, well, like Jungkook when he is around girls.

When he opens his mouth to apologize for being so lame, you take his hand and pull his arm up so it is against his chest, straightening your own in order to keep your fingers entwined with his. He is glad the room is dark so you cannot see the stupid smile on his face. Now his heart is beating faster again, but it is accompanied by the butterflies fluttering around in his chest.

“Just get comfy, Yoongi,” you say with a sleepy smile, which he can hear in your voice even if he cannot see it. “I’ll fit myself around you like an octopus anyway.”

With a little sigh, he gives your hand a squeeze. “I _am_ comfy.”

You are a little skeptical, but figure there is no reason for him to lie. You return the squeeze, then bring his hand over to your lips so you can press a sleepy kiss to the back of his hand.

Yoongi’s whole body feels hot and he is extremely grateful for the darkness so you cannot see. It is pathetic that he reacts to everything like he is some infatuated girl. While he does not kiss your hand back, he does gently rub his thumb on the side of yours.

It makes you smile a little, although it fades quickly. One of the reasons you sleep better clinging to someone is because it seems to trick your subconscious. There are a lot fewer nightmares and practically no night terrors. Even if there is, so far the most that happened was jerking awake in a panic only to feel the comforting warmth of arms around your waist. This helped to ground you.

Since Yoongi cannot handle that much skinship yet, you are out of luck. You will just have to make sure you fall asleep after him so you can press close once he is out.

Unless…

“Yoongi?” you whisper, on the off chance he is already asleep.

He is not. Despite the darkness, he still glances at you. “Hm?”

You hesitate, not sure how to ask for this without sounding weird.

“Can I ask you for something really dumb?” You already regret opening your mouth. “Like… It’s just stupid. Forget it.”

This is a bad idea. Probably. Maybe? Either way, you have thought better about asking. At this rate, he is going to realize how weird you are. A part of you knows that it will be best to bare all of it in the open now so he can really understand how fucked up you are. This secret needs to come out to make sure Yoongi knows what he is getting into.

“What did you want to ask about?” He is not even going to try and be subtle about his curiosity. He lives with a bunch of weirdos, your request cannot be _that_ bad.

You are quiet so long he stares to wonder if you have fallen asleep.

“Can we switch shirts?” is whispered so softly, it’s obvious you do not want to be heard.

The rapper blinks stupidly. “Uh, what?”

You swallow a whine. “Can we switch shirts?”

He looks over where he thinks your face is although he cannot see it. “Why?”

Now a small sound escapes you. “Because it will help me sleep.”

That is the truth. At least, it will help you with sleep.

“I see.” That seems a little odd, but he dismisses it.

He pulls his hand from yours so he can sit up to tug his shirt up over his head. It isn’t until he is about to hold it out that his treacherous brain kicks in.

“Did you ask V to switch shirts?” He is not sure what he is doing. That is not supposed to have snuck out like that.

His eyes have adjusted enough that he can see you reaching out to take the shirt, only to recoil at what he asks. Now he feels even worse.

“No,” you whisper, barely audible.

Without giving him a chance, you tug your threadbare shirt over your head and drop it on his stomach. Maybe you deserve the snarky comments about being a cuddle-slut. Still, you did not ask Taehyung for his clothes. With Yoongi’s shirt pulled down, you return to being curled on your side.

Now he is just confused. “Why not?”

Frowning a little in confusion, you try to look at him, but the room is too dark. “Why not, what?”

“Why not ask Tae for a shirt? Why ask for mine?”

This is getting too close to topics you do not want to discuss with anyone, let alone him.

“Because… I didn’t want his.” A part of you realizes you are so sleepy that you are not making sense. “Scents are comforting to me. I don’t want nightmares.”

Yoongi feels even more confused. Fortunately, he is not dumb enough to ask what the nightmares are about. Instead, he thinks it over.

Maybe you mean that certain scents help with keeping your dreams safe.

“My scent helps?” That baffles him.

Curious, he gives himself a sniff. He does not smell anything besides you, realizing belatedly that he is smelling your shirt. It is unlikely that he will notice his own scent, let alone find it pleasant.

You slowly relax again now that Yoongi is not asking about Taehyung. If you did not know better, you would think he is jealous. That does not make sense to you considering it has not seemed to bother him at all this whole time. _Apparently he could win gold if blocking out feelings was an Olympic sport_ , you think sleepily. You should probably go to sleep before you say something embarrassing.

“Yeah,” you answer quietly. “You smell good, uh… I feel safe.”

That certainly surprises him. He has to wonder just how unobservant he is. Your feelings for him are strong enough it is not possible you hid them all. He is glad you confessed, otherwise he never would have thought you might be interested in him.

“Oh,” is his response, voice soft. He is not sure why _he_ is blushing considering he has not done anything.

His response is not the greatest, although it could have been worse. At least he has not called you a freak, or kicked you out. Not that you think he would do something like that, though. Still, you are not sure what to say, so you remain silent.

Yoongi realizes he is giving the wrong impression, or something. “I make you feel safe?”

 _Shitfuck! Why is he so coherent right now?_ You resist the urge to flail about in frustration, but just barely. Oh well, it is stupid to get upset now. He already heard the song so there is not much more to be embarrassed over.

“Yeah…” You pick at the comforter a little. “Being around you lets me relax, I don’t feel like I need to be hypervigilant all the time.”

As much as he wants to ask, he has an idea what trauma you suffered and is unwilling to bring it up. “Good. I’m glad I can help.”

You try not to smile. “You do. Usually.”

He pouts. “Usually?”

The whole breaking your heart is an obvious example of his _not_ being helpful. He chooses to ignore this, though.

“Well, yeah.” You shrug and he can barely make out the movement. “It’s just…”

“Just?”

“This time you smell a little like me, because for some reason you used my soap and shampoo.” There is laughter in your voice.

Yoongi can feel his face getting warm. “You smell good,” he mutters and even he can hear the pout in his voice. Ugh.

Now you do laugh, a soft, breathy thing that sounds pleasantly surprised. While you agree about the scents of your bath products smelling nice, you never would have applied it to your natural scent. Granted, the only time you _do_ smell yourself is when it is really pungent after exercise.

“Thanks,” you mumble. Compliments are hard to accept.

Hearing the hesitance in your voice, he cannot help smiling. Not only are you making him feel good about himself – in a silly way, true – but you are managing to do so while being ridiculously adorable. Reaching out, he slides his fingers along your arm up to your cheek. He rubs his thumb gently along your jaw. You turn your head at the last second to press a light kiss to his wrist as he pulls his hand back.

When his fingers slip between yours, you relax with a little smile. You are more than content with going at his pace and taking it slow. With a squeeze, you close your eyes and try to relax.

“Goodnight, Yoongi,” you mumble.

He grins. “Sweet dreams, Yeoubi.”

A soft sigh escapes you, but you do not say anything else.

For the second time in his life – probably – Suga is unable to sleep. Maybe it is adrenaline from performing his song for you. Or maybe he is too excited to sleep now that you have accepted his explanation of his actions. Most likely, though, it is your close proximity.

He ends up resting his hand that is still holding yours on the pillow with a sigh. When the movement makes you stir, he goes absolutely still. You settle down almost immediately, so he relaxes a little.

He can tell the moment you fall asleep. The grip on his hand slackens until only his grip has your fingers trapped in his. At the same time, your breathing has slowed and gotten deeper. It makes him smile that you fell asleep so fast. He really must help, which fills him with butterflies.

Very carefully, and slowly, Yoongi extracts his hand from yours in order to gently set it down so he does not disturb you. All he can see is the vague outline of you, but he wishes he could see more. He bets you are pretty cute when you sleep.

Smiling to himself, he rolls over. Without realizing, he curls up while shoving his hands between his legs. As strange as sleeping in this position might seem, he finds it the most comfortable. Even now, he feels sleep spreading over him like a weighted blanket.

There is a soft noise from behind him, but he does not think anything of it.

Until something slowly wraps over his side, snaking down to rest against his stomach. He tenses so fast something twinges in his side, instinctively sucking in so that there is no weight against his stomach. Suddenly a warm, soft form presses up against his back, molding to fit against him so there is no space between. The grip around him tightens, too.

It takes his brain an unnecessarily long time to realize you have acted as you predicted, wrapping around him like an octopus. You even keep your arm so it does not interfere with the way he keeps his hands between his legs.

When he shifts slightly, your grip tightens like a snare. It makes him release a soft huff of laughter before he can stop it.

It cuts off in a muffled choking noise when you slide your hand down to rest against his lower belly. He is hyperaware of how close your hand is to certain parts of him. Swallowing hard, he gently slides your arm up so that your hand rests a little under his ribs. It is a relief that you do not try to put your hand back, so he slowly starts to relax again.

Until you nuzzle your face between his shoulders with a heavy sigh.

He pulls one hand free to reach up and pat on your arm. A content little sigh escapes him as his eyes slip closed.

Today has been a rollercoaster, but the ride is worth it.

* * *

“There’s a girl with hyung!”

“What?!”

“Who?!”

“Omo!”

“It’s [Name]!”

The ruckus that is the rest of Bangtan pierces through the fog of sleep, making Yoongi grunt and try to roll over, only to be stopped by the body clinging to him. His eyes snap open as he looks down in surprise. As soon as he sees you, the adrenaline starts to fade and he sighs. Of course it is you. Who else would it be?

“Shut up,” he growls, rubbing wearily at his eyes.

“That’s not very nice, hyung,” Jimin says, sounding hurt.

Suga does not have to look to know he is teasing, he can hear the smile in the younger man’s voice at the end. His response is to flip them all off.

You stir, but only to try and press even more against him. You have shifted down in your sleep, so that when he rolled over, you latched on with your face against his stomach and one leg through his to keep close. He tries not to gasp when you suddenly nuzzle your face into him, for some reason it feels like everywhere you touch is a lot more sensitive. He can feel his abdominal muscles jumping and flexing under you. He _really_ wishes he woke up early enough to keep them from bursting in and seeing this. So much for keeping this a secret.

“Why is noona wearing Suga-hyung’s shirt?” This comes from Jungkook, who is also the one who exclaimed about there being a girl.

“Good question.” Jimin sounds like it is an early Christmas. “It looks like he is wearing _her_ shirt.”

“They switched shirts? Why?”

Taehyung has been surprisingly quiet although he is the first to pull out his phone to document the evidence. He has very little plans to blackmail you, but he has a feeling Jimin, Hobi, Jin, and Jungkook have no such scruples. Hopefully they will target Suga more.

“Maybe they got dressed in a hurry,” Jin says, smirking.

Jimin practically giggles, although his face turns pink. Hobi grins, and Taehyung cannot help smiling, too.

Only Jungkook looks confused. “Why?”

Leaning over, Jimin whispers in the maknae’s ears. Almost immediately, his eyes widen as he panics, face suddenly on fire.

“Hyung!” He looks at Jin scandalized.

The oldest just cackles, managing to keep the volume down on his signature laugh. It is still bad enough that it rouses you. At least, enough to whine softly and try to burrow into the warm figure you are pressed against. Absently, Yoongi’s hand moves to pet through your hair. A little sigh escapes you as you settle back to sleep.

“Why the fuck are you all in my room?” Yoongi growls, opening his eyes enough to glare at them all.

“It’s time for breakfast!” Jin says with exaggerated enthusiasm.

That gets an even stronger glare. “What time is it?”

“Almost nine,” Taehyung answers, watching you in amusement as you try to disappear into his friend.

Suga’s response is to groan and pull his pillow over his face. “We aren’t hungry. Go away.”

“So it is _we_ already?” Jimin grins. “Took long enough.”

Pretty content to ignore his friends, Yoongi tunes them out and closes his eyes. It is unlikely he will fall asleep like this now, but maybe if he pretends hard enough it might make them all leave.

With a frustrated noise, you sit up while throwing a pillow at the invaders. “Go bother someone else!”

You do not wait for a response, just lay back down with your arm over your face.

“Noona doesn’t love us anymore!” Hobi wails dramatically, before smiling.

He and Jin start ushering the younger three out of the room, glancing back at you two with smiles. They are happy for you, so they will wait until later to tease.

When silence stretches undisturbed, you peek out from under your arm. The room is actually empty again, just Yoongi and you. Relieved, you roll over to stretch out on your stomach. When you try to peek over at him, you are surprised to see him staring back at you. As soon as your eyes meet his, he smiles gently at you. You return it sleepily, before closing your eyes again.

When long fingers slip under the pillow to slide through yours, your smile grows. Giving his hand a squeeze, you sigh in contentment.

Maybe being trapped in the blizzard was not such a painful thing after all.


End file.
